Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating
This Is Me
Me. Magical. Min. Maniac. Monster. Monetary.
"Never let anything known for anyone to stab you in."
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Saturday, October 23, 2010
Another sleepless night
Kept tossing and turning in bed. I just cannot help but to think why am I even alive.
I thought I had it all figured out, I did. I thought I was tough enough to stick it out with life. But seems like I am not strong enough to juggle two things at once. I find myself in a spiderweb of endless problems. I would have gotten my stuff and just leave for no one is going to be there when I fell to catch me.
God kept your life for a reason. My ass. What stupid tests does he wants us to go through? Test our what?! So I happily sat in front of the computer and read. Read about why we are here. And I read Mentor Minister Lee Kuan Yew's biography. I nearly slept on the spot. But I have to say, it is pretty amazing how he developed Singapore to what it is today. Wow. And Singapore is even younger than most uncles. Amazing.
Anyway, I was pondering to myself. Why am I not born blind? So I need not see the ugliness of this world. Why aren't I deaf? So I need not hear the nasty comments or quarrels that leaves you tearing your head off. Why am I blessed with the looks? Sometimes I wished I am normal so that people could see the inner beauty that lies beneath the face. But I know how beauty can be used to an advantage of a lady. Which is why I STILL bothered to doll up.
I bury myself in cyber world because I don't want to look. I swallowed all the fuck I could. Make believe is always better. You are always the princess in your own fairytale. Fairytale and dreams never come true. There is never a happy forever after.
I blasted the music super loudly in hope to drown off the deathly silence. I buried myself with work to stop myself from feeling lonely. The computer and a notebook had became my only friends over time. And I am comfortable staying this way.
How I wish I have no heart. How I wish I can't see. How I wish I hear nothing but silence. How I wish I am dead.
Many people out there may be wishing for eyes that see, ears that hear. But I am complaining about it. Would they still want it when they see that life is not just rainbows and butterflies?
I always tell myself to believe. Tell myself to hope. I have been pinning onto "hopes" and "believes" for so long now. I am tired of wishing for the best, raising my anticipation, to only fall in to pints and pints of shattered glass.
Somehow, the glimpse of hope seemed so far away. Is there even any hope in this cruel world? My faith and believe is starting to waiver. I see nothing but darkness. I am a part of the dead world now. But why am I still feeling the ache in my heart when I typed this? How I wish I am made up of cold, hard metal.
Knowing I can't stand the pain, but I wish it will not go away. It constantly reminds me of how much hurt the world can bring. But when will my string of tolerance break? I hope it's soon. So I can just leave without second thought. I know it'll be irresponsible for me to just go. Too many people out there are leaning on me. I got to be a pillar, strong and tough. A pillar with a steady foundation so it would not fall. However, no matter what it is made of, how strong or how tough it is, it would wear and tear. It would corrode under acid rain. It would age someday. And collapse eventually... I have held on for so long. I feel like letting myself fall into a deep eternal sleep. Only then, I could rest.
How I wish I could swallow a bottle of Dormicum now. I would if I could, and say good bye for good. Maybe I should for my shoulders' giving way - the problems are surfing up waves after waves, continuously again and again. I can't even take a breather. There is no time to hesitate or think. It's either do or die. I think I'm about to give up. Give up on this life.
Sorry if I had chosen the easier way out of life. I am way to tired to carry on this battle.
But I cannot give up. There is a lot of people who needs me. Please, continue needing me in your life. You guys are the strength that keeps me going. Going in this cold, cruel, hateful world.
But baby, where they knock you down and out
Is where you're oughta stay