Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating
This Is Me
Me. Magical. Min. Maniac. Monster. Monetary.
"Never let anything known for anyone to stab you in."
FORGIVE BUT NEVER FORGET!
My Social Networking Links
My Facebook **hint hint - add me**
The Only One And Best Exotic Dance School In Singapore
My Ultimate Shopping Heaven
Monday, January 31, 2011
How Time Flies and Crawl
Tossed and turned in bed. The pillows reeked of your smell. I wished I have the determination long enough to throw all the bed linen into the wash. Somehow, I can't do it because I do not wish for "your presence" to disappear. Smell, however, would diffuse over time. Like how time can heal all wounds..
I remembered a time when I got pissed with you and your innocent thinking and in order to divert the anger, I asked you to tell me fun facts. You asked me, "Why are some Indians dark-skinned and some fairer?" I could recall giving you a super funny expression and was close to murdering you right at the road we were walking home from. And you made another stupid attempt, which I can't recollect. All I felt that time was how to skin you alive. I wanted FUN FACTS. Not to ASK ME QUESTIONS. I think the second question was, "Why is the Earth round?". My answer to you was actually on-the-spot reaction because I am always a Miss-Know-It-All and I planned on staying that way. Gravitational pull. One ball of energy sucking dusts and particles together. As it is a pull-energy, it would be evenly distributed in hence, creating a ball. Like how a perfect circle is created when you attach a string's loop into a bubble, pop the loop and a perfect circle would be pulled. Till date, I still don't know if my answer is the correct one but it does sound logical.
The third and an actual FUN FACT was when you said, "Did you notice time flies when you are enjoying yourself and crawls by slowly when you aren't?". It was your favorite expression to describe the time when we were together. Relativity. Einstein - that smaller-than-average-sized-brain genius.
Law of Relativity. How true. How true.
I was touched when you came over suddenly and knocked on my window. I nearly jumped up and rushed over to see you. A temptation which took me a lot of courage, strength and determination to overcome. Because after deep thoughts and considerations, I knew that if I were to give in to my "wants" of seeing you, everything that we've been through for the past 2 hours would be a complete zero. A total waste of efforts in trying to get over the relationship and shared tenderness. Now, now, we have struggled through the waves of heartache and underwater currents of pain, surely I can't be so selfish, can I? We have survived 2 hours plus without each other's company. I cannot relive any nights that we have been apart. This would be a "habit" that we would have to get used to from now on.
I hate myself for acting like a love sick puppy. Get over it, I always tell others. Move on! Get other partners! But why can't I do it for myself? I know all the right things to advise others but when it comes to me, all I do was to reminisce the sweetness and everything that I see, hear or feel reminds me of you. I hate people acting like how they would die without love. I have already gotten so used to having you that I forgot how my life was before you came along. My vices and indulges were filling me up tonight.
I know I am a double-standard idiot. But I am trying my best. It is hard, but I am sure......
I am not sure if you took my words seriously but I mean it. Even if we are together now, I would still leave when May comes. The world is where I belong. And you can't, or even if you can, you won't come with me. You may force yourself to, but you know inside you, your commitments must be fulfilled and I will never allow you to follow because you aren't heartless like me. You are not me, you can't just throw everything behind and leave the ones whom you love.
This is a road I have chose to take. And to walk this path, I will have to bear the pain of losing every single one I love and my little comfort zone.
I miss you, and I wished you were here to say stories and tap me off to sleep. Habituate, adapt and adjust - this should be my objective now.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Worst Week of my Entire 2 Years of Living
Have you ever feared of sleeping? Fear that once you wake up and the next thing you know, things will never be the same again?
That was exactly what I felt for the whole week, until today.
I love this family too much and I do not wish for anything to happen. I always thought that I had the perfect family. Parents who are still madly in love with one another and pretty sisters. Though occasionally we may bitch about one another or have quarrels and fights so bad that we wished that each other would just disappear from the surface of this Earth and die, but nevertheless, deep within our hearts and soul, we know that we cherish one another's presence.
It was a quarrel which sparked of the deafening silence and throbbing tension in this house. A quarrel so that affected them so badly that one would go out early in the morning, only to return home at 3am plus, and the other one, coming home at her usual time and taking a nap so that she could stay up the whole night after he came home (to let him have the bedroom to rest).
She was superb. She went 4 days straight without sleep, only to overdose on endless caffeine and work.
He was incredible. He could stay in office forever and just do nothing except staring into space and pouting at the thought of the quarrel's content.
I felt like shit. I couldn't sleep, knowing that she is outside my door, at the living room doing stupid stuffs (tearing piles of letters which are of no significance).
Finally, yesterday's night, I came home from work to find both of them in embrace and watching television while playing with the iPhone, like as always.
An enormous rock that sits on me was lifted that instant.
But it was now my turn.
His words hit me like a blow to the heart. I hated that feeling of heaving for air and in an air-tight vacuum space while free-falling into endless darkness and frantically trashing in vain for something, anything, to break your fall. The fear, the pain. The various emotions churned in one giant mixer. I was sad, then numbness followed suit. And I turned cold.
I retaliated all explanations with steel knives and words that could put a pretty rose to shame. I know I am hurting him, seeing him wreathed in pain hurts me more but I am not about to give in to the pain or the fact that I wished to stop the quarrel and just hug him to comfort. I hate myself for not being true to what I feel and that my words never seem to tally with what I feel.
I told him to leave me alone and he did.
Now I am sitting in my empty room and thinking. It might not be a bad thing for him to leave. I know I am a person who is incapable of feeling anything more than anger. I am a living dead doll that holds no emotions. My heart do feel. But my brain never allows it to show.
Yes, I would help people in need and I am very, very, super caring person to elderlies, the needy and children. I do sympathize with people whom are really in twisted in bad situations and I do help old people carry their bags when their poor aged bodies seemed overloaded with weights. I love to help them cross the roads when needed. I love to assist people and try my best (even if it means starving for days and donating my last 100 dollars). I love to be the one whom people look for when they need a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. But that is about it. Other than showing care and concern to those who are handicapped in life, my heart would never move to anything else.
I remembered one guy whom I loved a lot (I call him IT guy) telling me that I would always end up hurting people I love. I was determined to prove him wrong. But 99% of my relationships ended because the other party asked for the part. I could jolly well brush the reason off as that they don't understand me and do not know how to cherish me. Reality check, girl! Maybe the reason is me.
Today's dinner, I thought about a lot of things. Perhaps letting go may be the most appropriate thing to do. By carrying on and dragging, I actually am killing him more. I should be more humane.
It may be a decision that I may regret once I've said it but I suppose he could live on well without my presence stressing him. I don't deny that I feel sad or the pinch of loss of a wonderful man but knowing that he will be happy, I GUESS I could bluff myself that my choice was right.
Ya, my life is full of deceptions and lies. I am such a good liar that I could even cheat myself. And he said that too. My brain is too convinced by my own lies that I actually believed that it is true. Amazing, how strong that little mash is!
I don't even know what I want in life and hence, I am always contradicting. My words and actions do not add up. My brain and my heart do not stand on the same side. My disorganized actions and my thoughts do not meet.
My life, is one huge plate of rojak.
I love to blog. Because this is when, I am the most honest to myself, heart and soul.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Nothing is stopping me!
There is nothing one can do to stop me. I have aired my views and had enough! I will be what I have set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly. For those who looked down on me, I'm tearing down your balcony!
I can't be bothered with those bullshit thrown at me because they are full of shit. But I had enough! Contained enough bottled shit and swallowing them like I never did. It's about time I do something.
I would never allowed anyone to step on my shoulders, over my head or climb on top of me. Easy-going and being nice doesn't mean that I do not have a temper. Hell, mind you - my temper's hotter than the temperature of the Sun. When I flare, nothing's stopping me.
The news haven't heard much of me, ain't it? IS IT WHY YOU GUYS ARE CALLING ME DAY IN AND OUT JUST TO SEE WHAT YOU HAVE TO REPORT ON ME? WELL, I am going to give you something to report in a few days' time.
Why? Singapore's getting to bored because there ain't any major news to be aired? Because there is no controversies going around? If it's news you want, honey cupcakes, I would give you a phenomenal so huge that people would go on and talk about it for ages. Just you wait.
You might be fine now. But I promise you, it's not because you can get away with it. It's because the time is not ripe yet.
Tell me now, should I make this fire a small burn or a large one?
I am smirking at the pure thought of it. If you were going to ruin my career, hell, you change one.
I SWEAR, I AM GOING TO GO ALL OUT FOR THIS CASE!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
WISDOM - NO MORE
I had to do it. I had to take a little try on removing my wisdom teeth.
Surprisingly, all four wisdom teeth were fully grown.
Anyway, I acted smart and have them removed all at once. If you were wondering which Dental Clinic I went to, it was Dr HC Leong Dental Surgery. He is really nice. No traumatizing pain you hear from your friends. None!
I went there at about 1pm, feeling really jumpy and anxious about my FIRST tooth extraction (I used to let it drop naturally in Primary School). He promised no pain and it was true.
Throughout the whole freaking ordeal, I didn't feel any pain at all. Just that I had to stick it out with the numbing effects afterwards.
My whole face was as swollen as a cotton puff!! Super round.
But this is my first time having my tooth extracted. Now I know why kids are so afraid of Dentists. But I still love them. For I know that I am blessed with straight, white teeth and they are not prone to infections or decays!
It's now 7.19pm and the anesthetizer's effect had all be worn off by now. Am feeling a tad bit of sore-ness but that's about it.
Dr HC Leong is a wonderful Doctor. He even manages to do some procedures on my Dad (who is really afraid of pain and Dentists). His skills are really commendable and that the precision of every step is taken into consideration.
I strongly recommend this Dentist if you were to (EVER!) have to extract your decaying tooth.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Happy New Year... NOT!
I just cannot control it. I swear I've tried! I did my best. I really put in 101% effort. I did. Please, please believe me. The pressure was eating me inside out. I can feel it growing in my tummy, rounding up at my throat and squirming itself out of my mouth. It was devouring my bones, muscles, organs and flesh. I can feel it conquering my mind, my thoughts and my actions. My body felt like it belongs to someone else. It was way too tiring to be constantly swimming against the continuous tides which kept pushing me underwaters while I try my best to keep afloat. The underwater torrents of current were pulling me deeper. It is useless to struggle on. I had to throw in the white flag. I had to give in.... I did my best... I really did.The evil devil inside me is now free!I am here to destroy the anticipation/excitement anyone have for the New Year.
It's not as though I had a bad New Year but I really don't see what's the big idea.
I have been through 11 "New Year"s' and I still don't see what's the big shit about this day. Like birthday or Christmas, it comes every year. If you were to really ask me a date or day worthy of attention and celebration, it had just to be the LEAP YEAR. My my, it comes every 4 years~ That, is special.
Anyway, I got up at the wrong side of bed this morning (weird, how that can happen when one side of my bed is facing the wall and the other side is the ONLY side to get out) and am was feeling a BIT naughty. Nope, not the horny naughty but the mean, teasing naughty.
Logged onto Facebook and I started to shoot everyone down. It wasn't that kind of "bring-you-down" that I've experienced when those people criticize me. It was more of the joking fun. So, if you were one of the victim, I AM JUST JOKING.
The meanest I could remember is saying some sweet nothings and then turning against my words. This is not the actual one but it's very similar to that. It goes, "You will always be the prettiest in my eyes. *Turns around and puke uncontrollably* Sorry, that wasn't intentional. Like I was saying, *stops midway and puke again*. Oops. Think the bare thought of *puke again and collapse*.". Ya... You get the drift.
I think I am si bey di siao,. But sorry la... Must understand that lonely old hag is like that one. Anyway, my New Year was as usual, except that this year, there's majong (am definitely not involved).
This is from the bottom of my heart: May you think like me, may you not, I do wish that your New Year was celebrated the way you wanted it to be. I wanted to be left alone, without ringing mobiles and constant stream of incoming SMSes. I got half of it. How about you?
(-.-") I still cannot believe I am that fucking softie, which I hate, in heart. I have never heard of anyone else visiting a bear farm OR eating a crab and crying so much that she could fill a bucket of water. My poor Dad had to be the one sent to pacify me and it only made me cry harder.
But baby, where they knock you down and out
Is where you're oughta stay