Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating
This Is Me
Me. Magical. Min. Maniac. Monster. Monetary.
"Never let anything known for anyone to stab you in."
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Monday, January 31, 2011
How Time Flies and Crawl
Tossed and turned in bed. The pillows reeked of your smell. I wished I have the determination long enough to throw all the bed linen into the wash. Somehow, I can't do it because I do not wish for "your presence" to disappear. Smell, however, would diffuse over time. Like how time can heal all wounds..
I remembered a time when I got pissed with you and your innocent thinking and in order to divert the anger, I asked you to tell me fun facts. You asked me, "Why are some Indians dark-skinned and some fairer?" I could recall giving you a super funny expression and was close to murdering you right at the road we were walking home from. And you made another stupid attempt, which I can't recollect. All I felt that time was how to skin you alive. I wanted FUN FACTS. Not to ASK ME QUESTIONS. I think the second question was, "Why is the Earth round?". My answer to you was actually on-the-spot reaction because I am always a Miss-Know-It-All and I planned on staying that way. Gravitational pull. One ball of energy sucking dusts and particles together. As it is a pull-energy, it would be evenly distributed in hence, creating a ball. Like how a perfect circle is created when you attach a string's loop into a bubble, pop the loop and a perfect circle would be pulled. Till date, I still don't know if my answer is the correct one but it does sound logical.
The third and an actual FUN FACT was when you said, "Did you notice time flies when you are enjoying yourself and crawls by slowly when you aren't?". It was your favorite expression to describe the time when we were together. Relativity. Einstein - that smaller-than-average-sized-brain genius.
Law of Relativity. How true. How true.
I was touched when you came over suddenly and knocked on my window. I nearly jumped up and rushed over to see you. A temptation which took me a lot of courage, strength and determination to overcome. Because after deep thoughts and considerations, I knew that if I were to give in to my "wants" of seeing you, everything that we've been through for the past 2 hours would be a complete zero. A total waste of efforts in trying to get over the relationship and shared tenderness. Now, now, we have struggled through the waves of heartache and underwater currents of pain, surely I can't be so selfish, can I? We have survived 2 hours plus without each other's company. I cannot relive any nights that we have been apart. This would be a "habit" that we would have to get used to from now on.
I hate myself for acting like a love sick puppy. Get over it, I always tell others. Move on! Get other partners! But why can't I do it for myself? I know all the right things to advise others but when it comes to me, all I do was to reminisce the sweetness and everything that I see, hear or feel reminds me of you. I hate people acting like how they would die without love. I have already gotten so used to having you that I forgot how my life was before you came along. My vices and indulges were filling me up tonight.
I know I am a double-standard idiot. But I am trying my best. It is hard, but I am sure......
I am not sure if you took my words seriously but I mean it. Even if we are together now, I would still leave when May comes. The world is where I belong. And you can't, or even if you can, you won't come with me. You may force yourself to, but you know inside you, your commitments must be fulfilled and I will never allow you to follow because you aren't heartless like me. You are not me, you can't just throw everything behind and leave the ones whom you love.
This is a road I have chose to take. And to walk this path, I will have to bear the pain of losing every single one I love and my little comfort zone.
I miss you, and I wished you were here to say stories and tap me off to sleep. Habituate, adapt and adjust - this should be my objective now.
But baby, where they knock you down and out
Is where you're oughta stay