Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating
This Is Me
Me. Magical. Min. Maniac. Monster. Monetary.
"Never let anything known for anyone to stab you in."
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Sunday, January 30, 2011
Worst Week of my Entire 2 Years of Living
Have you ever feared of sleeping? Fear that once you wake up and the next thing you know, things will never be the same again?
That was exactly what I felt for the whole week, until today.
I love this family too much and I do not wish for anything to happen. I always thought that I had the perfect family. Parents who are still madly in love with one another and pretty sisters. Though occasionally we may bitch about one another or have quarrels and fights so bad that we wished that each other would just disappear from the surface of this Earth and die, but nevertheless, deep within our hearts and soul, we know that we cherish one another's presence.
It was a quarrel which sparked of the deafening silence and throbbing tension in this house. A quarrel so that affected them so badly that one would go out early in the morning, only to return home at 3am plus, and the other one, coming home at her usual time and taking a nap so that she could stay up the whole night after he came home (to let him have the bedroom to rest).
She was superb. She went 4 days straight without sleep, only to overdose on endless caffeine and work.
He was incredible. He could stay in office forever and just do nothing except staring into space and pouting at the thought of the quarrel's content.
I felt like shit. I couldn't sleep, knowing that she is outside my door, at the living room doing stupid stuffs (tearing piles of letters which are of no significance).
Finally, yesterday's night, I came home from work to find both of them in embrace and watching television while playing with the iPhone, like as always.
An enormous rock that sits on me was lifted that instant.
But it was now my turn.
His words hit me like a blow to the heart. I hated that feeling of heaving for air and in an air-tight vacuum space while free-falling into endless darkness and frantically trashing in vain for something, anything, to break your fall. The fear, the pain. The various emotions churned in one giant mixer. I was sad, then numbness followed suit. And I turned cold.
I retaliated all explanations with steel knives and words that could put a pretty rose to shame. I know I am hurting him, seeing him wreathed in pain hurts me more but I am not about to give in to the pain or the fact that I wished to stop the quarrel and just hug him to comfort. I hate myself for not being true to what I feel and that my words never seem to tally with what I feel.
I told him to leave me alone and he did.
Now I am sitting in my empty room and thinking. It might not be a bad thing for him to leave. I know I am a person who is incapable of feeling anything more than anger. I am a living dead doll that holds no emotions. My heart do feel. But my brain never allows it to show.
Yes, I would help people in need and I am very, very, super caring person to elderlies, the needy and children. I do sympathize with people whom are really in twisted in bad situations and I do help old people carry their bags when their poor aged bodies seemed overloaded with weights. I love to help them cross the roads when needed. I love to assist people and try my best (even if it means starving for days and donating my last 100 dollars). I love to be the one whom people look for when they need a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. But that is about it. Other than showing care and concern to those who are handicapped in life, my heart would never move to anything else.
I remembered one guy whom I loved a lot (I call him IT guy) telling me that I would always end up hurting people I love. I was determined to prove him wrong. But 99% of my relationships ended because the other party asked for the part. I could jolly well brush the reason off as that they don't understand me and do not know how to cherish me. Reality check, girl! Maybe the reason is me.
Today's dinner, I thought about a lot of things. Perhaps letting go may be the most appropriate thing to do. By carrying on and dragging, I actually am killing him more. I should be more humane.
It may be a decision that I may regret once I've said it but I suppose he could live on well without my presence stressing him. I don't deny that I feel sad or the pinch of loss of a wonderful man but knowing that he will be happy, I GUESS I could bluff myself that my choice was right.
Ya, my life is full of deceptions and lies. I am such a good liar that I could even cheat myself. And he said that too. My brain is too convinced by my own lies that I actually believed that it is true. Amazing, how strong that little mash is!
I don't even know what I want in life and hence, I am always contradicting. My words and actions do not add up. My brain and my heart do not stand on the same side. My disorganized actions and my thoughts do not meet.
My life, is one huge plate of rojak.
I love to blog. Because this is when, I am the most honest to myself, heart and soul.
But baby, where they knock you down and out
Is where you're oughta stay