Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating
This Is Me
Me. Magical. Min. Maniac. Monster. Monetary.
"Never let anything known for anyone to stab you in."
FORGIVE BUT NEVER FORGET!
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Thursday, February 24, 2011
A little try - Fitting into my shoes
Was looking at the pile of books which were collecting such a thick layer of dust - I could practically stuff two or more stuffed toy-bunnies out of it.
As a child, I didn't like reading. Not at all. However, my elder sister is the direct opposite. I think by the time she hit 9, she may have read the whole Enid Blyton Book Series.
Damn, was I jealous of her because she was the apple of EVERYONES' eye. So I copied her and started reading. From the moment I read the first short story, I was never caught without a reading a book (even in class and teachers have confiscated so many books from me that they have enough to open a library). And, a little fun fact. I bet you would never imagine me being labelled a "Bookworm" (yea, thanks to Warrick and Disney).
Side note: I amazed myself by being able to remember incidents and people in Childhood times, Primary School's period and Secondary School's life. But I can never recall the last thing that I did or what have I done yesterday, ecetera...
Back to the entry. Anyway, fast forward a few years later and I realized, somewhere along the line, I lost my love for reading and writing. What took over was a cold-heart with only success as an option. So, while I am idling around, I made a drastic decision to OPEN that pencil case - which was buried for ages, under layers and layers of grey, and attempted to write a piece of composition. Na bey, pen was all dried up. I have like 5 million and one pens in that gigantic pink pencil case and NOT A FREAKING PEN WAS WORKING!
But, like they say, "If there's a will, there's a way". Don't ask me how I did it, but I drilled a few pens back into working condition. As I drafted out all my random thoughts (I did it when my brain cells were the most active - which is when I am dead tired and want/need a sleep), one of the pens started to cough out its' last bit of ink and SPILLED ALL OVER MY NIGHTIE.
I was staring at it with so much force that my brow muscles ached. Die, more wrinkles now.
Told myself to get a grip. Control your own temper, for the lack of discipline could result in unwanted consequences.
Before I knew it, I was swearing at the person who said that famous quote (I thought I remembered reading it from Readers' Digest Magazine) and tugging at my hair, red with fury.
Today is a super sway day for me. In order to protect myself from accidents, examples like crossing the road and got knocked down by oncoming/reversing cars; or things like choking on fish balls while eating - I decided to stay put in my room.
I shall retire for the day and go on sulking about how bad this year is going to be. =(
Saturday, February 12, 2011
The world's most mean girl. The type of girl your parent's would never allow you to date. The kind of girl that every parents fear to have. The foul-mouthed and don't-give-a-fuck attitude never fails to land her a special space in all teachers' heart - as the worst kid in school. The sort of woman who'll never bat an eyelid when she kills.
She belongs to the same classification group as wolves and lupines. Her species hunt and kill all weaklings.
She looked into the mirror's reflection. With blood dripping from the corners of her mouth, she gave a little burp. "How yummy breakfast is", she thought silently. With a little smile to herself, she wiped off the red with a kitchen roll.
"Eeeee... Why is there so much ketchup on your face!!!", Mom yelled.
Na bey......... I am full of nonsense now. Because, I am trying to fall asleep. And millions of thoughts clouding my mind again, all of them trying to vie for attention. Even my thoughts are as attention-seeking as I am.
I suddenly have so much stories and ideas to blog. And I am super tired. Very, extremely tired. How many nights have I napped? Lost count, BUT at least, I clocked an hour or two every day. No, not day. Was it night? I lost track of my time because two days might have passed and I am still sitting cross-legged in my dark room.
Fun fact: I can sit cross-legged, in ONE position, for more than 8 hours (without feeling any numbing of legs some more!). Not to try, because when I tried to stand up, it totally loses it's ability to walk and I fell right on my face. I think I'll be able to ace if I were to take up meditation or be a nun! Funny.
Two pills I've popped ages ago...
I've noticed, recently, that I do think
LOOK AT MY DARK EYE CIRCLES! *Faints*
Anyway, I was thinking about Date and all my previous boyfriends. Actually I do not have a lot. Not if you exclude those whom I think are an "infatuation". Those I-love-you-to-death-and-if-you-leave-me-I'll-die relationships, there are only 4. Plus one guy but I was never in a relationship with him because he didn't want to and REJECTED ME 5 MILLION TIMES!!!!!
Anyway, I reflected on my attitude as all the 4 plus 1 guys were the ones who left me. Thank god! I finally found one guy whose patient enough to put up with my never ending tantrums and mood swings.
Back to the point: Female Chauvinistic Pig, I am. A rather huge ego to go with. I am never the type who would swallow my pride and lower my head (unless if it was my fault). And I must be the Queen-of-Hearts ("Off with the head!"- from Alice in the Wonderland), the one who wears the trousers, the one who holds the power and authority. Yea, that me, baby.
Don't be quick to brush me off as someone heartless or knows nothing about having a heart for others. There are times I feel sad too. Date is smart. He'll tell me my faults, if I
I do enjoy helping old people. =) But I am really afraid of rejection, with a little shyness. This is where the man comes in! Get them to offer a helping hand! They would be the ones others suspect to be a molester/robber/bad guy and I'll be able to sneak away, scot-free, like a stowaway in giant aircraft. Wahahaha. Ingenious me. *Blow kisses to my reflection in the mirror*
Date brought up this point that got me pondering for quite a while. I am always self-contradicting. Just a little elaboration and explanation on my side. True. Even I can't figure out myself. I don't even know what I want. Those idiots who tells me that they know exactly what I am thinking or who I am are fucking bullshit. Half the time I just hit the "auto-pilot" button. Smile and nod and nod and smile with occasional "hmmmms" and "ohhh", ending off perfectly with a "I see!".
I always said I am real. In terms of what I say, what my actions are and how I portray myself to be. So, which is the real me? All of them are. I does sound confusing, even to me. I mulled over this question for nights and manage to come up with a explanation. Well, it may not be true but that is the only logical illustration I can produce with that minute brain of mine (Fun fact: Albert Einstein's brain size is smaller than a normal being's due to absence of "Lateral Sulcus".)
My two cents' worth of explanation (Am not even sure WHY should I even bother explaining myself! I won't give a shit even if you had the biggest mis-perception about my character or moral values.):
It is pretty hard for me to describe my point with just words so let's use a real life scenario. I told Date this when we were still in our "honeymoon period". And the latter is what I told him a month back when we crossed-path with the same topic.
"Oh, I can't wait to get married and have kids. We'll have a place we can call our own. Where Baby can poo, pee and shed fur everywhere! Don't expect me to clean up though. That's what 'maids' are for! Promise you'll take me away.... *Looks at him with huge, teary eyes*". Compare that to this, "WHAT?!?! Marriage?!?! Don't stress me! I am still too young. Yet to see the world and my life have not even started!!!! *Horrified expression and point a gun at my temples*".
Alright, that was not my exact words (I decided not to let you guys know what the exact dialog is but the underlying statement remains unchanged). You get the drift, eh? Or else you wouldn't be reading my blog as it does kill some brain cells to unfold what I am trying to explicate.
Well, sad and delighted to say it's both me. Both are my true answers. But my personality (or blaming Bipolar) is as such. My mind is ever changing. And it changes even faster than how I could react. Three months ago, I was so into Jigsaw-puzzles. I did like a whole lot of them. Refer to the word "Enthusiastic" in the dictionary and you'll see my picture. I could just sit down in my room and do them whole day and night. My record was 3 days and nights to complete one. And sitting crossed-leg, only getting up to visit the washroom. No meals and very little water. I wouldn't budge from my position no matter what. Even had my bladder stored till it's fullest for more than 5 hours before relieving it (and ending up with Urinary Tract Infection). But as always, the passion and love last for less than a month. I'll find something more interesting
Sounds logical, doesn't it? And to those people who concieves themselves to be slow in learning, try to love what you do. When you have passion and heart for something, you have the tendency to pick up fast.
Do what you love, but if you hadn't got any choice, LOVE WHAT YOU DO!
Damn, suddenly I appreciate Bipolar Disorder a lot. A perfect excuse when you are feeling mean and just feel like biting someone. Just be a sweetie and give them a little smile, showing those pearly white teeth while tilting your head to a side and apologize innocently, and justify that Bipolar is acting up. Tee hee!
Fuck, did I just mentioned the above. Now Date's going to know I am acting innocent all these time. Oops, very, very wrong. *Clears throat and look with double puppy eyes* "Date dear, what I meant was, oh! That's Bipolar typing! It wasn't me! I am a little princess, as always. The mean side is SO not me." *Clears throat again*
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Control Over Your Mind
I stayed awake for another what seemed like eternity. I had already lost track of time, date and every other things in life. Is this time a day or a night? No idea. I remained stayed in my own dark room (and mind you, my room is really dark because I blocked all lights from the window with black paper and it is fucking creepy - AND I AM AFRAID OF GHOSTS!)
Today was another night/day without sleep. But I am not afraid. I have him back in my life. And there he is, snoozing beside me like an innocent baby. Fuck, that was what made me mad at him in the first place. TOO INNOCENT, BLUR AND SIMPLE-MINDED! To match this with my super complicated and self-contradicting nature, it only meant endless quarrels of not being to see eye-to-eye or agree on certain matters.
Thank god, he is very patient and understanding. Or else, he would be scared off by my actions (and I think I am pretty extreme too) by now.
That stupid Idiot. Never go away no matter how you chase him. Not that I was really chasing him away though. I just wanted to find some excuse to talk to him and my pride is so not letting way. Hence, I could only scream at him. But that idiot thought I was angry, WHICH, in turn, makes me really mad! Why can't he see that I am *allowing/deceiving/finding excuse* my fucking pride to make me feel better IF I talked to him.
Anyway, while looking at him stir in his sleep, I got tired too. Ain't it amazing that by looking at one sleeping MIGHT be the next best thing to do other than downing sleeping pills if you are hyperactive or had a bad case of insomnia! EUREKA! I discovered a cure! As much as I tried not to disturb him when I lie down beside him, the clumsy me had to be present and I woke him up.
I wasn't hungry when I suggested cooking for him. I just feel like doing so but not about to admit it. Fucking pride and ego. I admit. I have fucking big balls and I ALWAYS wear the pants. I ate so much that now I am about to burst! Had small/little/no appetite since crash dieting but I know he won't eat unless I say I am hungry and I want to eat. But that isn't the main point of the post. Neither is the top. It's all crap.
The main thing is that, when I was cooking for him, I looked out of the window. The sun shone. The white, fluffy, clouds are dotting in the blue sky like cotton-candies. I feel like a child. A child I used to be. Full of smiles, hopes and anticipation for life. A child that never bow down to challenges. A child who invites obstacles with open arms. A child who is so strong that she could overcome anything in the world that is thrown her way. A child who took her own initiative in learning. An irritating child - never stops questioning, challenging theories and finding out answers by herself. A child who took pride in learning and loving everything she does, even if it means clearing shit for others. A child who held on to dreams and fairy tales - believing that she is Cinderella (this is a secret that I never tell others. Date, now you know why I always FORCE you to read fairy tales to me when coaxing me sleep).
It dawned to me, that being too mature too quickly, I had skipped passed childhood unknowingly. I grew up too quick, went through too much and see too much shit. The shining diamond of hope was being thrown buckets and buckets of murky, cold water. Soon, it was drowned and the glimmer could no longer be seen. I lost myself. It's time to dig that diamond out and polish so that it would shine again. Do you polish diamonds? I doubt so. My knowledge about diamonds is limited (for I never am interested in the "girls' best friend". I know the best diamond comes with flaws like scratches inside - as it was deemed as 'naturally formed'.
Right.... Sorry for the outburst. I am always full of nonsense and my outbreaks visit every now and then, with surprise. Ahem, ignore the top (I know I am very thick-skinned but you got to hand it over to this 20 *gasp!!!* year old lady here).
Anyway, while cooking, I decided I want my hopes back. I gave a "hope" to this guy and it was the LARGEST mistake in my life. No, not just one guy. Another one had the love-of-my-life's "hope". And damn, it is impossible for me to ask them back. Did try but both conveniently ignored me. *Grrrr*
Today, I am glad my suicide attempt did not succeed. If it did, I probably wouldn't had this feeling so strong that I could take 500 Sumo-wrestlers down. The feeling so intense, throbbing through every blood vessels, muscles and breath. The warm rush of energy trailing down as you inhale, dissolving and binding with red blood cells and diffusing through every single organ, every single part of your body. The tingling sensation quivering down your spine, ending with a slight shock at your fingertips and sending chills down your bones *Pondering and pausing a few seconds* The way I am describing this is so wrong.... Sounds like an orgasm to me. Or maybe I am describing one? *Beams from ear to ear*
It is the feeling of HOPE in your life again. And it is all thanks to this man here. This man whom I agreed a date with because I was just ditched and needed some companionship. I am so so glad I decided to brace myself up and gave both of us a chance. I am so thankful that a man, so sincere and perfect could be mine.
I did feel bad and in the beginning, I thought he was those playboys you see around. WHO ON THE RIGHT FRAME OF MIND WOULD JUST ASK A GIRL FOR HER NUMBER? No funny pick up lines so that I could stare at him for trying to be funny. No funny excuses to "bump" into you so that he could send you home. All he said was, "Can I have your number?" I had no reason to turn him down; there is nothing I could find fault with. I can't roll my eyes as there are not trying-too-hard pick up lines. There is no threat in him. He didn't try to hold my hand or touch me anywhere. And what's more, he is pretty cute and got me quite spell bounded to him. Thanks to him, I forgot my objective of talking to him and after giving my number, I was flushing hot so I excused myself and went back to work. That whole day, I remembered VERY clearly, I smiled for the first time after the break up. It was also a self-esteem boost as I learnt that THERE IS PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO THINKS I AM PRETTY!!!! (Tips for guys out there: Straightforwardness and sincerity would get you ANYWHERE and EVERYWHERE.)
Our first date, was after Chinese New Year. I wore a 4-inch heels and suggested going to Escape. I thought I wouldn't fall for him, as after all, I am just trying to use one guy to forget my failed relationship with G.B. Wrong clothing, wrong destination equals to sparks. A 4-inch pair of heels are not meant for playgrounds. I think I fell down and he helped me up. That was our first physical contact. But I was already quite TRAUMATIZED and pretty afraid of falling again, I held on to him when walking on steps. It wasn't the embarrassment of falling down. I never gave "second date" any thoughts at all. I just felt bad to turn someone down. Especially if he thinks you are hot! But yea, things were pretty in a smooth flow. He was there when I needed him. And as natural as the Earth, we crossed the line. I did told him this. He wasn't mad or anything. But the first few dates, I was only starting to forget G.B, and I was lying *a lot* to him. I never knew that while trying to drown others, you'll get wet too. When feeling for him developed, I start to see a whole new world. A world, where there is no boundaries. A world full of loves, hopes and dreams.
It's really funny, how someone so innocent still exists. I always call myself a rolling stone. Too fast a learner. Too fast paced. Too quick to move on with life. And that slow Tortoise, somehow manage to lodge itself in my path, causing me to reach a halt and take a breather. And at the very same moment, I noticed the sceneries. How beautiful it is if I only paused to look. A new outlook on life. My "picture" of sceneries are always blurred and zooming past me. With him, it looked fantastic. He is not going to dislodge himself. He is here to stay, blocking my path so that I would not speed by. Sweet little thing he is - that Tortoise. And I am more than happy to be stuck to a Tortoise. =D
I guess, this is fate. Fate of a heartbroken girl and a charming bachelor. Fate had just unfold the doors of two lonely hearts. I love you, Fate.
But baby, where they knock you down and out
Is where you're oughta stay