Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating
This Is Me
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"Never let anything known for anyone to stab you in."
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Sunday, February 6, 2011
Control Over Your Mind
I stayed awake for another what seemed like eternity. I had already lost track of time, date and every other things in life. Is this time a day or a night? No idea. I remained stayed in my own dark room (and mind you, my room is really dark because I blocked all lights from the window with black paper and it is fucking creepy - AND I AM AFRAID OF GHOSTS!)
Today was another night/day without sleep. But I am not afraid. I have him back in my life. And there he is, snoozing beside me like an innocent baby. Fuck, that was what made me mad at him in the first place. TOO INNOCENT, BLUR AND SIMPLE-MINDED! To match this with my super complicated and self-contradicting nature, it only meant endless quarrels of not being to see eye-to-eye or agree on certain matters.
Thank god, he is very patient and understanding. Or else, he would be scared off by my actions (and I think I am pretty extreme too) by now.
That stupid Idiot. Never go away no matter how you chase him. Not that I was really chasing him away though. I just wanted to find some excuse to talk to him and my pride is so not letting way. Hence, I could only scream at him. But that idiot thought I was angry, WHICH, in turn, makes me really mad! Why can't he see that I am *allowing/deceiving/finding excuse* my fucking pride to make me feel better IF I talked to him.
Anyway, while looking at him stir in his sleep, I got tired too. Ain't it amazing that by looking at one sleeping MIGHT be the next best thing to do other than downing sleeping pills if you are hyperactive or had a bad case of insomnia! EUREKA! I discovered a cure! As much as I tried not to disturb him when I lie down beside him, the clumsy me had to be present and I woke him up.
I wasn't hungry when I suggested cooking for him. I just feel like doing so but not about to admit it. Fucking pride and ego. I admit. I have fucking big balls and I ALWAYS wear the pants. I ate so much that now I am about to burst! Had small/little/no appetite since crash dieting but I know he won't eat unless I say I am hungry and I want to eat. But that isn't the main point of the post. Neither is the top. It's all crap.
The main thing is that, when I was cooking for him, I looked out of the window. The sun shone. The white, fluffy, clouds are dotting in the blue sky like cotton-candies. I feel like a child. A child I used to be. Full of smiles, hopes and anticipation for life. A child that never bow down to challenges. A child who invites obstacles with open arms. A child who is so strong that she could overcome anything in the world that is thrown her way. A child who took her own initiative in learning. An irritating child - never stops questioning, challenging theories and finding out answers by herself. A child who took pride in learning and loving everything she does, even if it means clearing shit for others. A child who held on to dreams and fairy tales - believing that she is Cinderella (this is a secret that I never tell others. Date, now you know why I always FORCE you to read fairy tales to me when coaxing me sleep).
It dawned to me, that being too mature too quickly, I had skipped passed childhood unknowingly. I grew up too quick, went through too much and see too much shit. The shining diamond of hope was being thrown buckets and buckets of murky, cold water. Soon, it was drowned and the glimmer could no longer be seen. I lost myself. It's time to dig that diamond out and polish so that it would shine again. Do you polish diamonds? I doubt so. My knowledge about diamonds is limited (for I never am interested in the "girls' best friend". I know the best diamond comes with flaws like scratches inside - as it was deemed as 'naturally formed'.
Right.... Sorry for the outburst. I am always full of nonsense and my outbreaks visit every now and then, with surprise. Ahem, ignore the top (I know I am very thick-skinned but you got to hand it over to this 20 *gasp!!!* year old lady here).
Anyway, while cooking, I decided I want my hopes back. I gave a "hope" to this guy and it was the LARGEST mistake in my life. No, not just one guy. Another one had the love-of-my-life's "hope". And damn, it is impossible for me to ask them back. Did try but both conveniently ignored me. *Grrrr*
Today, I am glad my suicide attempt did not succeed. If it did, I probably wouldn't had this feeling so strong that I could take 500 Sumo-wrestlers down. The feeling so intense, throbbing through every blood vessels, muscles and breath. The warm rush of energy trailing down as you inhale, dissolving and binding with red blood cells and diffusing through every single organ, every single part of your body. The tingling sensation quivering down your spine, ending with a slight shock at your fingertips and sending chills down your bones *Pondering and pausing a few seconds* The way I am describing this is so wrong.... Sounds like an orgasm to me. Or maybe I am describing one? *Beams from ear to ear*
It is the feeling of HOPE in your life again. And it is all thanks to this man here. This man whom I agreed a date with because I was just ditched and needed some companionship. I am so so glad I decided to brace myself up and gave both of us a chance. I am so thankful that a man, so sincere and perfect could be mine.
I did feel bad and in the beginning, I thought he was those playboys you see around. WHO ON THE RIGHT FRAME OF MIND WOULD JUST ASK A GIRL FOR HER NUMBER? No funny pick up lines so that I could stare at him for trying to be funny. No funny excuses to "bump" into you so that he could send you home. All he said was, "Can I have your number?" I had no reason to turn him down; there is nothing I could find fault with. I can't roll my eyes as there are not trying-too-hard pick up lines. There is no threat in him. He didn't try to hold my hand or touch me anywhere. And what's more, he is pretty cute and got me quite spell bounded to him. Thanks to him, I forgot my objective of talking to him and after giving my number, I was flushing hot so I excused myself and went back to work. That whole day, I remembered VERY clearly, I smiled for the first time after the break up. It was also a self-esteem boost as I learnt that THERE IS PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO THINKS I AM PRETTY!!!! (Tips for guys out there: Straightforwardness and sincerity would get you ANYWHERE and EVERYWHERE.)
Our first date, was after Chinese New Year. I wore a 4-inch heels and suggested going to Escape. I thought I wouldn't fall for him, as after all, I am just trying to use one guy to forget my failed relationship with G.B. Wrong clothing, wrong destination equals to sparks. A 4-inch pair of heels are not meant for playgrounds. I think I fell down and he helped me up. That was our first physical contact. But I was already quite TRAUMATIZED and pretty afraid of falling again, I held on to him when walking on steps. It wasn't the embarrassment of falling down. I never gave "second date" any thoughts at all. I just felt bad to turn someone down. Especially if he thinks you are hot! But yea, things were pretty in a smooth flow. He was there when I needed him. And as natural as the Earth, we crossed the line. I did told him this. He wasn't mad or anything. But the first few dates, I was only starting to forget G.B, and I was lying *a lot* to him. I never knew that while trying to drown others, you'll get wet too. When feeling for him developed, I start to see a whole new world. A world, where there is no boundaries. A world full of loves, hopes and dreams.
It's really funny, how someone so innocent still exists. I always call myself a rolling stone. Too fast a learner. Too fast paced. Too quick to move on with life. And that slow Tortoise, somehow manage to lodge itself in my path, causing me to reach a halt and take a breather. And at the very same moment, I noticed the sceneries. How beautiful it is if I only paused to look. A new outlook on life. My "picture" of sceneries are always blurred and zooming past me. With him, it looked fantastic. He is not going to dislodge himself. He is here to stay, blocking my path so that I would not speed by. Sweet little thing he is - that Tortoise. And I am more than happy to be stuck to a Tortoise. =D
I guess, this is fate. Fate of a heartbroken girl and a charming bachelor. Fate had just unfold the doors of two lonely hearts. I love you, Fate.
But baby, where they knock you down and out
Is where you're oughta stay