Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating
This Is Me
Me. Magical. Min. Maniac. Monster. Monetary.
"Never let anything known for anyone to stab you in."
FORGIVE BUT NEVER FORGET!
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Saturday, February 12, 2011
Two pills I've popped ages ago...
I've noticed, recently, that I do think
LOOK AT MY DARK EYE CIRCLES! *Faints*
Anyway, I was thinking about Date and all my previous boyfriends. Actually I do not have a lot. Not if you exclude those whom I think are an "infatuation". Those I-love-you-to-death-and-if-you-leave-me-I'll-die relationships, there are only 4. Plus one guy but I was never in a relationship with him because he didn't want to and REJECTED ME 5 MILLION TIMES!!!!!
Anyway, I reflected on my attitude as all the 4 plus 1 guys were the ones who left me. Thank god! I finally found one guy whose patient enough to put up with my never ending tantrums and mood swings.
Back to the point: Female Chauvinistic Pig, I am. A rather huge ego to go with. I am never the type who would swallow my pride and lower my head (unless if it was my fault). And I must be the Queen-of-Hearts ("Off with the head!"- from Alice in the Wonderland), the one who wears the trousers, the one who holds the power and authority. Yea, that me, baby.
Don't be quick to brush me off as someone heartless or knows nothing about having a heart for others. There are times I feel sad too. Date is smart. He'll tell me my faults, if I
I do enjoy helping old people. =) But I am really afraid of rejection, with a little shyness. This is where the man comes in! Get them to offer a helping hand! They would be the ones others suspect to be a molester/robber/bad guy and I'll be able to sneak away, scot-free, like a stowaway in giant aircraft. Wahahaha. Ingenious me. *Blow kisses to my reflection in the mirror*
Date brought up this point that got me pondering for quite a while. I am always self-contradicting. Just a little elaboration and explanation on my side. True. Even I can't figure out myself. I don't even know what I want. Those idiots who tells me that they know exactly what I am thinking or who I am are fucking bullshit. Half the time I just hit the "auto-pilot" button. Smile and nod and nod and smile with occasional "hmmmms" and "ohhh", ending off perfectly with a "I see!".
I always said I am real. In terms of what I say, what my actions are and how I portray myself to be. So, which is the real me? All of them are. I does sound confusing, even to me. I mulled over this question for nights and manage to come up with a explanation. Well, it may not be true but that is the only logical illustration I can produce with that minute brain of mine (Fun fact: Albert Einstein's brain size is smaller than a normal being's due to absence of "Lateral Sulcus".)
My two cents' worth of explanation (Am not even sure WHY should I even bother explaining myself! I won't give a shit even if you had the biggest mis-perception about my character or moral values.):
It is pretty hard for me to describe my point with just words so let's use a real life scenario. I told Date this when we were still in our "honeymoon period". And the latter is what I told him a month back when we crossed-path with the same topic.
"Oh, I can't wait to get married and have kids. We'll have a place we can call our own. Where Baby can poo, pee and shed fur everywhere! Don't expect me to clean up though. That's what 'maids' are for! Promise you'll take me away.... *Looks at him with huge, teary eyes*". Compare that to this, "WHAT?!?! Marriage?!?! Don't stress me! I am still too young. Yet to see the world and my life have not even started!!!! *Horrified expression and point a gun at my temples*".
Alright, that was not my exact words (I decided not to let you guys know what the exact dialog is but the underlying statement remains unchanged). You get the drift, eh? Or else you wouldn't be reading my blog as it does kill some brain cells to unfold what I am trying to explicate.
Well, sad and delighted to say it's both me. Both are my true answers. But my personality (or blaming Bipolar) is as such. My mind is ever changing. And it changes even faster than how I could react. Three months ago, I was so into Jigsaw-puzzles. I did like a whole lot of them. Refer to the word "Enthusiastic" in the dictionary and you'll see my picture. I could just sit down in my room and do them whole day and night. My record was 3 days and nights to complete one. And sitting crossed-leg, only getting up to visit the washroom. No meals and very little water. I wouldn't budge from my position no matter what. Even had my bladder stored till it's fullest for more than 5 hours before relieving it (and ending up with Urinary Tract Infection). But as always, the passion and love last for less than a month. I'll find something more interesting
Sounds logical, doesn't it? And to those people who concieves themselves to be slow in learning, try to love what you do. When you have passion and heart for something, you have the tendency to pick up fast.
Do what you love, but if you hadn't got any choice, LOVE WHAT YOU DO!
Damn, suddenly I appreciate Bipolar Disorder a lot. A perfect excuse when you are feeling mean and just feel like biting someone. Just be a sweetie and give them a little smile, showing those pearly white teeth while tilting your head to a side and apologize innocently, and justify that Bipolar is acting up. Tee hee!
Fuck, did I just mentioned the above. Now Date's going to know I am acting innocent all these time. Oops, very, very wrong. *Clears throat and look with double puppy eyes* "Date dear, what I meant was, oh! That's Bipolar typing! It wasn't me! I am a little princess, as always. The mean side is SO not me." *Clears throat again*
But baby, where they knock you down and out
Is where you're oughta stay