Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating
This Is Me
Me. Magical. Min. Maniac. Monster. Monetary.
"Never let anything known for anyone to stab you in."
FORGIVE BUT NEVER FORGET!
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Sunday, March 27, 2011
Tips and tricks on appreciating yourself
Take time off everyday off to slack, rest or nap while working would enhance most people's job performance is a fact, as studies have shown.
I had known that since I was in Primary school. Half my childhood was spent sleeping. Heavy sleeper I was, as I had my mom going THROUGH the roof and fuming smoke from ears and nose. That was, just tip of the ice burg. Creative me, thought of a way to sleep extra 30 minutes (for showering and preparing to go school) by wearing my uniform to sleep. Imagine the look on my mom when she flipped up my blanket the next day! Classic, I tell you! What's more, while inside or waiting for the life or for my sister or my mom, I would lean against any walls or corners and sleep. I only wake up an hour before school starts, and reach there just before the bell goes off. When school's over, I would reach home and down my food in record-breaking speed, showered and hit the sack, with drenched hair. Maybe that's how my migraine develops and why I am so hyper-active now.
Do take note of the following:
1) Power naps in the office must not exceed half an hour (yes, inclusive of the time you TRY) to sleep. You would be noticeably pissed at the alarm or person and extremely tired BUT please refrain from throwing objects as littering would only give your wallet holes. Ignore strong urges to doze again and trust me. My theory to why this works is because ANGER IS AN ENERGIZED EMOTION. It recharges you with the gush of adrenaline. Not proven my scientists, but just something logical I came up with (using my knowledge of biology).
2) This is the utmost important; DO NOT SLEEP IN FRONT OF YOUR BOSS. Do it during lunch breaks. Last thing I want to carry is the responsibility of your retrenchment.
With that, I did my own study in a slightly similar-but-different subject. I had came up with "Ris' fact" AND that is why I wrote this post.
Spend some time off daydreaming and thinking about how good you're. It is not time consuming as one can think about it before sleep, while waiting or on the bus ride home. Convenience and speed is our century's way of living. This "SELF-PRAISE" period not only makes you feel good, enhances confidence (and being confident does gives off an aura that would attract people), and IMPROVES SELF LOVE.
Point to note:
Practically none, but nothing's perfect and things done/taken in too low or high does might create an adverse effect. You won't want people to label you "snob or over-confidence", so do it in MODERATION.
But I am an extremist. I do things in extreme-abundance excessivenessly. Can't blame me as words are easier said than done! For me, I am capable just that my character isn't and my brain doesn't allow.
THUS, this post is far from done.
Don't you hate it when people fall asleep while you talk? I love science facts and there is more than 10 GB of related information underneath my skull. Biology, ecology, astronomy, physics, chemistry, and the list goes on. For information, I have done basic reading in ALL science-related topics, choosing some interesting one to do in-depth reading and filtering those "dry" ones.
I get bored easily and need constant enrichment or entertainment.
Yesterday, I read some business proposal and stuff, and replied as usual. I didn't want to reveal too much details as it's not in my job-scope to help recognize the pros and cons of launching their service or product. But being so lonely, I unknowingly typed and typed and typed and typed for 4 hours. 4 precious hour of my sleep time went to replying 2 mails.
TWO MAILS IN FOUR BLOODY HOURS! NOT THE EFFICIENT ME I THOUGHT I WAS!
But instead of a "short reply" I intended, I ended up with a super long message. Think I could make a lullaby out of it. Did a quick word count and the average of words typed between the two replies were, 789. DAMN! SO LITTLE! I could write my compositions within an hour and they were never less than 800 words!
I am depressed and demoralized, not to mention the plunge in value for myself.
Which is why I am still at it. Next tsunami of myself.
I had been lucky since young. 4 digits I mentioned randomly would win lucky listeners themselves extra "income". No, I don't buy and after my pageant, it seems like Lady Luck left me as her mission to help me was accomplished! *She should have stayed a while longer.*
Well, but it is very, very spooky and true that some things I mentioned would come true in 2 days' time. I love to analyze and research and experiment. Having no outlet to share, I would keep them to myself. If you're wondering why, it's because I find it extremely rude for someone to yawn or sleep whenever I share my views with long, windy facts, supporting myself with evidences and boring research. Imagine the feelings you'll get when you are all excited, like bubbles in fizzy drinks when shook, with the immense pressure inside you waiting to share your findings (after days of hardcore research and reading case studies) with the one you love and HE FELL ASLEEP! I find it interesting, but different people, different perspectives. All I wanted was to share the thing I love (or have interest in) with someone I love. I am easily contented. Even, little pat on the back for my hard work is fine. Or at least, pretend to listen. Another reason was, I ran out of people to rant to.
They just don't find it interesting. Guess I know Mr Van Gogh, Mr Thomson Edison and Mr Einstein's feelings.
The other day, I casually told Date a story. The Bukit Merah and Red Hill story we learnt in Secondary School English Textbook(God! Having mythical stories like this? That should be done in Primary Level). And 2 days later, The New Paper did a report on it. I am tempted to share the story but I have been typing since 8pm and now's 11.46pm. But temptations won but on a compromise that I keep it short. So short that I looked up online and (FINALLY!) found it. Read the myth here.
And I had been addressing this potential social problem in Primary 3. Won't talk too much about the reason as I'll blabber on again. In short, made friends with a single-parent girl. I remembered stating in my journal before that we are becoming more westernized and family's bonding are not as highly regarded anymore. No laws like Philippines that couples can only apply for divorce after 15 years together. Maybe there were already discussions in the various boards or government meetings but well, I did happened after a while. More families-bonding activities, programs and advertisements are seen. Along with the divorce findings, I guess that "causal sex" would be more common. Virgins are rare to find now - after the age of 18. If sex is not with love or feelings, MARRIAGES wouldn't work as sex is as pleasuring as with any Tom, Dick and Harry. Then comes reckless sex. Increase chances of abortions, diseases and death. Mental stress. High standards of living also contributes to that. Work, work, work, no time for family or mood for sex.
At that time I pointed that up-coming trend, I also have business visions. TO MAKE USE OF THE SITUATION - even though I know that it's exploitation at the unfortunate but one's meat is another's poison. To set up workshops to foster the bonds in families. But kids find it embarrassing to go out with them. And I thought of having this "cool and trendy" concept that teens find it attractive. But work was definitely in the way, hence duration is definitely kept minimal. Minimum effort, maximum result equals super effective work done! Kill 2 birds in one stone - earn money and help a family.
Next, random sex. Someone did it - but my concept I am still keeping it a secret because, though it fairly similar, MINE IS BETTER; IMPROVISED DREAM. Working hard towards it. Wish no one beats me to the game again.
Ice-cream shop was also one of my dreams. But one at Clementi fulfilled it for me, EXACTLY WHAT I HAD IN MIND!
Another 3 social trends are not going to be voiced. But when it happens, I will be bombarded with replies like, "Ya right! Now then say." or "Show off.". Hence, I changed my mind and here goes nothing.
First, a dip in sexual activities. We are too well-educated. A hike in sex-for-sale. Men, I noticed are lower ranked in most companies. Women are gaining power, from the God-sent nature of WE GIVE BIRTH. Singapore needs babies. Incentives and company policies are giving us the trump cards. Having 2 years spent in NS, men normally are lower in positions, given the rate that both sexes are promoted at the same rate. Would a woman with high income fuck or marry a man lower? We, as a matter of fact, prefer a dominating man. Career woman have higher testerones levels as a study had shown. Testerones level high is equivalent to high sex drive. Now gigolo's industry would soar. Men, with no one to screw, buy it.
Next, the competition of power, status and wealth. Interests as stakes, no emotions can interfere. So, ruthless and heartless. Religious faiths and believes wavier. Everyone is out for everyone. No trust just pure defensiveness. What's more do I need to say.
Lastly, the difference in being a "human" and "animal". We might just turn back into monkeys.
While typing, a lot of ideas flashed through my head. I forgot what are the points but there are a lot more which unfolds as I address the existing.
Health! Organic foods, agro-cultured vegetables, and treated meat are going to kill us. In olden days, human developed strong immune system because things were not as "clean". It works this way, if one is exposed to a small amount of virus or bacteria or cells that is foreign, the body would counter-attack by creating an antibody to kill it. Antibodies don't go away. Your body has it's own "tracking and identifying" system. Next time it invades again, your body is prepared.
Patients requests for antibiotics all the time. But if one doesn't develop fever for more than 3 days or not that sick, it is not necessary for antibiotics as it's INEFFECTIVE against virus. It only targets BACTERIA. Virus have specific medicines and ARE PREVENTABLE with help from VACCINATIONS.
Antibodies are developed in you, by your cells, in your body. Which is why it attacks virus and bacteria. Antibiotics are medication made from microbes which you won't want to know.
It's okay, if you COMPLETE the whole course of medicine. But once people gets better, they stop. LISTEN AND HEAR MY WORDS. Though outside you are well, there may still be "survivals" lurking inside you. Only too small an amount to affect you. But they multiply EXPONENTIALLY. Which is, 1 becomes 2. 2 becomes 4. 4 becomes 8. They split in such furious rate so the next thing you know, you are ill again. And being survival, the naturally are stronger than they fellow dead cells. The "strong" genes passed on and for all you know, the might start to mutate and IMMUNE themselves to grow and thrive. Then you get more antibiotics and the same cycle continues. One day, all antibiotics would be of no use to these bacteria cells. Then congrats, you are one of the carrier of MRSA.
If you are clean, great for us. WHAT IF YOU SPIT AND IT EVAPORATES AND OTHERS BREATHE IN?!
Now is officially 1.12am and I have been deprived of sleep for 3 days, only rested 3 hours and I am still hyper but I took my medicine and I am drowsy.
My list of points-to-write are only LESS THAN 1/5 done! WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING ALL THESE TIME?
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
My English is definitely better!
Well, I never had the habits of reading forums of any sort. Never ever did, due to the known fact that guys (mainly) flock to places like those! And the topics guys would only touch on is probably just women (mainly boobs, looks, figure) and football.
If they were in the topic of women, they'll criticize everything about that flawless young babe - reason being; Their girlfriends/wives are not as pretty. Brag on about how models shouldn't cake so much makeup or photoshop and all. Okay, two ways to answer and I am feeling neutral today so I shall rebut in a sweet way.
Men: Breast must be fake. So full. Eyes so small. Mouth too big. Too much make up and colors don't do justice to their features. Yada, yada.... (By now, I have already auto-pilot myself).
Me: Without enhancing our looks, WOULD YOU GUYS EVEN NOTICE US? Without working hard for perfect bods, WOULD YOU NOT FIND US A BORE AND BED HOTTER WORKING GIRLS? Too skinny, you all complain pain (hip-and-hip pounding). Too fat, you all say don't know which bump is the breast. Put make up (and attract other mens' attention or second glance), you say we flirt. You prefer natural. Be natural, you a shock which resulted in close shave with heart attack.
Notice how girls who doll themselves up always get the man and free drinks? Sure, you are not attracted. So, explain the bulge underneath that zippers, boy.
Whatever guys say, when you love a girl, the girl will ALWAYS have you controlled and spun around her pinkie.
So go ahead and rant, when coming to things that really matters, we girls are always the winner.
And, I was bored and took my medications so that I could sleep. While waiting for the drug to take it's effect, I looked at Yahoo! News and it lead to Stomp!
I'm a huge Xiaxue reader so obviously, did read about the "mishap" of being dropped as one of the Star Bloggers. Looking at Stomp!, I find very little difference (in contents and the language, sentence structures, tenses and vocabularies) in there and in SGforums, Hardware Zone and Sammyboy.
As all those members are MOSTLY male species, I drew my own conclusion and the above explains it all.
One thing that I like about Stomp! is that there is an "English" segment, for members to check their language.
Funny thing was; Half the questions raised regarding spellings, tenses and sentence structures, could be found in my blog posts.
Mind you, for the 1 trillionth time I am repeating, MY WRITTEN ENGLISH IS PERFECT! IT'S THE BLOODY ARTICULATION AND PRONUNCIATION WHICH I AM BAD AT! Getting nervous and tongue-tying easily is definitely not a plus!
So, ask things like, "Assuming, Presuming" or "Rebut, Refute" or "Delineation, Elucidate" or "Typify, Vivify". Smart questions. Not dumb ones extracted from my blog like, "Penguin or Penquin. Realize or Realise. Color or Colour. Favor or favour. Both are correct - it's just the words' origin: From either United States of America or Great Britian."
My English here is all-American. Not that I want to act "Caucasian" but my computer is under "English (USA) format". I tried changing it and my whole computer crashed so I vowed never to meddle with things beyond my knowledge and skills (technologies are a huge no-no). Being stuck since Primary, I had always used American English even in school. Fuck, I just realized that Cambridge University is in United Kingdom (hope they didn't penalize me).
Another point is that I am a bloody neat freak. Not in the housework or my room's chore but when it comes to computer documents, like invoices and order/purchasing lists, quotations and receipts and blog's posts, Facebook's messages and the lists is like forever. Therefore, I hate having red streaks underlying my words/documents/posts/messages. Read underlined streaks, convey a hidden message. This is my (all-nuts-bots-and-screws loose) brain's way of deciphering; *Capitalized and bold letters in font 100* YOUR ENGLISH IS WRONG. SPELLING IS WRONG, TENSES AREN'T PERFECT! WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!!!!!!!! LOOOOOSSSSSEEEERRR.
I know, I am screwed. Fortunately, I never had green streaks. Love you guys, "YES, MY SENTENCE STRUCTURE IS FLAWLESS." Give yourself a pat and pecks on your back and both cheeks respectively for announcing the right answer.
I love you guys for sweet gestures like this. You know how people would labelled me "thick skinned bitch" if I were to say it myself. Thank you for doing that. You are definitely more than welcome to praise me. Oh! Just a little favor to ask from you though, please raise your hands up before saying anything. It show good mannerisms and also ensuring that I am aware it's you who sung the praises. Tee hee hee~
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Fuck, my brains just expanded triple in size.
Well, yesterday I was out and on the Ayer Rajah Expressway home, chauffeured in the lovely, no-longer-so-trusty Toyota Corolla, I just so happened to turn my head and peeked though the small slit of my eyelid (as I always sleep once my bum's on the cushioned passenger's seat) and instead of stealing a quick look at Date, I saw one HUMONGOUS (and I mean really SUPER DUPER!) bright ball at the back of some buildings. I tried to recall the road there and looking up the Google! Maps (took me hours of road-tracing and painstakingly clicking and clicking inch of road by inch of road, okay!) I finally found a familiar building! I had the moon's position filled in with BRIGHT YELLOW so that it would be noticeable for idiots out there. Though some may, now, go, "Yellow is bright and so is the sky. It DOESN'T contrast and strains my eyes." I did my best for you guys so I reckoned that I SHOULD be given a pat on the back for my hard work instead of sarcasm so I would love to rebut, "I hope instead of straining your eyes, IT'LL FUCKING STING YOU!".
Anyway, I just had to post this. It was beautiful. You know the typical moon you see in those werewolves movies? Vampires and etcetera? It was the exact same! Pure white with some EERIE (with a prolonged and capitalized "e") patches of black that creates shadows on it. Reminds me of Mom's lie. Yes, Mommy, YOU! I remembered asking her what are those black dots on the round, white ball, while pointing with my index finger. She berated me, exclaiming that I shouldn't point at the moon or the moon would cut my ear. She also added, in a strict, as-a-matter-of-fact voice that the dots are Chang-Er and the Jade Rabbit!
I nodded and smiled happily, knowing that she is in a good mood (for she actually cared to answer), I bombarded her with, "Whys" for the next few hours until her face turned into a shade of gloom that puts Justice Bao to shame.
The next day, I didn't get my ear sliced. So I challenged the moon again, pointing it when it was at a crescent. That sharp slit could chill one to the bones, an uncanny resemblance of the Cheshire Cat's grin, as though devil is lurking and surrounding, observing and stalking your every move, following (in this case, "openly") you in the hidden darkness. FUCKING HELL! My ears both have a thin crust of blood the next day. From then on, I kept my fingers to myself and mumbled or showed my apologetic sincerity to the moon whenever I point them.
But after several trial-and-error experiments, I came to a conclusion. My own theory (so for those who beg to differ, it's your risk to take and I am not responsible) of the "Mysterious Night Visits"; Moon only cuts your ear when it's sharp (also known as in crescent) but when it is pregnant with Chang-Er's and Jade Rabbit's presence (also known as oval or wanning gibbous), it is too blunt to do any incision. Whahahaha.
Damn crappy of me, I know.
Mom's fault. She also told me that Justice Bao has his black face and a moon on his forehead because he FORGOTTEN that he had put a piece of paper there and went suntanning. Thus, his whole face is charred except for that little marked spot.
You guys have no idea what I learnt as a kid. Thank god! When Date asked me how am I going to explain birds and bees to our future babies, I stared at him, and whilst giving him a "politically correct" answer, my mind drifted off wondering what would happen if I proposed the same thing to my Mom as a child. I snickered when I thought of the possible answers which she MIGHT come up with. Things like, "I picked you up from the bin." or "You suddenly pop out from nowhere when I'm in the toilet."
Lol! Being my mother is definitely something admirable. Not for the weak, as I am capable of making one into a permanent mental wreck. A plus point for myself is that I spent most time sleeping (reason why I am so well-developed in bone and muscular structure) and I do not cry a lot. Not to mention the fact that I am not a fussy eater (but messy one!) and I love to take my milk bottle myself (no strenuous-awkward-mono posture from those feeding adults). Peace and quiet is the pro, a constant stream firing machine gun questions was PROBABLY the only down side. *Clears throat* And maybe a little more expensive than most kids because I am mischievous and investment in canes are a necessity.
Ask my Dad. Whenever he canes me, I am not like my cousins (boys!) who would run around. I just stood there. It's not that I don't want to run, just that the house is too small for me and there is just no hiding space. Where do you expect me to squirm into? The living room had nothing except a table and a long sofa attached to the wall. The fragile glass table was a box and I doubt that I could pass through solid items. Being tough is no-no for kids because I LEARNT, in my teens, THAT TEARS ARE THE ONLY WAY TO GET THINGS YOUR WAY!
The famous quote goes: 一哭,二闹,三上掉.
Truth pill: This post is a very try-too-hard attempt to make you all forget the wuss-emo-depressive-unsecured side of me.
Tell me that shit again and I might just hurl!
Life was going on perfect for me. A sweet note of true care and concern. That tint of love that makes everything worthwhile and those fairytale stuffs follow suit.
Tapping and waltzing down a busy street showering compliments to random people for their dare-to-bare style or their boho-mix-chic clothings, attention-seeking accessories, anything and everything! The song in my heart was drumming to the pulsation of my springing footsteps and the stiletto heels clacked, in a rhythm, to the pace of my imprints. I was bursting with delight, sunshine and indescribable joy.
Reaching into my bag, I dialed a series of number. The number that I remembered since the day she keyed it into my first mobile phone, Nokia 8210 in dark blue.
She is my best friend. Well, I still regard her as one, even if she doesn't.
My best friend. Sweet memories. I remembered every detail, from our first conversation to our first kiss. Don't get us wrong - it was a "hi" kiss. Not "love" kiss.
My memory is really lousy now. I had scribbled, drawn and sketched everything that I could remember of us. I am THAT bloody afraid of losing it.
Damn, it is so not me to feel all emotional and mushy. But I have to pen it down, in fear that I would be diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease the next day.
I always knew who she was, even though I am not sure if she even knew of my existence, as she was the school's belle. ALL the guys in my class would swoon about her. I remember hearing her collapse in an assembly before. My~ That was a loud fall. That was after I got her number. So anyway, I better get my love story started before I drift off to something miles apart again.
This guy in my class liked her and I was the typical tomboy. Tomboy in Primary school, tomboy in Secondary too! *Can't help but to drop the funny pun* Tomboys are always a hot favorite. I was smooth with guys, speaking their lingo and sharing their woes. On the other hand, I had girl friends confiding in me too! It was pretty easy life for me - being adaptive. So I was passed the "honors" to complete the mission.
One fine day, I waited for her, sitting on the wooden table, swinging my legs in an attempt to appear casual. The bench was situated just outside the temporary gym and those who was in track-and-field would stack their bags there as they change into their training uniforms. She was in cross-country, hence, the probability of bumping into her is high.
Me: Hey, V. Can I have your number? *Passing her my Nokia 8210*
V: Here. *Passing me my phone*
From that day, we messaged almost everyday. One classic message which I remembered was when I seek her permission to disclose her number to a secret admirer.
Me: HM wants your number. Can I give him?
V: Don't want. Don't show him what we are messaging.
It was something like that. I was captivated to her tease. Exchange of texts during lessons was fun. The thrill of getting away with something.
I was late for school one day and instead of heading to the assembly area (whereby counselors would note down names of those late-comers, gather a small group of students and make them sing the National Anthem for missing the flag raising), I climbed the fence where the side gate was and waited for my class' monitor to arrive. We have classrooms with locks, as some students (like me) would put their textbooks and files in a small space under the desk. Some students (me again!) like to go as early as 6 a.m. in the morning and put the bags in class so that they need not carry anything to assembly. Poor monitors have to be there as early as they could to open the doors as they are the only ones who holds the key.
Anyway, I lie down at one of the plastic benches outside my classroom while waiting for them and V walks over, with S. Cheery as usual, she said, "Hi" to me and planted a kiss on my lips. Well, it was meant for my cheeks but I turned my face at the wrong time and the rest is history. Sad to admit, it was my virgin kiss. =D
Half the time in school, I was noticing her. How she is so friendly towards everyone. But there is something about the way she walked. She swings too much and thus, often mistaken to be someone haughty.
Recollecting, she was a hardworking girl. Together with S, they managed to top the Normal Academic Stream and advanced to Express. That, my dear, is SOMETHING!
Then we got placed into the same class in Secondary 3. She was studious. She really worked hard and deserves the scores on the papers. I had a boyfriend. I neglected her as after school, I would disappear with him. She was often left alone. I was too "in love" to see then.
When we graduated, she went to Singapore Polytechnic, Banking and Finance. I carried on with my dream to pursue medicine and enrolled in Ngee Ann Polytechnic, Health Sciences. I was going through a bad patch with my family and moved out. She was by the door, welcoming me with open arms. The nights sleeping together with her were torturous. She would fidget and kick around, toss and turn before sleeping. That period of time is definitely the sweetest.. I would give up everything to go through that torture again.
Her family was really nice and I treated them like my own. But somehow, I begun to feel like I am a burden, hindering them. Hence, I looked up the papers for a place and moved out after a month. I felt bad, because it was like I am taking them for granted. What's more, they refused to collect rental fees from me. I don't want V and her family to think that their house is a "hotel". I still feel very much in-debt to them as they were there at my life's lowest point.
Out of the million crazy deeds we shared, I loved this, exceptionally. I proposed to her in Lee Hwa's Jewelery, Clementi. I am serious about getting her as my wife. I still regard her as one, as a matter of fact. The salesman probably thought I'm some nutty school girl. We painted the town red! But the greed for fortune got better of me and I lost my emotions.
Her words still stings like nettle, "I want you to tell me (my secrets) yourself and not hear from others. I am suppose to be your best friend." At that time, I thought, "Well, since she have the very EXCLUSIVE right to read my diary, she should know all my secrets." Parroting words or phrases is something I hated, therefore, I'd just avoid the fuss.
When I moved out, we drifted even further. I still kept that ring. I love the way it feels so perfect around my ring finger. I love the way it fits like a glove. I do regret, had repent but it was all too late.. I lost her.
Her already-very-thin string of hope snapped when I missed her farewell dinner. That's the greatest regret in my life. I could have, should have been there. But I instructed the cab to go the very opposite. Why, why did I do that? I took her for granted, thinking that she would meet me the next day or something. But she didn't. The next thing I knew, she's off.
She moved on very well, judging from her Facebook pictures and hearsay from mutual friends, without me. I wished that I could lie to myself and pretend that I don't feel anything but little pangs of heartaches would just poke my heart at night. I do wished that I was the one she shared her joy with. I do fantasize spending evenings with her again, lying down at the playground and talk our souls out.
I don't believe this. How come I couldn't see all these before. I am such a self-centered bitch who doesn't deserve the friendship. She was there for me all the time, as and when I needed, but was I there when she need me? I don't even know when she needed me! All I cared was money, riches and fortune.
Now I am sitting here in my empty room, trying to retrieve the photos of us in knee-high socks and uniform with the back classroom door as the setting. The memory card doesn't work anymore. I am practically left with nothing but just memories. Tears welling in my eyes aren't helping. My left ring finger. There sits a tiny silver ring. The ring that was placed onto by her.
She was, and will be an irreplaceable love of my life. She had imprinted my heart and my pumping heart, has a chamber for her. It's just hers, no one else. I am never changing my number - as she doesn't take the effort to memorize digits but she bore mine in her heart. What a letdown I am, fuck! I wish I could just die right now.
What's with all these emotional thoughts and all? Why is my nose getting clogged with mucus and slime? Damn, why did I go and send her a message on Facebook? Now she's going to think I am stalking her and shun far from me.
I know she won't read my blog, hence I am safe. She is an iron lady. Once you're out of her life, you're out. She totally just drops you like a hot potato, ignoring news or gossips on you. I got strike-out. She would never be interested in me or what's going on for me. I am safe...
But deep down inside, I wished I'm not. It's all too late. You can't un-spill the milk, unless you are David Copperfield. Hell, why didn't I take up magician trickeries?
P/S: V and my mom had chose the same hospital to deliver. We both have the same "Health Booklet" and it was, indeed, very rare that one would select that hospital. Thomson Medical Center. That is, naturally, my choice in the future too.
P/P/S: V, you are still as precious to me. Given any time of the day, I would do anything for you without hesitation. I know I sound lesbian-y and cheesy, sending goosebumps and chills down your spine (mine too!) but, fuck it. I just have to let the world know, "I love you! Please take your revenge on me and get me to beck at your call. I'd be more than glad to do it." Because, you are the one that matters to me. Without you, I wouldn't have known love, life and the difference in plastic and flesh.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Pop goes the weasel
"You know what? You are a self-centered bitch! Yea, that's you. Labelled yourself a heart breaker? You ain't got no one's heart to break, yo! You know what I'm saying? Yea, that's what I am referring to. Dictionary has got your picture as a reference for the word 'bitch'. So just suck some balls and keep your mouth shut because no one, and I mean NO ONE is interested in you. You are so yesterday!"
That's not an actual hate mail. In fact, I get so little hate mails as compared to those which are heart warming. I made the above up, so I could vent and rant on something. Life, as it has always been, is too perfect for me. I need something to get angry over. -Beaming gaily with my usual smile, showing off my neat, white teeth-
Well, actually I know of people who wishes that I would get banged by the car while crossing the road or get crushed by a flung out television while passing by a building. Just a sweet side note to add, I am not the least upset or affected by your vicious thoughts. You just made my day knowing that SOMEONE out there in the world would take time out, may it be a minute or even a second, to THINK about me. I don't care about the details because it's the thought that counts. =D
Pessimistic thoughts OR actions were never a part of me. On the very, very opposite, I am super optimistic. Optimistic about anything and everything. It is, I must admit, the reason of my downfall too. Too optimistic about life - admittedly, is both my strength and weakness.
I've got to learn to not be so sunshine, hence, it's back to basics. Lessons through the hard way didn't really work out. So many circumstances and experiences and my faith is still going strong!
Someone really got to knock some senses into this bloody mind of mine. But one thing stays true all along. All's well that ends well. Luck tends to dote on those who remains hopeful.
Guess that's the main ingredient to my fame. Yup, it must be.
Thank god, Luck. I love you for shining on me.
P/S: I wrote this after day-dreaming (or should I say night-dreaming). A known fact to all by now, I love to type stories (Side note: In modern society, I don't think anyone writes anymore. Leads, inks and charcoal are replaced by technologies). Scribbling down my contents and words are an in-built habit which develops into routine. Today's no different. I have never disclosed any short stories by (ahem!) yours truly but I shall make it an exception today for I am *over the moon,
"Another boring day", I thought silently and with a sigh, I mumbled, "Just like any other days." Pulling on a jumper, I grabbed my bag and prepared for school. Strolled down the usual path. Something different about the park today. Was it the old man who exercises there every morning? Nope, it wasn't. Was it the absence of chirping birds? I just could not put my finger on it. It just felt weird and that something was definitely not right.
P/P/S: Damn, I must have bored you guys out with a story like this. I just love to shoot every thing beautiful down.
One classic example:
Beautiful lush of fresh green grass in a field. Droplets of morning dew, dotting cobwebs on the grasses, reflected the sun's ray and distribute itself into different wavelengths. The spectrum projected into array of colors, also known as rainbows. A bright colored tent in the middle, with a picnic basket pinning down the straw mat. The wind blows with gentleness of a dove. Kites and white clouds flecked the clear blue sky. Children running around with their nylon strings, with happiness imprinted on their face. That sparkling smile could melt anyone's heart.I am sorry to babble on and on. But being the time to sleep, my mind becomes super active. But it's never me to give compliments. Date tasted the poisoned arrow so many times that he grew immune to it.
Me: "You are so handsome today.... Must be the fact that I forgot my spectacles!"
Date: Thank you. -Conveniently ignoring what comes after-
That idiot somehow managed to steal and acquire my ability to selectively listen. I am sad!
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
A tale that came true
All fairy tales starts with the classic line, "Once upon a time...."
My favorite was, "Once Upon a Milkshake".
I always wanted to own a hotel, ever since I was in Primary school. I worked hard, saved hard and still have not accumulate enough funds to build one washroom. (-.-") I had it all planned out, the name and all. It would be called, "Once upon a fairytale". However, time is mean and ticks by, whether you like it or not. Someone got ahead of me and it was built the exact same way as I wanted. (Not telling you guys the plan - in hope that one day, I would have enough fundings to buy and build another one.)
Today, I was shot in the head again, as Date bought me a milkshake. The shop was called, "Once Upon A Milkshake".
The milkshake there is really very nice. Super! Smooth and creamy texture that slides down your throat like blops and blops of whipped cream. The drink was blended so well, creating the thick consistency which was even in every slurp.
So, my dream came true without me. Damn, I wished I had more money......
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Seriously, shut your trap if you don't know me.
It irks me to no end to know that people are commenting as if they know me.
I, seeking for attention? Hell, if given a chance, I would choose to blend into the surrounding.
However, I am blessed with the curse to attract and it helps those measly news reporters' reports sell and gain readership, giving them extra credits to their stinky reputation that results in decent approval during their appraisal.
These muthafuckers think that they know me, saying these bullshit, judging me. Just a friendly note to you that YOU ARE THE ONES WHO MADE ME. Keep poking your nosy noses into my business, lamenting on my actions and my posts. Well, you are making the rating soar and adding on to my popularity.
Muthafuckers, I always believe what goes around comes around and to those who are giving their two cents' worth of crap, pray hard that your children would not be at the receiving ends.
I am Satan's spawn. The evil seed sowed by Master Lucifer, the devil himself. Rest assure, I would be held responsible when your retribution strike. By hook or by crook, I would stream into their young minds, corrupting and screwing their heads, twisting and turning their thoughts. Drill them up and train them into lethal weapons. Train them to torture as you watch in despair, wishing you had never offended me.
I thought I had matured and learnt to look pass all this shit. Why choose me to finger at, when the society wants to find a scapegoat to shoulder the blame? Oh, sure, blame it all on me, fuckers. And the parents are not to responsible? Where did they go when it comes to education. Sick actions that "conservative Singaporeans" had never committed or thought about doing are surfacing and hogging news' headlines one after another.
If it weren't for the endless quarrels and squabbles with friends who care and their advices, I would have slammed the whole Singapore right down to their ancestors or cocked a pistol, blasting that damn thing off at everyone I see. I would have brought all of you to grave with me.
I was determined to not let anger get the best of me. But I blew up when all this anger that I kept bottled inside me was overfilled. Fizzling like canned carbonated soda when shook profusely. Immense pressure formed, and was getting more and more intense as the second hand ticks away.
The familiar stir in my queasy stomach was churning and the urge to vomit was increasing exponentially. Forming at the verge of the cliff, anger has it and took its plunge. Venomous words spurred out, arranging themselves into single files of sentences and here I am, sitting at my bed side, with the laptop facing me, relating what I feel into neatly typed words.
Why am I letting some idiots out there take my sleep away? Why am I so stupid to succumb into their ill intentions of bringing me down? I known better than to allow that to happen to me.
The more I retaliate, the more they have to say. The more they say, the more I would spew. The more I spew, the more attention gathers. The more attention gathers, the more news-worthy I become. The more news-worthy I become, the more muthafuckers want to write up on me. The more write up on me I have, the more you guys blabber. The vicious cycle restarts, winding in a loop, playing again and again like a default merry-go-round. Screening the same bloody image, projecting the same bloody remarks and stirring up the same bloody by-products.
Damn it, I deserve to have my sleep disturbed because I allowed myself to be affected by what I have read. Darn that person who invented information technology.
Monday, March 7, 2011
An ICE that would make you sCREAM
You guys know that I am so cooped up in my own world that I had already forgotten how malls or shopping centers look like.
Today, Date brought a a pair of newlyweds, Mr Bulldozer and Miss Crane, who tried to *persuade/bribe/cajoled* and me to step out of my room.
Cut the long story short, Date and I ended up in Jurong Point. Son-of-a-bitch! The place had changed so much! I couldn't even recognize it anymore. It became freaking huge with those additional wings and extensions.
So we shopped and we shopped and we bought and we bought. Eat and eat, walk and walk. Hand in hand, with slender fingers intertwining, we skimmed through the alien building, covering every single surface and patronizing every shop which appeals to ME.
When I got tired, poor Date has had to find a joint where I can rest my tired thighs. We looked at each other, with the exact same thought in our heads, nodded in approval and scurried towards the little shop when we saw "ICE BAR".
Ice Bar is not really a shop that would make a person want to take a second glance. In fact, it doesn't even stir curiosity. I just like it's name. ICE BAR. The color of it's exterior blended with the rest and the font's color was not in contrast with it's background. I would have missed it if it wasn't for its showcase of delights. Nothing fanciful but when it comes to the scoring factor, it got a perfect ten.
Super nice! Plus, the waitresses there were so nice and friendly, you just want to go up there and give them a kiss. Well, if its Christmas and a mistletoe was present, I would have planted one sloppy smooch on each of them already!
Must try is the DURIAN FLAVOR. It is so super durain-y and nice. Grass is always greener on the other side - even though my cookies and cream was great, Date's durian ice-cream seems so much nicer, resulting in me stealing scoops and scoops of his ice cream. Their ice-cream is unique. My limited vocabulary couldn't illustrate their ice cream. It's not like those traditional creamy balls of color-coated-flavored milk. On the other hand, it is made up of layers of flakes, piling up into a small hill. Because of the compiled pieces, the ice-cream incorporates a fluffy texture. It is as light as snowflake (I know because I tried to catch snowflakes on my tongue during the Hokkaido trip) and melts when in contact with the warmth of your tongue.
It is located at the outside of the shopping mall, where the old bus interchange used to be. A DIE-DIE-MUST-TRY for all food-nastics like me. I am still having craving spasms 4 hours after we left the place. Watering mouth and salivating glands. (-.-")
And this leads me to the next topic:
How to lose weight so fast?
Speed-era, we are in. However, I am not referring to the "speed" in drugs. I am pin-pointing to the haste. Start starving yourself. Crash diet. Down those Chinese tea (mainly PU-ER tea) with laxatives. You'll feel the following, so please read the below DISCLAIMER before proceeding or imitating my actions.
Day 1: Ignore food temptations. Diarrhea until cannot walk. Sleep.
Day 2: Food still look tempting. Dismiss thought. Make myself vomit at the sight of it.
Day 3: Craving for sugary and sweet munchies are gone. Starting to feel immune to temptations at the sight of delicious food.
Day 4: Downed 2 litres of Chinese Tea before brushing my teeth and going toilet (must be done right after you wake up). Start to detest food because food reminds me of sourish vomit.
Day 5: Stomach stopped responding to hunger pangs. No longer experience gastric pains or stomach growls.
Day 6 and onwards: FOOD = DISGUSTING!
Go ahead and put yourself through the mental and physical challenge. It makes your weight fluctuate more than the graphs in the stock markets. You gain weight like crazy but shed them just as quickly.
On a side note, are you aware how detrimental "weight fluctuation" could be? Do your own research.
My choice of diet may do one more harm than good. But I am well-learned in subjects like nutrients and physiology. That is knowledge which I put to good use, ensuring my body gets the maximum amount of vitamins, controlling the input of certain nutrients as they would only add onto unwanted pounds and by-products.
Make sure that you are exchange your life for beauty before starting out on it. Some can take it, some can't. Models are known to die. And it's a risk that you are putting yourself into. Think before you act.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Never will I die - Inspiration story
Well, well. As much as you haters hate me, I am back. In fact, I conveniently selected all the hate mails, alongside with those rubbish advertisements and chain mails, and trashed them in less than 2 minutes. Reason why I took so long was because the internet connection was interrupted and I couldn't proceed with the action. Cut straight to the chase - I will never cease to steal limelights and attentions.
I am back, hotter than ever. Topped the chart for Yahoo! search list effortlessly. Thank god, for the good life that I have. The path before me was swept, mopped and brushed clean by the heavenly cupids. Phew! I have to control myself before I lose control and land in another whirlpool of compliments and self-praise and start with those, "How lucky I was to..." stories.
This is crazy! To be able to get to the level that I am at. Who would have thought that this ordinary child would grow up to be famous/infamous? Who had expected that her name would be marked in history? Who foreseen that "celebrity dream" of hers would be fulfilled? I am proud to say, I had build a castle with my own bare hands. Seized the moment and flown to glory.
Luck, has always been there for me. Well, keeping an optimistic mind does wonders too! No one believed that I can do it. I believed. Held on to the faith, working hard and grabbing every opportunity thrown my way, I finally am here. The term, "家喻户晓" is perfect to describe the amount of people who knows me.
I have to admit that I am a lazy ass and destiny was nice enough to throw chances my way. Pathways were constructed for me, with carpeted floors and polished tiles. Candles guided me throughout my whole journey. I had my fair share of setbacks and failures, like everyone else. Occasionally, I would laugh at myself and close my eyes so that I could "blind" myself when the world turns nasty.
I always believed in my the world being a place like so:
Clear blue sky, dotted with white cotton-candy clouds. Lollipop trees lining the array of green grass patch, with its strong trunk and widespread branches, they beam with an aura so bright that they could blind a person. Flowers which sway their petals nonchalantly to the rhythm of the waltzing wind. Animals were everywhere - running, pouncing, scrambling, dancing and tripping. The vast greens were only stained with little patches of red toadstools.
So, bright as the Sun, I never would be gone. I thought that I was going to be forgotten but another golden opportunity came my way.
One might think that it's all luck, which I would agree - without hesitation. But don't think luck would be able to drive you anywhere, if you hadn't put in enough effort.
Things happen for a reason. To every cause, there is an effect. You reap what you sow. The world is round hence; what goes around, comes around. You get the drift.
Most of my fans are in the same age group. I know, people out there (including myself) would look upon me, seeing me as their idol or someone they would like to mimic. Haughty - as this might sound but I am going to say it anyway: Reality check! You are not me.
I would like to remind those youths out there that rock-star life may not be as pretty as seen on televisions. People glamor them, spicing up the show because their rating stinks. To every success story you've read, there are nine failures to it. Remind yourself constantly that Thomas Edison failed more than a thousand times before he "accidentally" realized that Tungsten baby was the solution.
Please do not think that there would be free lunches falling from the skies and into the your awaiting hands. Get down to doing what it takes to make YOUR dream come true.
"Easy for me to say"; you think. Alright, now let's take a look at my diary and the whole list of things to back me up. Who was there to witness my fall? No one gives a shit to the fact that I had to sacrifice everything I have to be what I am now. I knew, from young, that I was created to do big things. But I never would have imagined being a "celebrity". When I fell, all you people did was to step over me, spit on me, trampled me and brought me down.
Fortunately, I was molded into a creature who don't give a fuck what others think. Maybe it is due to the fact that I had always known how powerful a mind can be. Thus, using that counterpart to my advantage. Stay optimistic and selective hearing was some strengths that I adopted in my childhood. Close an eye and hear what I only want to hear. That, itself, is enough to keep me going.
I always ask, "Why?" to everything. Curiosity was my middle name. Why is it that? Why is it this? I asked so many questions until it reaches a point that teachers have to ban me from questioning. Not ban, but restricting the number of queries that I can air. This lead to my ability to search for answers independently. And thanking its resources, I gradually fell in love with the library.
Nothing captivates me more than sciences, from ecology, to biology and physics or sciences. I loved experimenting with new "toys", proving theories for myself, challenging the mathematical formulas and even conducted my own mini research. This, if known back then, would be labeled "ADHD", or common known as "Attention-Deficit Hyperactive Disorder". Side note: Not a fact that I am ashamed of.
Anyway, PLEASE do not think that you would have a fate like mine. Always prepare for the worst and hope for the best. It irks me to know that some kid out there who worships me is thinking that she could be as lucky as I am and starts to lazy around, waiting for her big break.
Things will NOT happen, if you did not take the first step.
Please, understand the formula for success throughly. Success, is made up of 1% Luck, 80% Hard Work and 11% Genius.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Movie: The Magnum
Yes, my love haters. Your nightmare had came true. I am going to be starred in a movie.
Well, there's tons of questions and doubts going on and before deciding to sign up the contract.
I may not be very much of an actress but if opportunity comes my way, I do not see any reason why I should turn my back on the rare chance. How many people in this world would be given a moment like this?
This is an action film. Yes, ACTION. I would be fighting (something which I always want to do) and doing a lot of BOOMZ stuns, hence, this is some thing that you might want to catch.
Plus, I am making my website the official behind-the-scenes and updates of the shooting.
So, it's kind of like "follow-me" through the whole process of the production.
SUSPENSE, SUSPENSE, SUSPENSE!!!
But baby, where they knock you down and out
Is where you're oughta stay