Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating
This Is Me
Me. Magical. Min. Maniac. Monster. Monetary.
"Never let anything known for anyone to stab you in."
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Sunday, March 20, 2011
Tell me that shit again and I might just hurl!
Life was going on perfect for me. A sweet note of true care and concern. That tint of love that makes everything worthwhile and those fairytale stuffs follow suit.
Tapping and waltzing down a busy street showering compliments to random people for their dare-to-bare style or their boho-mix-chic clothings, attention-seeking accessories, anything and everything! The song in my heart was drumming to the pulsation of my springing footsteps and the stiletto heels clacked, in a rhythm, to the pace of my imprints. I was bursting with delight, sunshine and indescribable joy.
Reaching into my bag, I dialed a series of number. The number that I remembered since the day she keyed it into my first mobile phone, Nokia 8210 in dark blue.
She is my best friend. Well, I still regard her as one, even if she doesn't.
My best friend. Sweet memories. I remembered every detail, from our first conversation to our first kiss. Don't get us wrong - it was a "hi" kiss. Not "love" kiss.
My memory is really lousy now. I had scribbled, drawn and sketched everything that I could remember of us. I am THAT bloody afraid of losing it.
Damn, it is so not me to feel all emotional and mushy. But I have to pen it down, in fear that I would be diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease the next day.
I always knew who she was, even though I am not sure if she even knew of my existence, as she was the school's belle. ALL the guys in my class would swoon about her. I remember hearing her collapse in an assembly before. My~ That was a loud fall. That was after I got her number. So anyway, I better get my love story started before I drift off to something miles apart again.
This guy in my class liked her and I was the typical tomboy. Tomboy in Primary school, tomboy in Secondary too! *Can't help but to drop the funny pun* Tomboys are always a hot favorite. I was smooth with guys, speaking their lingo and sharing their woes. On the other hand, I had girl friends confiding in me too! It was pretty easy life for me - being adaptive. So I was passed the "honors" to complete the mission.
One fine day, I waited for her, sitting on the wooden table, swinging my legs in an attempt to appear casual. The bench was situated just outside the temporary gym and those who was in track-and-field would stack their bags there as they change into their training uniforms. She was in cross-country, hence, the probability of bumping into her is high.
Me: Hey, V. Can I have your number? *Passing her my Nokia 8210*
V: Here. *Passing me my phone*
From that day, we messaged almost everyday. One classic message which I remembered was when I seek her permission to disclose her number to a secret admirer.
Me: HM wants your number. Can I give him?
V: Don't want. Don't show him what we are messaging.
It was something like that. I was captivated to her tease. Exchange of texts during lessons was fun. The thrill of getting away with something.
I was late for school one day and instead of heading to the assembly area (whereby counselors would note down names of those late-comers, gather a small group of students and make them sing the National Anthem for missing the flag raising), I climbed the fence where the side gate was and waited for my class' monitor to arrive. We have classrooms with locks, as some students (like me) would put their textbooks and files in a small space under the desk. Some students (me again!) like to go as early as 6 a.m. in the morning and put the bags in class so that they need not carry anything to assembly. Poor monitors have to be there as early as they could to open the doors as they are the only ones who holds the key.
Anyway, I lie down at one of the plastic benches outside my classroom while waiting for them and V walks over, with S. Cheery as usual, she said, "Hi" to me and planted a kiss on my lips. Well, it was meant for my cheeks but I turned my face at the wrong time and the rest is history. Sad to admit, it was my virgin kiss. =D
Half the time in school, I was noticing her. How she is so friendly towards everyone. But there is something about the way she walked. She swings too much and thus, often mistaken to be someone haughty.
Recollecting, she was a hardworking girl. Together with S, they managed to top the Normal Academic Stream and advanced to Express. That, my dear, is SOMETHING!
Then we got placed into the same class in Secondary 3. She was studious. She really worked hard and deserves the scores on the papers. I had a boyfriend. I neglected her as after school, I would disappear with him. She was often left alone. I was too "in love" to see then.
When we graduated, she went to Singapore Polytechnic, Banking and Finance. I carried on with my dream to pursue medicine and enrolled in Ngee Ann Polytechnic, Health Sciences. I was going through a bad patch with my family and moved out. She was by the door, welcoming me with open arms. The nights sleeping together with her were torturous. She would fidget and kick around, toss and turn before sleeping. That period of time is definitely the sweetest.. I would give up everything to go through that torture again.
Her family was really nice and I treated them like my own. But somehow, I begun to feel like I am a burden, hindering them. Hence, I looked up the papers for a place and moved out after a month. I felt bad, because it was like I am taking them for granted. What's more, they refused to collect rental fees from me. I don't want V and her family to think that their house is a "hotel". I still feel very much in-debt to them as they were there at my life's lowest point.
Out of the million crazy deeds we shared, I loved this, exceptionally. I proposed to her in Lee Hwa's Jewelery, Clementi. I am serious about getting her as my wife. I still regard her as one, as a matter of fact. The salesman probably thought I'm some nutty school girl. We painted the town red! But the greed for fortune got better of me and I lost my emotions.
Her words still stings like nettle, "I want you to tell me (my secrets) yourself and not hear from others. I am suppose to be your best friend." At that time, I thought, "Well, since she have the very EXCLUSIVE right to read my diary, she should know all my secrets." Parroting words or phrases is something I hated, therefore, I'd just avoid the fuss.
When I moved out, we drifted even further. I still kept that ring. I love the way it feels so perfect around my ring finger. I love the way it fits like a glove. I do regret, had repent but it was all too late.. I lost her.
Her already-very-thin string of hope snapped when I missed her farewell dinner. That's the greatest regret in my life. I could have, should have been there. But I instructed the cab to go the very opposite. Why, why did I do that? I took her for granted, thinking that she would meet me the next day or something. But she didn't. The next thing I knew, she's off.
She moved on very well, judging from her Facebook pictures and hearsay from mutual friends, without me. I wished that I could lie to myself and pretend that I don't feel anything but little pangs of heartaches would just poke my heart at night. I do wished that I was the one she shared her joy with. I do fantasize spending evenings with her again, lying down at the playground and talk our souls out.
I don't believe this. How come I couldn't see all these before. I am such a self-centered bitch who doesn't deserve the friendship. She was there for me all the time, as and when I needed, but was I there when she need me? I don't even know when she needed me! All I cared was money, riches and fortune.
Now I am sitting here in my empty room, trying to retrieve the photos of us in knee-high socks and uniform with the back classroom door as the setting. The memory card doesn't work anymore. I am practically left with nothing but just memories. Tears welling in my eyes aren't helping. My left ring finger. There sits a tiny silver ring. The ring that was placed onto by her.
She was, and will be an irreplaceable love of my life. She had imprinted my heart and my pumping heart, has a chamber for her. It's just hers, no one else. I am never changing my number - as she doesn't take the effort to memorize digits but she bore mine in her heart. What a letdown I am, fuck! I wish I could just die right now.
What's with all these emotional thoughts and all? Why is my nose getting clogged with mucus and slime? Damn, why did I go and send her a message on Facebook? Now she's going to think I am stalking her and shun far from me.
I know she won't read my blog, hence I am safe. She is an iron lady. Once you're out of her life, you're out. She totally just drops you like a hot potato, ignoring news or gossips on you. I got strike-out. She would never be interested in me or what's going on for me. I am safe...
But deep down inside, I wished I'm not. It's all too late. You can't un-spill the milk, unless you are David Copperfield. Hell, why didn't I take up magician trickeries?
P/S: V and my mom had chose the same hospital to deliver. We both have the same "Health Booklet" and it was, indeed, very rare that one would select that hospital. Thomson Medical Center. That is, naturally, my choice in the future too.
P/P/S: V, you are still as precious to me. Given any time of the day, I would do anything for you without hesitation. I know I sound lesbian-y and cheesy, sending goosebumps and chills down your spine (mine too!) but, fuck it. I just have to let the world know, "I love you! Please take your revenge on me and get me to beck at your call. I'd be more than glad to do it." Because, you are the one that matters to me. Without you, I wouldn't have known love, life and the difference in plastic and flesh.
But baby, where they knock you down and out
Is where you're oughta stay