Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating
This Is Me
Me. Magical. Min. Maniac. Monster. Monetary.
"Never let anything known for anyone to stab you in."
FORGIVE BUT NEVER FORGET!
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Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Jekyll and Hyde
Jekyll and Hyde. Whoever still hear of this classic story? Sigh, kids nowadays are all into electronic stuffs and most forget the good old past time - reading. Is that book by Charles Dickens? No, I think Charles Dickens wrote "Oliver Twist" and "Great Expectations". Oh, and, "A Christmas Carol"..... or called, "Nightmare Before Christmas"..... I forgot! But, oh well! Doesn't matter anyway.
My blog is, perpetually, depressive! Damn. I do self-reflection on life every now and then to keep my objectives and goals in sight, okay! I totally don't look like the type who would be nice, but I AM. But that's none of your business too. Cranky huh, the way I sound. I think age is catching up, faster than ever, on me.
TWENTY ONE YEARS OLD IS SUPPOSE TO BE A WOMAN'S PRIME AGE - WHEN SHE GOES ON DATES, CLUBS TILL THE SKY'S LIGHT, GET WASTED AND not sitting down with piles of notes to read and feeling contented with life.
WHERE IS MY LIFE?!?! I used to find thrill in shopping till I drop flat dead (or bare-footed, if my feet were lucky) and give them all away. I know it's funny but I love to see people smile.
You probably had conjure a picture of my public persona from the depressive, angry posts that I wrote. Touching my heart and being perfectly honest, I asked myself this... Why am I here.
I had too much of a logical mind. My logical mind, which I used to protect all my love ones, ended up hurting them. Why?! Am I a devil or am I a saint? A part of me want people to get away from me so that they would not be disappointed (I am a huge disappointment - I suppose) in me. A part of me wants them to be AWAY so that I can, selfishly, ease the karma that's coming to me.
I find joy in helping people. But is my help geniuely out of goodwill? Or do I have an agenda? I'm torn between selfless and selfish. Lying to myself that I am a saint? Or escaping the reality of that I'm a fragile piece of meat? What is the real me like?
One moment, I love chocolates. I could gorge myself to death with them and the next minute, I detest the innocent cocoa.
My life is like just a computated routine. Wake up, do whatever stuff I have to do to keep myself busy and EAT CEREALS (God! I can't emphasize enough how much I love those "Post Select Great Grains" cereal! Try all the flavours! *I AM SUPER HYPER AT THE THOUGHT OF IT NOW, THOUGH IT IS LIKE 2.30 IN THE MORNING*) and then sleep.
It's going like a merry-go-round in my head now. If you were here, you'll see a sour face, one eyebrow raised (yes, I can do the "THE ROCK" - the wrestler - look), and eyeballs flipped white and staring into space. I mean, I don't want to be all "emo" (I hate those act "emo" people and I seriously have a thing with them) but I am being one! Damn! I know there's got to be more to life than this! There's got to be more to everything I thought exist. But, everyday the same old routine, only one goal in mind, is leeching the life out of me!
To provide a comfortable place for Baby. To save up enough to buy a house where I can HOUSE HER OFFICIALLY and MAKE HER MINE (and MINE ALONE!). She is my responsibility since the day she looked at me in the eye and plead me to get her out of the shop owner's cage. She is all I've got and all I ever wanted. All I want is to escape into somewhere where I could let her run free, bully me like hell, scratch me, chew my clothes when I am changing, let her sleep on my bed with me, wait by the door for me to be home.... I want to provide the best for her. She deserves nothing but the best treatment, pamper and love.
I don't care if I am allergic to dogs' fur or what. I don't mind inhaling tons of fur and make my lungs inflate and suffocate because of the fur. I don't even care if I starve to death, as long as I can take her out AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!
I don't want anything in my life. I only asked for one thing. To have Baby by my side. My life is incomplete without that mutt. Without that fur ball, I would probably crumpled to nothing, die and rot away or something.
But it seems like I am doing more harm than good. My intention was to save a puppy from the "potential" evil treatments, but, knowing I can't provide her her basic needs, I went ahead. Reckless? Impulse? Well, half (or entire) my life's decisions are act of impulsion. Impulse and like a freshly lit matchstick, I burst out with enthusiasm and sizzle to ashes in split seconds (What's your record? The longest I had kept a match lit was 2 seconds) and then it'll be back to square one - emptiness and the hunger for more interesting challenges (like different facaulties or fields of expertise) and, again, "once aquired, boredom kicks in and I'll be done with it".
But loyal as my Baby, I stick through - thick and thin - over the mountains and under the seas - all obstacles for those that I feel in-debt to. My loyalty is stronger than the roots of a thousand-year-old tree and intertwined with my stubborness and refusal to budge when it comes to making changes in my life, I am a trusted friend and a faithful companion.
I was in a dilemma when I wrote the post, but now I had ironed out all my thoughts, I think, it doesn't matter whether I am a devil or an angel. All I need to know is that I love Baby and I want to give Baby the life that she would loved to have - the best of the best.
That's all I NEED to know.
Now that I got my goal/objective/aim back in life, I can turn in and retire for the night....
zzzZZzzzzzzzzzz LOVES zzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz
But baby, where they knock you down and out
Is where you're oughta stay