Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating
This Is Me
Me. Magical. Min. Maniac. Monster. Monetary.
"Never let anything known for anyone to stab you in."
FORGIVE BUT NEVER FORGET!
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Monday, December 24, 2012
Yesterday night, 23rd December 2012, I hosted, organized and attended my FIRST Christmas Party with the movie crew at Festive Hotel Suite, Sentosa, Room Number 826.
It's such a joyous day that I gave all my presents away to those lucky winners of the last minute Scissors-Paper-Stone Lucky Draw Contest. Guess I'm pretty good at coming up with last minute ideas and funny junks to entertain the guests.
But it's also a sad thing as the Malaysian Crew will be dispersing. When Harvaraj, the Director, said his thanksgiving speech before we dig into the piles of pizza waiting for us, all I wanted to do was to hide in a corner and cry. I couldn't bear the fact that the short 33 days that we worked together, after establishing mutual understanding, quarrels, endless discussions and rehearsals, everyone is just going on their different ways.
The brotherhood (even though I was called, "Princess", I always see myself as a guy. Squatting, eating chips off hands and talking endlessly, etcetera) had itself intertwined and spun a pretty solid foundation.
I seldom flare in anger. Worst case scenario, I keep real quiet and with a thousand walts irritated look on my face. But on set one day, I lost it (Bipolar, I really blame you and I hate you this year for making my life a roller coaster. You hike and drop at the wrong times!!!) and got irritated. Was chided by Fikri. He was saying that everyone's as tired too and want to go home. I felt so bad and I was too haughty at that time to walk up and confront my mistake. Surprisingly, that same night, after 4 hours, I talked to Raj and he thought it was part of acting and said that after I flared, it was a good take! Blessing in disguise!!
Yesterday, while everyone is inside the room, I hung out with the crew as usual. I have no idea why but I love chatting up quiet people. It gives me a sense of satisfaction that I can get them to be really talkative and open minded, flirt with me or play with me (we had a silat Scissors-Paper-Stone game okay!!!! More about Scissors-Paper-Stone later!). It sort of puts me in a mighty position when introverts change their personality and actually opens up to me. Like I did a difference in their life. Like I changed them. I guess this is a selfish reason. But I made a lot of friends this way. Gays, quiet and shy boys made up majority of my friends personalities. Oh. Back to the topic. I am so into yesterday that I have to account every single detail in case I grow old and forgets them. Yesterday is a very special day.
Back to sitting in the cold, no stars, not romantic balcony. We chatted, talked about a childhood that I had not told anyone since my journal in Secondary school was torn by me. I always thought my world was dark. Bright, shining and optimistic outside, cold, lonely and boring inside. It's not that I cannot face up to my past or myself but I don't want people to probe so much. I had very good skills of letting go. But letting go doesn't really mean leaving behind the past. For me, it's missing it secretly and once in a while write something sunshiny while being in tears all the while. Very much like now. My tears couldn't stop welling in my eye. I want to be the youngest (get lost, Kai. You're holding my throne!!! Hahaha) and the pampered one while being protected by all of them. The feeling of protection. It was the feeling I had at the balcony that made it so memorable. As one by one, they told me their darkest secret or funniest moments in their growing stages, I learnt alot. I would love to blog them here but there's private ones. So I guess I better have to have healthy brain cells or amnesia would take them away.
Zaki have 13 siblings, including himself and his mom is still a very slim woman!!!! Why?!?!?! I have no kids and I look like an Orang Utan, all thanks to stupid swimming I had decided to do. Why does my body works like a man?!?! Too much of external influence?!?! Oh shit. And not to mention that I can only run consistently for 1.2km (I ran to measure the maximum distance specially(!) before checking in the hotel) and the running club I attended, girls easily hit a distance of 5km and the guys double!!! :( tell me about unfitness. Fik and me were often bullied by siblings. He's physically (because he is so small sized and thin! And due to that, he started to take protein powder on the last second day of our filming) and mine emotionally. Now I see why my exterior personality is so different from who I am. I guess all these does have an impact on a person's life. I always deny but this is my yet-another most honest blog post. I have alot to lose.... But hell, I'll post it anyway.
I keep steering away from the topic, I have no idea why. People stopped putting emotions like love, genuine care and the adult world gets very much build on materialistic stuffs. I guess this is a believe I stood by even till now. Build genuine friendship. Be there because people need you. Not because they have something to give. I guess this is why I am mostly the one living in tears and hoping that my life would be more different. Hoping that my life isn't as cold and lonely. It's a vicious cycle. Friendship don't seem to have fate with me. Or perhaps my body language, attitude or the way I shun some things.
At the party, Julius introduced this game called "Polar Bear". Or was it "Panda"? I can't remember. Just one of the series of cousins in the Bear family. I caught the first Panda and awarded myself the most vigilant and observant player. Throughout the game, I was constantly picked on by Julius! Hahaha. But that creep was so nice that I could help but want to nuzzle him up. Hehehe. The game was tough for me to choose Singaporeans as suspect. All great actors and have mind for psychology. So I randomly picked the nice guy to bully - Fikri!!! And I win. I WIN! I WIN! I WIN!!!!
Oh!!! And guess what?!?! The star of my Blog, Allan came down to the party too!!! What a shame! I could have him to sent me home but I stayed with the crew till dawn when they have to go back because Zaki's bus (leaving back to his village) comes at 10am.
Muhammed Fikri Bin Md Norodin (the only one whom I know the full name and speaks the most fluent English), Zaki, Zaini (the most chit chatty) and Bardroll (my most sayanged guy) - Malaysian Crew for my first movie - Justice Devil.
Harvaraj the director, you are the most important person there!!!! Thanks for the food and drinks expenses!!!
I do hope this opens a door to new ventures in my career life.
Danny Teo, thanks for being a sweetie and coming down just because it's my first time organizing a party and wants it to be successful. Michael Chua and Samantha, both of you look like a cute pair!!! Any chance of getting hit? Hehe. Daniel Chen, Fortetime's boss, wish that your business prosper and I'm a hot dancer!!! Julius Eddy, I BET YOU WERE FEEL MY SHINE WHEN MY LAP DANCE WON ALL SHY EXPRESSIONS FROM 4 DIFFERENT PEOPLE YOU ASKED MY TO DANCE FOR!!! Rio, my boyfriend for the night, thanks for offering to drop everyone off and staying till the very last minute of the party. You were a great companion and driver too! Plus, I'm still trying to train myself to WALK as fast as you. Ratio me is to you is 1 : 2.5 steps. Hahaha. Your joints sure can move!!!
Christopher Stephen White Kai Wen, Tony Lim and Ernest, you three missed out big time!!!!!!!!
I'm still drunk. After so much crap right? A bit fake hor. Time to wash up. Yawnnnnnn.
My life is more than complete. I am living the Hollywood dreams. This is my life. I am the Star. And I am shining bright till the last breath.
p.s: In order to look like I've never aged or to even be pretty and flawless after 30, I think I need plastic surgery. Sponsors anyone?
p.p.s: While writing, I reflected on my life attitude. Too weak to be a winner. That's not Xiaxue nor other successful people's attitude towards life. I think I'm having misconceptions for the world. Got to reorganize my thoughts and do a 10,000 word blog essay sharing it. Thoughts of a successful person.
Xoxo. Drink more xo.
But baby, where they knock you down and out
Is where you're oughta stay