Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating
This Is Me
Me. Magical. Min. Maniac. Monster. Monetary.
"Never let anything known for anyone to stab you in."
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Thursday, March 28, 2013
Just For Laughs
"Hey Dude, you want to talk about planning and all? I was being lectured like an idiot for my failure to plan.Well, they always say that people don't plan to fail, but they fail to plan.
So, I just took my marker and took a sheet of paper (they call the large white sheet of A3, A2? I don't know 'A' what la) which is popularly known as "Majong Paper". Plan my life. Instead of doing a proper job, I got so distracted and was guilty of being mischievousness I just want to use the array of color pens that I have till their ink finishes so that I can keep the outer casing for display - pretty much like a rainbow. Should it be in mind-map or organized in step-by-step structural form or in a pyramid style? These were the thoughts going through my mind and, now that I am reflecting on my actions today, I noticed how easily distracted I can be. Like now. We went out and drifted more than far from the topic of "Planning".
Planning. Proper planning should be done. WHY DOES GOD GOES AGAINST HIS PEOPLE'S WISHES?!?!?!
I thought I had it all figured out, I did. I know I am tough to stick it out with it. And more than capable of doing two things at once (I'm a well-known multi-tasker). I brag about myself here a lot because potential employers always slam shut my chance whenever they hear that I have Bipolar. Fuck that shit. My life had me on my knees and cuffs. Which is a good enough reason for me to pack my stuff and leave the world. After all, I had insurances and fixed deposit bank accounts willed to every member of my family and a very special best-est best friend in my life. I still can handle all these shit myself as it's just all about me. When I fell, I had no friends. No, no, no. No hommies that would hang out with me, no buddies and all. None. Zero. Fat letter O. I am flying too fast. Advancing at such a speed that nobody can stop me.I'm way beyond the lines. Too keen a learner. Too wanna-be independent. Too much of a perfectionist.
I don't blame the world. I blamed myself! Took the whole damn bloody world on my shoulders. Shit! This post started out funny and I'm starting to act weird. It's like another episode of "bipolar" thatt brings me into a ga-ga-goo-goo.
I thought I had found the most ideal job for me yesterday. But I guess my current employer couldn't bring herself to keep the secret to herself and misjudged me. My ideal job has long working hours, no breaks in between, and an area of things yet to learn. Working hours were from 9am to 6pm. Perfect job that suits my criteria. The current one was one with shifts, only a part timer. The pay was reasonable, at eight dollars per hour. But they have breaks in between their working hours. The place is opened at 8.30am to 12.30pm, 2.30pm to 5.30pm and 7pm to 9pm. As an efficient worker who likes to prepare before hand, I would make sure my tasks are done in perfection and I am always quick in actions. So, normally during breaks, I would nap. But upon waking up, I tend to get a little "out-of-touch" with the world until I have my first coffee. That's why my employers are complaining that I couldn't focus properly. I lost the opportunity to start afresh somewhere else all due to that fucking bipolar which I was wrongly diagnosed for and that I am not hearing voices in my head nor do I have suicidal thoughts. Speaking of which, I am supposed to joke about planning how to suicide (teaching dangerous and potential "copy and paste" plans on how to die - HIGHLY CLASSIFIED AS DANGER FOR THOSE DEPRESSIVE KIDS OUT THERE).
On the other hand, I am a realist person. I understand and live by the rule that "Money makes the world goes round". All I want is a chance to start anew. Start anew somewhere, somehow. WHY DOES THESE PEOPLE FUCKING JUDGE BIPOLAR AND REJECTS THEM LIKE THEY ARE SARS VIRUS (yes, we are talking about the ability to kill here) AND TREATS US LIKE WE ARE DEADLY?!?!?! Medicine in Singapore don't come cheap. Go to government hospital is expensive as well.
Fuck it. Hell yea, you can't blame Singapore for being very good at complaining. Complain, complain, complain all day long. So much so that even aunties' English improved drastically. Imagine how many letters those aunties have written just to get someone to see the problem and solve it. Those people reading complain letters simply can't be bothered. This is what I feel ashamed of FOR SINGAPOREANS is that your service standards suck to the fucking core. Haughty Singaporeans! A penny, for me, must be spent - worthwhile or nothing else. Having to expect these simple standards from others, I must first be the one who shows. If not, all my words would be weightless preaching that aren't worth listening to. Everybody should have the drive and motivation to not give up and give nothing but the best quality you can ever serve. Ever serve have to be better than the previous. With more experience, one tends to SHINE out from the rest. This attitude should be in every human being's head. Well, fuck my lecturer for saying that there is no "two common senses" out there. Put it this way, NO BLOODY PERSON HAVE THE SAME COMMON SENSE. Tons of misinterpretations, tons of misjudgments and everything.
Okay. This is my speech at all interviews.
Hi, I am an extremely fast learner, keen and tend to be proactive in the process of learning. I only expect perfection from myself. Of course, that's only my standards. What matters is that the boss must be satisfied, if not extremely happy with my result or what I delivers. Talk is cheap and actions prove it all. Give me a chance and let me show it to you. I am being known for "under-promise, over-deliver". I like satisfaction on the receivers' end. I practically live off compliments. Money is not an issue to me. What's more is that I can adapt to changes immediately. I know when to shut up and when to ask.By now, I would have raised eyebrows questioning my agenda for working. Silly you, it's keep my brain from aging. I want it to think and function properly. To keep an active brain if not, I'm better off dead. My whole life is about pleasing people that I like. If I liked you, I'd do anything for you. That's how I am. I love to please people. I am submissive. Weak, even. But it brings about satisfaction of knowing my service standards are up to people's expectations. This is how crazy I have became.
I love my job scope so much that I dare not to disclose it here. Afraid that this fucking blog would ruin E-V-E-R-Y future that I have in the same line. I want to be constantly updated and aware of the latest research. I love my job so much but WHY ISN'T PEOPLE OUT THERE GIVING ME A CHANCE? ALL DUE TO THAT FUCKING BIPOLAR WHICH WAS WRONGLY DIAGNOSED?!?! AND FOR THE FACT THAT I AM STILL A GOOD GIRL, ACCOMMODATING TO THE RULES AND EATING MY MEDICATIONS REGULARLY, THERE SHOULDN'T BE ANY PROBLEM RIGHT? SHOULDN'T IT? But why? Why is society driving me to death? I can feel so much rage in me now that I swear that I could fuel the energy for the whole army of protesters. Do you want to see a useless me? Someone who doesn't think and do things? I could always do a career switch! Fuck it, bitch. I am a Gemini. I adapt to changes immediately. Singapore is a fast moving country whereby changes are drastic within a short span of five years. That is no big deal for me. I can keep it up anyways. These are just little things that we Singaporeans are blessed with. We are trained by the environment that changes happen really fast and before you know it, wham-bam and it's over. Grab that twig or not, it's dependent on yourself. All for one self. Says who not.\
WHY AREN'T I LANDING MYSELF A JOB. I NEED ONE. I DON'T WANT TO TOUCH MY SAVINGS IN CASE IF I WERE TO DIE.AT LEAST I DIDN'T LIVE FOR NOTHING. I LIVED AND SAVED JUST ABOUT TWENTY FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS TO EACH AND EVERY SINGLE MEMBER OF MY FAMILY AND IF I AM GONE, AT LEAST THEY CAN BUY TISSUES FOR `A WHOLE LIFE TIME.
Cost of living in Singapore is going way too high for people like me. Educated or not, you are somehow stuck in the shit or having the after effects of a hell of a hit of a receipt. I mean, come on. We all learn in Marketing class that thermometers are cheap. But the disposable covers that comes with it aren't. Same thing here. Product comes cheap. But the maintenance bills are out of the world shocking high, along with the gadgets that comes with it. Well, brother, you have no choice because you bought that product and you make even more loss if you were to switch brands. So might as well pay for the maintenance cost instead, right? Wrong mindset of these people. That's how companies earn their income. It's always the up-keeping that is costly, never the product itself. This analogy could also be used on babies. Babies come in this world and the process is free. But in order to deliver a baby, one must pay. We haven't even come to his or her diapers and milk powder money yet! That's how freaking high the standards of living in Singapore is.
AND I AM SURVIVING ON A MERGE PAY OF HUNDRED PLUS PER MONTH? Somebody just shoot me, right? Now that I've typed out all my fueled-frustrations I can rest in peace. Just want people to give me that chance to prove. Don't just slam the door on me just like that. I am fragile and innocent. So please, society please? Don't force me to do a career switch. I don't want to be some old boring administrative staff out there. I want endless learning. I want to be busy. I hate to relax. Every minute in my life, as long as I am awake, I want to earn money. Opportunity costs. Every day without making money? You might as well drive me to death! I know I am diagnosed with "Obsession". But healthy obsession is okay! I mean I just don't want myself to be so outdated with all the news and everything. I DON'T EVEN KNOW THAT YOU CAN MAKE MONEY OUT OF SERVICE. Service charge. If I were to grade myself, I'd confidently say that priceless-ly high due to perfection of myself. I used to think that it is unfair that I charge people for what I do. But who knows the saying, "Do what you love or love what you do" tells me all. Meaning that a favor is a favor. In the real world, no favors are free anymore. It's not like last time when favor means, "Okay la, since I'm free and have the ability to do it, then do la".
For me, I treat every single favor like a task. A mission for me to complete and to hand in nothing but only the finest and the best-in-the-world answer or reply. I call it satisfaction. It makes me joyful. I mean, to see satisfied answers or the least, acknowledge my effort put in already makes me happy. Come to think of it.... Very, very much of a attention seeker. I may not know but I am desperate to tell people that I gave it all I could to do some task that's being handed. I am not "slob-by" and in fact, the very opposite I am a perfectionist. May it be paid or not, I like to leave people with satisfaction on their faces. And I am imagining myself, as a ghost, if I am dead, would my parents and siblings be contented with the little amount I can cough out with (I have to go down on my knees to get a proper job. Shitty pay and all but no complains, gritted my teeth and pull through). Sometimes I think I need recognition for all the effort that I have put in. I scare myself to death by working so hard. But work is the only reason why I am here. I can survive on plain rice with chili everyday. But one day I would have to get a house of my own. I feel ashamed when I have to rely on my Mom for medication bills that are close to a thousand per month, my motherfucking god! I feel useless like I am nothing but a burden. I try not to listen to my thoughts and let it controls me. But I cannot deny the fact that I am that bloody useless. At this age and not able to afford an apartment? OUTRAGES USELESS FUCK I AM.
Nobody pressures themselves like that, don't they? I love my nature of "self-abuse" of some sort, like a fucking pervert who couldn't stop adding stress to myself so that I can improve further and further.
Damn it. I spent like a total 9 hours typing this out. I thought I had it mapped out but guess I didn't *oops*. These fucking black clouds just hover me around even when I had exorcised all demons that stands in my way.
I have to end my rant here. End my rant. Get it? Hee hee. Good night and sleep tight.... Wahahahhahahah *in an old creepy low tone voice in whispers* and don't let the bed bugs bite.
I ALWAYS LOVE A TOUCH OF MYSTERIOUS ENDING LIKE THIS! AND NOW I'M BEING A NARRATOR AND VOICING OUT LOUD THAT I HAVE AN ADRENALINE RUSH ALL OF A SUDDEN BECAUSE I STRETCHED MY BACK AND WIDE AWAKE I FEEL.Hee hee. Got to rely on sleeping pills again. TEE HEE. FUCK IT. I'M SMILING WITH MY TEETH WIDE OPEN AND LISTENING TO THE FRESH MORNING, FIRST TRAIN AT 5.30 THAT LEAVES JURONG EAST INTERCHANGE MRT STATION SHARP!
You know huh, when I was younger, I used to be afraid of the dark and ghosts. So much so that I would open my eyes really wide and make sure that my room is designed in a way that there is not a single hiding place (I've come to realize that I have fantastic parents! Damn it man. Mom and Dad, I love you and I love you to my bloody hell! I'll tell that to you everyday as I could!) in sight. My back must be touching the wall for comfort and at that time, it was my first time having a room of my own. Normal people are delighted to have their own private space but not me. I feel like a Malay. Forever in groups and always need comfort and pampering (Mind you, in case you says that I am cute enough to cuddle, some other hurtful reality is that I have a mature face and an independent looking body with assets that girls would die for didn't help me much). So I had a queen-sized comforter that keeps me warm and safe. Psychologists would now pass me off as a little girl in need of love, warmth and comfort. But I got to be strong. I am the big sister. Someone to show an example to. I remember not shedding a single tear when I fell down the escalator in front of my younger sister when we were being treated ice cream to by my youngest "kim kim". I felt that immense sense of responsibility when we were running up the down escalator and I was carrying a baby and subconsciously while chasing the girls, I landed mysel into an opposite escalator too. That was when I fell. The edge of the steps went right through my knees. Blood was pounding out of that vein in high speed. Dripping everywhere, the blood is. But I couldn't feel the pain. Maybe that was my first encounter of what a real "shock" can do. Which is your brain numbing you from feeling anything, letting you think rationally and logically. Shock happens to me a lot of times. Various reasons like responsibilities, seeing myself as an example for the younger generations, seeing me as someone to mimic. It just all comes down to responsibilities. For hell I can don't care about the people reading my blog but the usage of the word "fuck" itself had me stuck, pondering on whether or not to use it because it is a bad example to kids or youngsters! Now, I don't want to be blamed for making your child's English bad but I am no Xiaxue, who prefers to let it all out. I am more of a Dawn Yang dainty. Only good standard English allowed. But people prefers the QUEEN OF ALL BLOGS *tada!!!!* IT'S XIAXUE. Think people have enough at work, dealing with people who speaks perfect English and shit that they want to relax and curse and swear along with her, as it is her wicked sense of humor. She's terribly funny and I love to drop by her blog every now and then.
Then I secretly compare myself to her. Her hits per day and my hits per day. Mine, too ashamed to show it out. Hers, proud and loud she can show. :( *Drops head and hide away in a corner while trying to come up with more devious plans on how to achieve what she had achieved.)
And now, as I said earlier, I want to sleep. Till now, 7.11am (just nice seven eleven~~~~it's a store and more - tune as McDonalds) I am still wide awake. I got to sleep now. More and more interesting stories to tell. I think my blog is more like a diary which I read only for the sake of correcting my English than a place to advertise anything.
So, yup! Pretty much went all the way out of point again and again. It have went all way out from an intentional joke on suicidal plans to serious topic of my character.
Speaking of which, I broke my own words again by having to continue what I am doing - obviously it is blogging.
One: Don't slash your wrist. You will never die from it. Not even when you amputate your arms. The arteries (they are major blood vessels that carries oxygenated blood into your body) would curl themselves up to prevent further blood loss. Unless you have an unusual case of blood thinning (this is rare though - in a humid place like Singapore with factors like fast moving cities and heavy work load... people cannot find the time to drink water) and your blood cannot clot, that's when you will bleed to death. So need not buy penknives to look cool (ah bengs out there like to think that Singapore very pai-kia one. Must have weapon to look cool. Teenage girls out there thinks that slashing one's own wrist is cool. A way to spread the "I'm-suicidal" mindset so ends up every student carries a penknife with them. They'd probably no pens but whenever you need a penknife, all you have to do is ask any one in school uniforms and you'll get what you asked for.)
In case plan one fails, start plan two: Classic charcoal, a confined area (don't forget to use old rugs to stuff the doors) and barbecue tray. Oxygen consumed by an average adult in area of an average lift size can last him a day. So, by the calculations of that Singapore's air oxygen takes up only 19.5 percent and one is using at the bloody rate of 21 percent oxygen and exhales 16 percent back into environment (you do the math) and it will take you about a bloody 7-8 hours before you faint and die due to carbon monoxide poisoning. But before you die, you will feel heaty and perhaps break out into heat rash (poor thing then. Immense itch plus pain) and have too suffer the stuffiness before you faint. That can be helped by using sleeping pills. But who's going to tend to the charcoals and keep them burning? You don't want your family to clean up after you, don't you. If you want to leave this world then leave it neatly, in my style, with no hassle to anyone. A neat and tidy death, blessed with the finest fact that no clean up have to be done. I can fantasize myself dying beautifully and my skin pure white and perfect. A perfect face for the mortuary cosmetology to paint on. I don't want to scare people away but I am aware of the fact that I am going to be stiff to the neck and cold and pale. Blood vessels no longer works..... Fucking tempts me to drain my life away. But FUCK IT. I got to try harder. That's why la. Die from carbon monoxide is the best. Pretty and neat. No mess except for ashes to clear. Which ends up creating more dust into the environment and asthma attacks would happen to the neighborhood kid or who-so-ever and get themselves killed! Fuck man! Then you are indirectly a murderer ghost that incidentally cause a death. So rule this out.
The sucky-est thing in life is that you are too fucking a bloody coward to jump from Marina Bay Sands and have to drive your own motivation so that you don't become a burden to your kins. Want and have the heart to end my life and all I end up picturing is hearing is toddlers rushing to me, bumping into my legs and very much like a "kindergarden" advertisement whereby kids surrounds you and you sort of sway to and fro in a gentle manner, thinking that a lot of babies didn't even get the chance to be born. A lot of murder cases had the victims calling to that they want to live. So, instead of throwing mine away, I learn to cherish it. *Steps down cowardly and hunches away despite my tall build that stands out in the crowd* Fuck my life for being an overly matured adult that completed her life by the age of 23. Only waiting for me, myself to save enough to beg IT Guy for his smarty-pants sperms and via injections, I can get myself pregnant. Which I wanted to do it but my Mom told me off and went crazy about it, upon my serious look and all. It was hilarious.
Ah, fuck this shit. I got to get some sleep but I am going to watch XINMSN'S CATCH UP TVs. Signing off at the early hour of 8.42am!
GooooooooooooD MORNING SINGAPORE!
The famous "Mari Kita" at 6am every morning on which ever Singapore television channel that you turn to has played it's piece. I've written too far from the suicidal plans and I could always just scroll up and write more pointers but nope. I am not going to give any ideas in you guys mind. Just in case I am accountable for a life!
I got plenty of funny and quirky twists to every of my suicidal plans, of which, most ends up with cowardice acts and the facts that after death, the clean up is going to hinder others and so on... Maybe to hold the funeral, my money may not be enough! Fuck! I forgot cleanly about this factor. Okay.... Daddy's account must add in additional twenty thousand bucks to cover for funeral. Shall work towards it. Meanwhile, I am calling up places looking for jobs all from the start again...
Can you wish me luck, although I had folded a Tupperware-full (about A5 paper size and height of a palm) of paper stars (I know how to do them in straws too and I even manage to figured out, faster than my Mom, how to sieve strings into lettered friendship bands okay!). I think lucky stars are not as lucky as they are, right? I mean from a slice of paper point of view, it's funny and ironic that I just wrinkled myself to make the master happy and transformed from 2D to 3D lucky star or heart. Tee hee. How cute can I be?
Anyway, I took my medicine but no effects of drowiness! How come? Today my medication is not effective. Lol.
BYE BUY. HEE HEE. RHYMING WORDS. IN CASE YOU DIDN'T NOTICE.
GOT TO STOP GIVING MYSELF EXCUSES TO BE IN A PLACE WHERE PEOPLE WOULD LOVE TO DISPOSE YOU AT. Like my job.... Fucking hate my bipolar. Another wave of helplessness... Byeeeeee... No longer hyped up and cheerful but still typing. Got to make my mechanical fingers stop doing what they are doing. But wait, it's getting out of control and that they are typing on their own!
Okay la. Everything have to come to an end. And I shall end it here. Do you mind if you could count the number of times I said I wanted to go and comment below? I am trying to get my HTML comment's code working and all. Anyway, I'd re-read my blog and do corrections in my handwritten diary instead of here because I am known for my bad English sentence structure. Or just plainly, in my thoughts.... Perfectionist tends to get a bit weird in the head due to too many drugs intake. Maybe this can get my Psychiatrist to stop giving me medicines and change it to therapies instead.
I REALLY HAVE TO GO. But I can't bear and afford to. Like my job, like this post. *Sighs really sadly* Good night.
Friday, March 22, 2013
May The Desperate In Me Die
I'm so used to not having a boyfriend already! Where are the days when I always have someone to report to? Where has it gone to? I miss the days when I have a boyfriend. Now I am up and available again, anyone wants to be my boyfriend? Must be tall, lanky and geeky looking. But looks aside, I prefer accountants, engineers or information technology related fields.
Perhaps a scientist can do too! I love science. I mean he probably can make up a colorful chemistry compound on our anniversary and it'll be so romantic!
I love geeky guys. Mainly because they are more interesting than other guys out there. Those muscular guys don't get into my books.They have no knowledge or substance. I LOVE SOMEONE WITH ENDLESS STORIES AND EXPLANATIONS.
SO call me maybe....
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Teaching Old Dogs New Tricks
Know what people? Today, only today, out of the blue, I started to do everything using my left hand. Now I am training up my left hand to be as agile as my right. SMS on iPhone using the left hand, make coffee using the left hand and carry my everyday handbag on my left shoulder.
I am kind of weird in the sense that I must make both sides balance out. Whenever I exercise, I would make sure that both sides of my body are doing identical stuffs, same repetitions, same weights. But 23 years of my life I have been using my right hand to write. And subconsciously, doing things like carrying shopping bags, signing of autographs, noting numbers and so on.
Somehow, out of the blue, I started to use my left hand today! Living as a right hander for 23 years, I have gotten so used to doing everything with my right hand. But today, without me having to remind myself, my subconscious is doing it with my left hand. It just comes so naturally. I believe it is god sent! Hahaha!
Things don't just happen like that. I really believe that there's someone out there who can read my thoughts and know what I want. Why, you might wonder.. This is why...
Just yesterday, I was thinking to myself that all has been learnt, all has been done. I have completed childhood and adulthood by the age of 23. Tried being a pauper and tried being in the life of the rich. Scrimped and saved any penny that I have to spending money like I have loads of it. Two extreme ends of the world - I have been through. It's no surprise that I find life boring.
Today, I ate up all my words. A WHOLE NEW FUCKING WORLD OPENED UP TO ME. Now I am given this challenge to learn everything with my left hand. With the aided help of my subconscious training, I am doing well.
Is it freaky or what - That my thoughts are being answered to. That my thoughts are being shown to and challenged.
I think the person behind it all don't want me to have such thoughts. Maybe to him or her (I prefer a 'her' because the world is created by females like Nv Wa - the lady who made living men using clay and the techno song 'god is a girl', plus only a female would be so attentive to someone's thoughts) life is suppose to be full of surprises. Of endless learning and fun things to do. I kind of am influenced by what she opened up to me. I went with the flow and now I'm brimming with delightful happiness. I love to learn new things. I love to learn. I am keen for all sort of knowledge and skills. I am greedy. I want to be, not only Jack of all trades, but Master of all trades. I want to perfect my skills in every single area possible. That is how greedy I am.
Today, I learnt that I am only half way there. Do I know anything about Information Technology? No! Do I know anything about astronauts and satellite? No! Do I know anything about space and beyond? The stars (by the way, the sun is a star. Just a random fun fact) and it's influence and beliefs related to horoscopes? No.
This is what "she" showed me. And the fact that I have to start using my left hand.
I first started to lie about me being ambidexterity when being compared to the flower of my Primary school. The famous pretty flower's name is Daphne Ng Yan Qi. See? I can still remember! Hahahaha. She could write with both her left and her right hand. Ambidexterity in the world is in the ratio of one is to a hundred. How rare is that?!?! Skilled and pretty, she is! Her name is unique too! Sounds so lady like. And till date, she's still a babe. How can I lose out to her?!?!?! Okay, this is my confession. When I notice skills or traits or characters in a person and I don't have it, I would secretly learn it or copy it. This is my little sneaky secret. I love to compare myself to others. When I see some good in others, I would have the urge to want to be like them too. So, I would develop the skills or character traits in some way or another in my growing up stages of life. Back to before confessions. So, knowing that I have competition, I lied about being able to write with both hands too. While she humbly showed me her writing in left hand (and it fucking is the same neatness and tidiness to the right!), I too, tried to write with my left hand..... Mine was like an adult's signature. A drawing of some sort. You can't tell. For her, it comes so naturally. And very neat. Same font and font size as to that of the other hand. Mine is worlds apart. I came up with the excuse of that I hadn't been training my lefty for long and ended the conversation. Since then, at every chance I get, I would use my left hand to write. Now I can write neatly in numbers. Alphabets........ That has to wait. Still in the midst of training.
Now I know I have said things that aren't true. But what is special about me is that, knowing that the things I said aren't true, I would try my best to make them true. It's like throwing out targets and aims to achieve. When I say the things I said, I would strive towards it. Unlike some immature people who would treat it as a one-time-only lie and brush it off. No, I won't. I would work towards making the lie a truth. This is me. And this is my secret to continuous learning.
Interesting right? How my life changed and opened up. Now I used more of my left hand instead of my right.
Hahaha. About the above point, "making a lie become a truth", I have a lot to say about that. I lied about a lot of things because I'm too much of an underachiever. I have very, very high standards to my way of life. Studies got to be perfectly straight A's, like my elder sister. Sports got to be nothing but super skilled at it. Assignments passed down to me must be only handed back with nothing but perfection. Tasks assigned to me are handed back with only customers' satisfaction. I am the kind who expects nothing but the best. The perfect. Anything lower than perfect, I would rather not start at all. I once helped a friend build up his website for his business. I worked hard for 5 days straight. No rest at all. Aching back and sore neck, no sleep and no water. Reading manuals on how to use Dreamweaver software and pages of instructions and endless trials-and-errors. What do you think is the pay back of these free work and effort? Thousand bucks? Nah! It's a satisfied and grateful smile I got in return and it makes everything worth while. Since then, I created another career path for myself. As a designer. Designer of any sort. I can do it out on papers. Don't ask me to do it out using photoshop or some other picture enhancing software. I can do it, provided if I am given the time to read up on manuals and do lots of testing. I can do it. But I rather the old traditional way. Design using drawing blocks and colored pencils. Then think of a way to put it into pictures.
I treat all software like games. Architecture software used by engineers to see things in 3D graphics are no problem for me. While gamers get used to any type of games (with or without reading instructions) by trying out and testing, I'll do the same too. Hand me a manual and you'll see a little Matilda (book by Roald Dahl). If no manuals were being passed down, then give me an hour or two in the seat with the program. Some way or another, I'll figure out how to use it.
I love to figure things out. Like reading detective books, I love to join in the fun and figure it out along the way. Most of the time I am wrong and would be surprised and in awe about how deeply the authors write and think about, almost every single minute details that I may have missed and the twist and turns of the story... I tell you, intellectual and smart people never fails to impress me. I love these categories of people to death! That's how much I love smarty pants. Hence, to all the suitors out there, please look at your own knowledge before wooing me. I am sick and tired of being caught in conversations that are useless and a waste of time. I love people to fascinate me. To bring me into a world where wonders and endless knowledge is. Not to some stupid people (tee hee! Which is why IT Guy's sperms are so precious to me! He have high IQ and EQ and he never fails to tell me about so many things that are not known to me) that thinks the world of themselves - example my latest Internet friend.
Logic IQ books and IQ assessment books were only out in my year of PSLE. I have no idea why. Popular no longer sells those IQ questions assessment workbooks after my PSLE year which is in the year of 2002. Maybe kids nowadays are smarter due to the "plus DHA" milk powders that they drink and tricky IQ questions are so common that it's no longer classified under "special" anymore. It may just be as common as any other mathematics questions.
I can remember the bright orange assessment book though. All the IQ mathematics questions made me happy like heaven! I was in the world of wonders when doing them. IQ's are always related to mathematics. Why? Nevertheless, I am so happy when I get challenges. In Mathematics Olympia Class, we learnt that no mathematics questions are unsolvable. Every single question can be either solved by number patterns or formulas. And we are challenged to come up with our own questions and formulas as homework.
NOW, DO YOU SINGAPOREANS/FOREIGNERS/CITIZENS-OF-SOME-NINCOMPOOP-COUNTRY THINKS THAT I AM AN IDIOT? DO YOU STILL THINK I SPEAK BAD ENGLISH? Fuck. I have to admit. I can speak well in front of people and converse perfectly in Mandarin, English or Hokkien but when dealing with cameras and camcorders, I would stammer and my focus, attention and all would be on the lens. Too much focusing on any objects can lead to no thoughts. I can even forget what the interviewer asked. Most of the time I just smoke through and all. Guess I need more training than that.
I realized that my IQ is comparable to Xiaxue's! I took Mensa IQ test too and I got a result of 165. I think I once read in Xiaxue's blog that her IQ is 160. Tee hee. I bet that changed the perception of neighborhood schools students. Hahahaha.
I wasn't given a chance to join the Genius Class in Primary school. 40 students out of the whole Singapore Primary 5 students were chosen only. I wasn't even in the list of students who gets to try out for the special class. I heard that their way of teaching is by bring fun and facts and observations that one wouldn't notice into their lessons. I had a tuition mate who got into the genius class and everyday after school, they have to go to another school (think it's Nanyang Primary School) to have their advanced lessons. I wasn't chosen but I have updates on what they are learning and I secretly self-learn it myself! They are normally 2 chapters ahead of other students. The rate that they go at is relatively slow to me. They didn't rush into anything. It's not like English whereby understanding have to be there (I lost at this point due to the fact that I don't read as much as my elder sister does) as it comprises everything. Now I understand! Funny right, it's like so out-of-the-blue that I exclaim it. But I realize why my teacher did not opt for me to go for the try outs for the genius class - MY ENGLISH AND CHINESE UNDERSTANDING IS NOT UP TO STANDARD.
I cannot blame them. Let's not compare to people like English literature teachers or professors. Says my elder sister for example. Our house still have evidences of her comprehension worksheet answers in perfect handwriting and the only red marks are ticks at the end of her answers.
Mine..... Red ink every where. Lack of explanation and understanding. This had to do with reading, right? I mean, please! We drank the same brand of milk powder, except that she was breastfed a while and as a baby, she got sick of it and refused my Mother's breast milk (LAUGHING OUT REALLY LOUD! SO CHOOSY AS A CHILD! NO WONDER SHE IS STILL AS THIN AS A STICK! BECAUSE SHE IS CHOOSY AT FOOD UP TILL THIS AGE! SHE EATS NOTHING BUT THE HEALTHIEST AND SHE GOT THIS BOOK, 'WHY FRENCH WOMEN NEVER GET FAT' AND I BET SHE LIVES HER LIFE BY IT - WORD FOR WORD) and started to drink baby milk powder. I preferred chocolate flavor while she sticks to vanilla. Damn it man! As I write, my self actualization got more intense. Now, I discovered another fact to why I am so addicted to sweet stuff while that perfect sister of mine can stick to olive oil. Damn it.
The more I write, the more I want to say that she should be in my shoes. She have whatever it takes to be a beauty queen. Natural high metabolism whereas I work out like fuck to get in shape. She have the poise of a model, straight back and all when all I do is hunch because my friends are too short and the fact that I dislike bras make me inferior. She has sharp features like my Mom's. Sharp nose. Always get compliment-comments like, "Did you go under the knife before? Your nose is so perfectly sharp and prominent". She looks exactly like my mom in her Identification Card, comparing side by side to my mother's old Identification Card. Both of them were about 16-18 years old then. The two pictures put side by side, is exactly the same! We all now knows how my elder sister would look like when she grows old! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. As stern and strict faced like my mother! Thank goodness for the fact that me and my younger sister took after my Dad's! Hahaha.
Don't play play okay! My mom was approached by modelling agencies when she was young. Wanted to fly her abroad and start her career overseas. But my grandfather (who used to own a gun) is so strict and all six children were very afraid of him. In their younger days where they lived in Kampongs, my grandfather would come home drunk, and upon hearing his lorry drives home, the kids would scatter themselves in the jungles and hide. My mom's actual story.This is how scary my grandfather is. And clothes for women cannot bare anything at all! The first two children went to Chinese school. It was before English schools became popular then. My mom is the second child, so she speaks good Mandarin. Only my third auntie have the guts to pursue her dreams. She became an air stewardess. My mom said that grandfather was not really strict when they turned into adults and looking for jobs. I pictured him wrongly, thinking that he would probably kill my third auntie for going into such complicated jobs. But it was my mom's fault that she didn't take up the deal of modelling. To have her career overseas and all. To live in a life full of glamour and shining bright spotlights. My grandfather is pretty open minded when it comes to jobs. Well, I guess getting his daughters to dress conservatively had nothing to do with the acceptance of jobs that his descendants have chosen. My mom was the one who dare not stepped into the industry as it was known to be complicated. She would be in the same batch of celebrities as Zoe Tay and Fann Wong. My mom have this picture that looks like "Bobo" - a wicked women Zoe Tay acted as in one of the drama shows in the early times. Before I was born as I have no recollection of the show.
My elder sister is a hot babe. Guys would always turn their heads to take a second glance at her. Trust me. I am always in the shadow. Don't get me wrong, I love being beside her. A lot of psychology research shows that the sister who is in the shadow may become more inferior and distant from the public but not me. I am always outspoken and not shy DUE to my special mindset. I do not feel inferior or bad about myself. Instead, my focus was on the fact that I am proud of my elder sister! Unlike my younger sister, whereby she would come home and complains about being known to the school's seniors and teachers as, "Eileen's younger sister" instead of her name, I would proudly tell everyone that I am Eileen's sister! Look at how this simple differences in perspectives have shown and proved one's character and how she feels about others and herself. My younger sister, luckily, didn't get any problems with inferiority. In fact, she is the most independent woman in the house. She can go swimming by herself whereas I have to learn from her and bring myself to go swimming alone. Me and my elder sister are dependent on another party... Well, mostly.... Pisces and Geminis are best friends. Moreover, we sleep together too. It's like nights and nights of endless chats. Elder sister is the chatty one. I am the listener. Self actualization: I never share much about my life, my feelings, my thoughts, my circle of friends..... Even now. I only share knowledge and fun facts. AND I AM OPENING MYSELF TO YOU GUYS BY TELLING YOU MY SWEET CHILDHOOD! Anyway, like a machine gun, she would keep telling me secrets and all. SHE was the one who uses IRC (or is that ICQ?) chat rooms and I tried to sign in once but finds it too boring for me. SHE was the one who use the computer the whole day. I don't even know how to make use of search engines then. It was in school that I learn how to use "Hooligans" - a search engine. I wasn't exposed to as much things as her. I know it's irritating having to constantly compare myself to her but I find it so intriguing that she is much smarter than me (again, I fall in love with smart people). She reads the most books, had all the use of computer and sociable group of friends who shares information, fun facts and other things that people don't know. And she would share it with me. Like Cheng Han says, "Do you know that sports drinks have very high carbohydrates that would be converted into energy and store as fats?" and another classic one is "Do you know that Linkin Park used a special kind of microphone called the 'screaming hook' to sing and shout into? It was written in the lyrics booklet." I have a huge crush on this guy, Tay Cheng Han (if I am not wrong) then and since then, I read every single word in a text or book or any given source. Even the year of publishing and accreditation in a book would not be unread. So many information you can fish out from there! Oh! And I remember there is this guy in my elder sister's class who calls me "Tweety Bird". Hahahah. I had a crush on him too. SO PEOPLE, TELL ME LAH! How can I outsmart my smarty-pants elder sister leh?
But my mom is pretty fair. While the technologies and knowledge are with Eileen, I have my own share of things too. Like the school's science fair. I bought my first microscope (and I kept it till now lor!) set when I was in Primary 5. I wanted to buy all 4 sets of science stuffs but my mom can only afford one. We weren't that loaded then. And one set costs like 50 bucks. Mommy wasn't very happy because it is like playing with toys. She didn't see the educational part of it. Neither did I. I am just more inclined towards science as I excel in it and loves to do experiments. So I went to school with only that 50 bucks and chose the set that has the most things inside. At that tender age, I already know how to make an expenditure worthwhile. So I stood there, thinking for 3 hours, trying to imagine which set I would buy and one of the factor is that I cannot be bored with it. I must keep using it, like how I promised mommy. There are opened sample sets so I played with them until I can memorize everything about them. Then I bought the one with microscope and insects on the slides as they are the ones that cannot be remembered. It has to be drawn out and labelled.
You can't say that my mom is biased. Books are cheaper than science try-it-yourself experimental sets. The thought of sharing my elder sister's books never crossed my mind at that time. Even now. I dare not touch her books. She have like this whole collection of books that she bought from Sans Bookshop (you can rent or buy books from them) in perfect conditions. She always tells me to read with the spine of the book unwrinkled. I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA HOW TO DO THAT. HOW CAN YOU READ THE WORDS THAT ARE TOWARDS THE MIDDLE OF THE PAGE WITHOUT OPENING THE BOOK WIDER?!?!?! All her books have their spines in perfect conditions. As good as new. My books..... Regretfully, always end up with folded pages and distorted spine. Fuck lah! She is dainty and ladylike. I am uncouth and rough. Like a barbarian. So reading her books are like so cannot be. I don't dare to touch her stuffs.
She invests in books only. I invest in science games and experimental sets, assessment books and anything that helps with self enrichment. Both of us are independent learners. My mom is Chinese educated so she cannot help us much. She only learn how to spell "porridge" by testing my elder sister for her spelling test. She learn as we learn. Along with us. My grandmother too. I shall do a full account on my next post.
My younger sister is not that bad too. Even though she is in Normal Stream, she has a high forehead too! I think smarty-pants genes sort of runs in the family. Our cousins are all smarty-pants. All except me. The black sheep of the family. The one that refuses to admit that certification is everything. The one who believes that having experience is more important than a paper (and I was proven right). I have the shortest forehead among our cousins.. And my IQ is 165. Guess what's the IQ of the rest then. Hee hee.
My forte is Mathematics and Science. My elder sister is weaker at Mathematics but very strong in her languages. She takes 3 languages in Secondary school. My younger sister have talent in arts. She draws very beautifully, unlike me, only knows kiddish drawings using crayons and color pencils. She paints life into pictures. I paint and the picture would be so ruined. Fuck man. I cannot help but kept comparing. That's my little flaw. Endless comparing and trying to reach into their standards.
Maybe I should do an autobiography post one day. Tell you guys all about my family's background. It's going to be so interesting! I'm way too tired today.
I still have a lot more to rant on but I've to attend an interview tomorrow. Thou shall stop now. Tomorrow I'll be more free and I can blog the whole day about my entire life! Okay, set then! Steady bom-pee-pee! I must force myself to sleep and not be engrossed in typing any further.
P.S: I have been in kneeling position, blogging for the past 5 hours. 5 hours to get this shit load of information! Lol.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Recently, or should I say yesterday, I met up with a fan-cum-Internet friend. They (as in my parents) say never to meet up Internet friends. How true... Why, you might wonder. Because I met one who is constantly feeling inferior. And I cannot stand having to listen to him complain about the whole world, like its never his fault that things happen. You reap what you sow, remember? The vibe from your actions or body language would yield your deserved treatments.
We met at my house. Mainly to discuss about my new plan to trash into classes or lectures of different schools and institutes to have a taste of their lives there. Student's life is something that I miss tremendously. More details in future posts. I'm like fucking doing my own reality show here. Haha.
Anyway, before anyone of you starts to pinpoint, i better exclaim it myself. I know I'm like a fucking bitch, okay. Private conversations and all and I'm like just posting it here? This is how cunning I can be. But the aim of me writing posts with real life conversations is not to put people down, but to create reflections and learning lessons from it. Every single thing that people says, every actions that they show, somehow, we as humans, would subconsciously analyze them, thus, reacting accordingly to what the situation is. This explains the "vibe" that one's body language or thoughts is giving out.
Speaking of the above point, I love to learn my life lessons by case studies so that I won't fall into the hole. It builds into character and makes me more street smart! Much more than what people think the bimbo me is. From an outsiders' view, I would laugh at the person who fell, then sympathize with the person and then help the person plan or encourage him to start again. To provide strength and fundamental support is the last step. And it's what I do for everyone. I help to create paths in life. Because I make them shoulder blames. Make them reflect and direct their thinking in the right direction.
Maybe I should ask for "artiste disclosure" before posting. I feel so bad that I have to blog out everything that he said. Good grief!! But I'm fucking mean to share this. The Internet friend had me going, "LOOK AT YOURSELF FIRST BEFORE COMMENTING ON OTHERS".
He said that he messaged a lot of celebrities on Facebook asking if that's their real account. Most just replied a simple yes. Then he complained about them not replying after the acknowledgement.
Do you know that celebrities receive a lot of mails a day? So how can you blame them if they don't reply?! I got my fair share of this situation too - just enough to make you eat up your words about "easier said than done. You aren't in it. You don't understand." talk. I have been through the same shit he went through. Did I complain? No! Why? Because I am a "celebrity" (fuck me! I always feel uncomfortable calling myself a celebrity. I am only human and I don't think that my 'fame' is actually fame) and I also have idols that I admire. People like Eminem! I wrote 4 fucking love letters to him (as a fan) and not a single reply. I wrote in rhyming words, rapping style and cool as fuck, I am. He probably gets like millions of fan mails everyday! Do you expect him to reply to every single one of them? His fingers would be so cramp up from all the writings and replies that he might have permanent tendon damages - something that I wouldn't want him to have.
When you love or idolize a person, you care about them. You wish only the best for them. You don't hurt them. Seeing them well would bring happiness to yourself. That is real care.
Example Xiaxue. Before I rise to fame, I used to drop her little comments. She selectively reply to fans, I guess. Maybe my comments aren't that intellectual for her high IQ brain and witty replies. Perhaps. But I am thankful enough to know that at least celebrities made the effort to read every fan mail written to them. This is how easily contented I am.
But not for him! He expects people to message him all day and night. Somewhat like becking at his call, suppose to serve him like a king. Fat hope! I am nice enough to reply his messages on Facebook, leading on to exchange of mobile number as I have future plans that needs him to be there. He would message me every single second! Like, hello~ I am well known for my ability to laze and sleep on days that I don't have to work or busy myself with reading and online study tests. Like I have the time for you and he actually expects me to reply him every single time he sent a message. Like I don't have my stuffs to do. Like I am that free. However, opposing my thoughts, I told him to "chill and relax because I don't want to be addicted to messaging you". I gave my pride away to prevent hurtful remarks to the other party. Don't learn from me. A lot of people hates it. It's pretentious but sometimes people's heart have to be treated with tenderness. Especially if that guy tells you that he have psychological problems as well. It is actually a known method for psychologist to pacify people and apple polish them till they are confident of themselves. How was I suppose to know that he is OVERCONFIDENT. Guess I failed in my analyzing of psychological thoughts when I read his messages. He actually said that "why do you dote on me more?". (-.-") Answer: No. I treat everyone the same way. I begun not to care about his fantasy or little bubble once I parted with him at the bus stop. He is so shallow. Elaborate later.
I am thankful for the pathetic group of fans that I have and would try to reply to them. Well, before you start calling me loose, I would like to say that to those whom I've replied to, it's either potential jobs or psychological problems and stuffs. I can give fucking loads of advice. If I sense wittiness in you, I'll drop you a witty reply. If it's as serious as life and death situations, I would give proper answers too, mostly calming people down and handling them to the professionals. My one year in Polytechnic, studying psychology, is not comparable to psychologists who holds a degree.
I know, I know that there's nobody in the world with the same common sense. But I don't see why he can't see like I do. Be more understanding towards other people's feelings and thoughts! Of course celebrities cherishes their fans but they have their lives too! They may be busy. Not everyone is as free as him to message all day long. We have our work to do. Portfolios to send, money to earn. Most celebrities have to do everything themselves. It's like having their own business whereby everything have to be attended to, personally, like auditions for roles in whichever movie, short film that we are given the chance to act in. Casting calls are not that easy. We don't have time for all these replying and shit. We don't even have time to eat, shit or play majong!
For me, it's different. I only started to look for more modeling jobs and opportunities in the previous week. So far, it's people coming up to me, offering me the chances. I don't look for deals. Deals come to me. But short of funds, I have to begin being proactive in finding jobs and castings. So don't bother messaging me messages that are nonsensical. I am very practical. If you are of no help to my finance or future, I wouldn't even befriend you.
I stop reaching out to people since very long ago. I have friends that a palm could count. And that is more than enough for me. Being a huge spender, people can tell that I have money. Money to buy necessities and things that I want. Which is why ninety percent of my "friends" ended up being debtors. Debtors that didn't even bother to return my money until now! Till date, my whole life of lending money to people in need, only one person returned my money. And I still treat her as my best friend. The rest can just fuck off and die. I have already learnt to forbid myself from listening to people's sad stories. My heart melts easily. I have been through hardships and am that sort of person who wishes that the whole world wouldn't have to go through what I have been through. After believing in mankind again and again, lying to myself that the world is not so cruel, I have finally come to terms with the fact that once a sum of money is lent, one should consider it spent. If it comes back, then it's a bonus.So don't even think about telling me your sad stories about how your grandmother died and you are in debt and mountain of bills. I slapped myself twice and heartlessly decided to face reality.
I got out of topic. My Internet friend actually commented on Paige Chua, saying, "You know la, those celebrities". Paige Chua was the victim that I mentioned in the situation earlier. She was the one who acknowledge the fact that her Facebook account was a genuine one, opened by the girl herself. She didn't reply to any of his messages after that. Actually I was fooled into replying. His Facebook name was "Typewriter *******" (confidential as I am not out to pinpoint whose at fault. I'm just trying to bring across a lesson). Typewriter got me thinking that I may land myself with some movie deals or short films and all that jazz.
Fucking practical I am. Curse me not. I know it myself. I don't befriend people who are of no use to me. I mean, come on. What do you expect (Don't even ask me why I became this way. From someone full of love and naivety to someone so grown up, cold and heartless)? Singapore's standards of living is getting higher and higher and my part time job only earns me a hundred and eighty plus dollars a month. Can you imagine? Surviving on two hundred bucks (maximum) a month? It's barely enough to cover my ass. But a job is a job. And a job I got to do. Hand me something and expect nothing but perfection and full responsibility from me. This is how serious of a worker I am. Not a good leader but definitely a good worker.
I never would expect that Mr Typewriter ******* would be a person of my age and a student in ITE. Even though he had been through army (army makes most boys into men due to their training and forcing those pampered kings to maturity), I must say, he have not seen the light yet. Yes, it's a known fact that boys mature later than girls. Maybe it's my life experiences that made me so grown up. But look, I am now a whooping age of 23. It's time to throw away all the childish fairy tales of Disney princesses that I have shelved and replace with books related to political science and economy, pseudo inventions and history. History - best books to read as there's millions of things to learn. Biographies of hookers, druggies, close-encounter-with-death survivors, politicians and even psychologists. But he? He only berates the whole world. Blaming his luck on losing the role of class representative and lack of popularity.
See what I mean? If you were to talk to others with the same politeness, minus the pestering and "obligations to reply" attitude, with the same calmness and attitude, I don't see why people won't be friends with you! He have the face to tell me that the whole class dislikes him. If it's just a person, I would have said that it might be just problems with attitude. But the whole class? Time to reflect on yourself, boy. Of course I wouldn't rule out the possibility that he might have offended Mr Popular in class and therefore, turning the whole class against him. From what I know, ITE students often hang out in groups. You see the Malays mixing with their own race only. And the Chinese Ah Bengs of different gangs group themselves accordingly. Wondering how I know? My workplace is near to an ITE and it seems like there's no way a class would all gang up and turn tables on someone. There's bound to be a girl or two with sympathetic heart and would reach out to befriend him. Agree with me or not. Singapore is unlike America. In America, you see people bullying the weak outcast. You get class bullies. Singapore is more disciplined and strict. Try class bullying and expect your ass to be whipped, expelled, down and out. I'll then see if there's any homies with you then. I got a friend who sees "brothers" more importantly than his family. But when he is in trouble, who is there for him? All the "brothers" run away, leaving me to help him financially. This is how practical the world is. So, rule out class bullying. Only left with the possibility that he is the one with issues.
I am well known in my secondary school, as well as Polytechnic and MDIS. I am never in the "in" crowd but me and my best friend earned our spotlight fair and square. As much as I love others to shine instead of me, somehow I rose to fame too. You might think it comes easily for us. Why? Beauty? First impression is the most important one. But what sustains the popularity is our personality. By being friendly to others. Give a helping hand to those in need. Go to school earlier and give tuition to those who are too busy playing sports (talking about you Hui Shan). Apparently, I stopped typing for an hour for my brain to cool down and also to find Hui Shan's Facebook account so that I can inform her that her name appeared on my blog and she should read it. I ended up leaving around ten posts on my secondary school friend's wall. Hahaha. My focus is back now.
He complained that he couldn't get the class to like him as a class representative. First, it's not easy to be a presenter. I wouldn't call "class representative" a "leader" as their job is not to lead. But to present complains and problems that fellow students faced to authorities and in some situations, be able to counsel classmates. To get in touch with them. He talks too softly. How can you talk softly when you are suppose to stand in front of the class to do a speech? *Slaps my head* How I wish that stupid people could see their own qualities. If one knows his own strength and chooses tasks that requires that specific strength, then he is smart. If one is given a task that requires a certain trait that he don't have, a person like me - fucking service standard A star, would improve and change my entire character to suit the role. Even if it takes hours of non-paid (I am fucking money-faced) self training and looking ridiculous in front of the mirror. This is how a responsible person reacts.
Instead of doing the best after getting the position of class representative, he did nothing at all. Not a single communication with the classmates and even quarreled with one of them. Did you know that I don't even want to tell him off because I think he is so hopeless? It's like he is seeing faults with everyone but his own!
He lost the rights to represent his class after half a year. The class re-polled for someone more worthy. Someone whom people would listen to. Someone who is firm enough to make a change.
Mind you. In order for my and my best friend (in Secondary School) to be popular, we have to be humble. It's not that I am saying that we are the most beautiful ones in school. I never considered myself pretty but my best friend is. She is gorgeous. With the most dazzling smile too! Even my younger sister is obsessed with her "D" shaped mouth and wide smile. For me, I am more down to earth, shy but friendly. She is outgoing and I am more quiet. You can say that I got my popularity because I hung out with her. It's only then that people recognizes me.
But then again, I was the girlfriend of the biggest gangster in school. No one dares to offend him except me. I was the only one who can twist him around my little finger then.
I remembered when I cried outside the teacher's room, a class of students walked by and the hottest and most popular guy in school actually know my name and asked me what happened. Yes, Yao Rong, you are Mr I-Want-Him-To-Be-My-Boyfriend. That guy is so tall (already win a lot of women's heart) and the star of the basketball team. He actually talked to me. I was caught aback but too sad to reply him.. All I did was cry.
So, imagine I had bad attitude. Stuck up. Turn my head away from people. I may be pretty but people would be calling me names like "bitch", "slut" and etcetera. Like I always say, I love to blend into the shadows but often the outcome would be the adverse of what I want. We earned our popularity, fair and square. That's it. It's not about whether you have what it takes or not. It's about your attitude and outlook of life. How you carry yourself and smile at strangers. Me and my best friend have natural smiley faces so it sort of comes easy for us. But there is always hardship.
A real life example. I have a classmate who thinks she is pretty. Well, she cheated because she used foundation when in school. What's the point of putting make up in school? I tried once and was exposed by my best friend and the same night, I realized that my cheeks lost it rosy color and got so freaked out that I swore never to put on foundation again. My swear lasted till date. Until now, you will never see me in foundation. Not in my upcoming movie nor on streets or at work. But sometimes professional modeling has to have it's way and make up cannot be avoided. It's only due to work that I would go against my habit of having a clear, foundation-free face. Back to the girl who used foundation even in school. Alex Wong Bong Yap (hahaha. I can remember his full name) went to swipe a finger across her face and expose her real skin. All she did was touch up. If it's me, I'll cry of embarrassment because I am exposed!!!!!!!!! Hahah. Not so serious la. Just joking.
This girl, she hangs out with some very hot and pretty ladies who are not from our school. I know it because during Flag Day, instead of helping with the donations for the needy, she went to meet this hot girl at Orchard, Ngee Ann City. Her confidence builds when she is with make up, making her think that she is actually gorgeous. She is tall, no doubt, a plus point when it comes to catching attention. But she got her nose too high in the sky that I cannot see her eyes. She have no friends except for the ladies outside of school. That Flag Day, me and my best friend won the class highest amount of money donated. I was geeky looking and without make up, so don't say that looks helped me in getting people to donate. We didn't have to travel around. All we did was to stand at the Jurong Point Interchange (which is also the meeting point) and ask for donations. We were both proactive. As much as we like to stay together with Suthasini D/O Morgan, we have to go on separate routes to cover more areas and get more donations. Our aim is clear. The whole cohort of Seconddary Three students were there. Imagine the competition, especially when students prefer to loiter around the meeting point instead of going elsewhere. Most students take this as an opportunity to sneak out and shop around. Only me and my best friend kept smiling at every single person who walked by, asking politely for donations. Ask and you will have it. It's the most fulfilling moment of my life. Now wait a minute, I shall sign up for volunteering work after this blog post. Yes, at earlier than 3.15am in the morning. People must be thinking that I am crazy.
He, the Internet friend (in case you guys forget), doesn't make the effort to smile and know people.
From the information I gathered from him, he is always adding celebrities on Facebook, then messaging them, asking if they are the real person whose using the accounts and bitch about them if they don't reply. Sour grapes, I call him. I chided him today, telling him off about how he should be more realistic and stop trying to befriend celebrities. We as entertainers have a certain standard when it comes to friends. You cannot expect me to mix around with people who are of lower standards right? Reality is that I do hang around all sorts of people. High class, middle class and low class. I am friendly by nature. I still get shivers down my spine whenever I recall him saying that he is the special one who got my attention. No. No, no, no. Whilst messaging you, I am messaging other 4 fans too and a few guy friends. You are not special. I don't do favoritism.
Seriously, why can't he be more real and befriend with people around him? Numbers make up strength. A strong army can knock anyone down. Can't he be more down to earth? It really disgust me a whole fucking lot.
What's worst is that he invited me to go out on a day whereby his friends would be around. To play paintball. I wanted to join in the fun but he had to pour a huge tub of cold water and said that he don't play paintball. Then what is the fucking point of going?! Be more sporting! I know as someone who is constantly exposed to public's eye, I should be selective in my "sporting" acts (yes, the Vivian and me kissing scene). But what's the fun in life if you don't live it to the fullest? He is like dampening the spirits of other people. It's either you join in the fun or don't appear at all. People might feel guilty for leaving him out and end the game earlier. Selfish guy, isn't he?
What angers me the most is that he said I could hold his hands when we go out together. He is pretending to "protect me from his evil classmates". So far, I hadn't had anyone who dislikes me after knowing my outgoing and chatty personality. I felt like an ornament - something for him to show off so that he can scoff at the classmates and smirk creepily with the eat-your-heart-out-fuckers-because-I'm-the-one-who-ends-up-with-a-celebrity underlying message. I am definitely more than smart to see through that - I think. His cunning offers seems innocent. But I am not stupid. I can tell what's going on. When we went out, he didn't even bother to check if I can catch up with his speed of walking. I was panting all the way. Hungry too! But at least I am polite enough to accompany him and do his errands together with him without complaining. Hinted to him that I am famished but he didn't even listen to a word I said. I had to resort to telling him straight to the face that I want to eat as our meeting is suppose to be a lunch meeting and my stomach is empty!!!!!!!!! Only then, we ate.
The impression he left on me is really bad. I NEVER IMAGINE MEETING A PERSON SO SELFISH! I HAD NEVER COME ACROSS A SELFISH PERSON IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. This is my first time facing such a jerk! Life lesson to learn? You bet. Seriously, I had to end the whole date abruptly.
Lucky for me, my lifesaver sister forgot her keys and I had to rush home to open the door for her or she'll be roasted under the sweltering afternoon heat. I just took the bus and left. I cannot stand another minute being nice to someone who only thinks about himself. It's all about him... All credits go to him. All the faults go to the world. He is like the only perfect one. *Fucking roll my eyes a million times*
Until now, my disappointment in him still remains. He portrayed himself as a problem teen in Facebook messages. But in face-to-face meeting, he is actually the one with issues. Complaining all day and night. Not even concerned if the heat was too much for me to take or not and I got roasted after walking ten minutes under the sun. My skin is sun burnt now and it's peeling. That's how much I cannot expose myself to afternoon sun. It's fucking obvious because as soon as I hopped on the bus, I whipped out my pocket mirror and look at how *prettily* flushed my cheeks were and feeling the heat on my shoulders. Nobody could have missed that. People don't turn red suddenly for nothing. He failed to see that.
I told him to bug off nicely and said that from the conversations we had, I can only foresee that this friendship is going to turn out sour. He is just an inferior guy who fantasize about knowing celebrities, add them as friends and try to use them to help himself shine.
There's is no such thing as a free lunch in the world. People work hard for it. They deserves what they get. My life story as compared to his, I can only conclude that he wants something without working for it. Unless you are born with it, there is no way one could get their hands on something without paying with hardships and effort. Wake up, boy.
He replied me and said that he won't do it again (which is to pester me every single minute of the day, sending up to 23 messages when I don't reply him). I didn't reply. Reason being: I am not your girlfriend. You don't have to apologize to me. Actions would show. And right after he said he won't do it again, he sent another 3 messages. RIGHT~ Trust me to listen to him huh... I am busy.
I told him it's either Tuesday or no other days (for the date) and he played hard to get, replying that Tuesday was out for him. Then TOO BAD! And he ate up his own words because he knows that I am playing my cards my way. I would be too busy for the rest of the month! Tee hee. And I am eating into my sleeping time blogging this. Blogging a post about him and answering to his inquires to why things aren't going well for him, may it be school or relationships with people. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS FAN OF MINE DON'T EVEN READS MY BLOG! How shallow can a man be?
Tell tale signs:
1) Play hard to get by turning down the date I had set for the meeting or date (if you wish to call it). And when he knows that things aren't going to be his way, he exposed his own lie of being busy. He was free that day and wanted to walk around with me till god knows what time.
2) He have a very different personality in Facebook and in real life. Tell me more about you thinking that he is innocent. My fucking foot. More than cunning I would say.
People don't compliment themselves. I don't go around saying that I am the one whose being dote on the most. Truth is actually I said that to every single person I know... But in a very joking way, more like a little girl who is seeking attention. But for him, he is too overconfident. Just like the girl in my class. If one person says something, it's natural for one to doubt if the words are true. But if all says the same thing, does it mean something?
Even a perfectionist like me dare not be overconfident. I am confident that I deliver the best service and quality of work but I am humble. I do not raise my nose. I cannot stress more about humbleness. People only teach people who are humble - which is why I am learning till now. One got to empty his cup before filling it up with more water. If you think you are that perfect, no amount of life lessons would make you learn. Why don't you try emptying your cup and listen to what others have to teach.
This sums up my blog post for today. I still haven't ate my medications which is why I am up so late. I've been sleeping like a normal person for weeks, waking up in the morning and sleeping by 9pm at night. But for this post, I stayed up past my sleeping time just to make him (if he even reads this) see what's wrong.
To me, he is just faking the fact that he is a weak person inside. Come on, your tone and voice betrayed you. You could go on and on about others. People who are such strong complainers don't belong to the weak-hearted. I bet he just refuse to come to terms with the fact that he is the one who should change. Got so much energy to complain, why not convert the energy and use it for self reflection? Fucking sickening...... Damn. I feel like it's fucking useless blogging it out for he doesn't read it. For other self-centered people out there, FUCKING LOOK AT YOUR OWN ACTIONS BEFORE PROCRASTINATING ABOUT THE WHOLE WORLD. YOU MIGHT AS WELL GO LIVE IN A CAVE WHERE THERE'S ONLY YOU ALONE SO THAT YOU WOULD BE HAPPY AND NO ONE TO BLAME. SAVES YOU MORE SALIVA FOR DIGESTING FOOD!
FUCKING HELL! I shall take my medication now. Tomorrow have an audition for a hair event. Ten out of sixteen, hell, I need all the luck in the world to be chosen among other gorgeous models out there.
Muacks (been forever since I used this term). Wish that I get the job though. It's worth two hundred bucks. At least it's worth me exchanging my job shift for... I need more money.
If my boss is reading this, I am sorry. But reality of life is that money comes first. I am actively finding more jobs to cover up the wound I got from mountains of doctors' bills. I had promised to put the workplace in first priority but I had already eaten into my school funds for this month and need the extra money to cover up. Luckily they had found someone to take over my shift. So I guess no harm done? Thank you for your understanding.
It's freaking 4.19am now. I must head to bed. Set my alarm, returned from toilet and I'm off. Nights/Morning Singapore (if only so many people reads my blog).
Saturday, March 9, 2013
This is so funny, people.You know, I've got a slight problem with my medications. I am taking Dormicum to help me sleep. But I have an active mind. So this leads to sleepwalking.
Let me explain: Sleepwalking. How do I define sleepwalking, in the simplest term that I can think of?
From Dictionary, it is explained by, "the act or state of walking, eating or performing other motor acts while asleep, of which one is unaware upon awakening.
I have a lot to share about my sleepwalking experiences. They are HILARIOUS! But on the other side, dangerous as well.
The first time I sleepwalk was when I was given so many medications at one go and I have to take them before sleep. I was in Hong Kong then, on holidays with Mr Tang. I vividly remember having to wear my nighties to sleep that night. Weirdly, I woke up next afternoon to find myself in another set of clothing all together! And I was in my undies! How rude of me, especially when a man is around. I went to bathroom, looking around with blurred vision. Rubbed my eyes in front of the mirror and the contact lenses fell off! I quickly picked it up and placed them into their containers that was filled with solution meant for contacts. It was only one eye. I still couldn't see the reflection in the mirror so I just did what I always do. For your information, I can put on and take out my contact lenses without the use of mirrors. That's how skillful I have learnt to be. Back to that topic. With no mirrors to see, I just poked my finger into my other eye and tried to remove the "contact lenses". After trying to pry it out for 5 minutes, I gave up and stood on tip-toes so that I could have a clearer view of the reflection in the mirror. "Shit!", I thought, "It must have fallen out when I was sleeping! It's not there!". So I went to open the spare contact lenses that I brought along with me. Wore them and we headed out, after I wore a pants. I asked him if anything weird happened last night but he assured me that he came back to the room after 11pm due to some business dinner and I was already in bed. I did not suspect sleepwalking then. I was confused. When we came back, about an hour later, the fucking 2 stuck-together contact lenses had separated! I opened the new one for nothing!!!! Apparently, I had sleepwalked and went to shower, changing into another fresh shirt and undies, put 2 lenses into the fucking same eye and went back to sleep on my own accord.
What the hell! What if I got out of the room and wander into strangers' room, have sex and locked out, naked?!?!?! By then, it hit me that I might be sleepwalking. I read up on drugs and their adverse effects before taking them, in any case, I feel uncomfortable, I know it's the side effects. And Dormicum have been proven to give problems like sleepwalking. I mean, come on, other than that, nothing would have caused me to change my shirt right? Unless I have split personality and my other "personality" came out for a day, without me knowing. If it was that case, it would have mean that 2 days had passed but upon checking the date 3 to 4 times, I was convinced that only a day had passed.
I came back to Singapore and complain to my doctor. He advised me to stop taking it unless really necessary.
Back in Singapore, my manic disorder took over and I couldn't sleep for 2 days. So I popped another Dormicum and sleep. Date, at that time, was living with me in Portsdown Road, was caught off guard as the sleeping me suddenly woke up and said that I want to go shopping. I picked up my bag, and I changed into a nightie-cum-dress (the kind that I always wear) and wanted to head off. But the driving master, Mr Date, was too tired to drive me to Mustafa. Somehow or another, I went back to bed. Woke up in the morning, and, I could tell from the fact that my nightie have changed so it means sleepwalking. I didn't probe on asking Date what did I do.
The next experience was when I am sleepwalking, I took Baby's towel (IMAGINE! A DOG'S TOWEL?!?!) and took a shower. I dried my hair using Baby's towel!!!!!!!! I woke up with immense odor. An odor so strong that I swore I would kill myself if I ever smell it again. Fuck! Had my sanitary pad placed inside out too! My panties were worn in the wrong way. All crazy and shit. All the incidents at Portsdown Road happens at about 3am and Date, after his work, would be too tired to notice me. He is a heavy sleeper but I made so much din that he woke up to see me act weirdly.
Another incident was that I thought I am at a cashier or something. Had my handbag in my arms, handing cash to an invisible person and making the notes fly all over the place, walked towards the toilet door and sleep on the floor there. Luckily, the toilet was clean and huge! Date really tried his best to wake up (my dear! It's torturing for man who is out slogging the day away to wake up and look after his girlfriend at the wee hours of the morning). I was complimenting the cashier in perfect English too! I had to get Date to watch after me in any case I wander outdoors. It would be disaster then! It was very taxing for him.
There's also one time when I had sleepsex! I raised my feet up high and it looks obscene to the core! Date had it videoed down. He said that my actions were rather quick and agile and by the time he can record it, it's already halfway through the laugh.
Then it was this Chinese New Year. On the day itself too! I sleepwalked. I didn't know it was Chinese New Year and after doing my stuffs for a whole night, I decided that the manic disorder got to go and I have to catch some rest before going for reunion dinner (my iPhone's calendar was misread by me, okay!). So I popped a Dormicum into my mouth and slept. I could only remember being woke up a few hours later to see my Psychiatrist. Then the consultation...... I was sleeptalking. My Doctor didn't know as well. Throughout the trip, from the doctor's office to my Ah Ma house, and from my Ah Ma house to home, I couldn't remember a single thing. How did the Ang Baos reached me? My sisters took them for me. According to my parents statement, I had slept soundly since I've reached my granny's place. Occasionally, I would walk up and talk to the air (my parents and third auntie had it all videoed down!) and doing some weird gestures. When at home, I took shower twice and walked around naked! AND my Dad was around. My Mom could only lock Daddy out of his bedroom (I used the master's toilet to shower) and try to dress me up, WHEN I am hiding from her. HAHAHAH. She had a hard time chasing me. My Dad is a known sleeper, like me. Go anywhere must sleep and sleep first. So imagine how long he tried to stay awake so that he could sleep on his bed! It's pure torture!
I know it's not funny when it comes to such things. Even when watching the videos, I couldn't stand myself!
I had not educated them, even now - because there's no need to anymore, on how to deal with situations like this. Best if can, try to convince or coax a sleepwalker back into sleeping. Some can be pretty stubborn and start a fight. Some can even talk back, breaking into an argument! Most people cannot tell if a person is sleepwalking or not. Some doctors even said that split personality CAN be sleepwalking, whereby the brains work but no memories are collected.They can be troublesome if they stay alone and have no one else to take care of them.
This is how I dealt with the problem. I took Dormicum with muscle relaxant or relaxant of any sort. Xanax, lexotan and etc. This ensures that the mind is resting as well so not only you sleep, but your muscles sleep too.
Sleepwalking is caused by active brain, active muscles, active thoughts but sleeping memory. And you wake up refresh too! Therefore, by using relaxant to make your muscles relaxed, you risk lesser chance of having to walk as your nerves would be so asleep by then!
This is how I coped with it. One can never tell through the eyes (unlike drug abuse when druggies normally have "spaced out" or "distant" look in their eyes) as the muscles of the eyes and the part whereby one's brain visualize stuffs are all working. The muscle fibers in a sleepwalker can dilate and contract as well as focus on certain objects that they are hallucinating. Sometimes, they hallucinate. Sometimes they join and mingle into the crowd just as fine.
It's hard to tell when someone is sleepwalking (or just split a personality). It's after that, that we are aware of that a sleepwalking had occurred - only if there are evidences left behind, like change of clothing, bags misplaced, wallet opened and etc.
Till date, I had not sleepwalk, provided that my Dormicum must be taken together with Xanax.
I cannot believe the stupid things I did when I was sleepwalking. Imagine! Using a dog's towel to dry your hair?!?! How smelly!!!!!!!!
This is it and now it's going to be 3 in the morning. Better head to bed before my day and night turns topsy turvy again.
Xoxoxo.. Nights, my lovely ones
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Find meetings boring?
Finding your meetings boring?
The next time you go to a meeting, bring some 'pop pop' sweets along with you!
Drop some onto your tongue and they'll pop and give your tongue a little massage. Only you can hear them. Unless you purposely put your mouth beside your friend's ears, then they'll hear sizzling sounds as well.
I bet, you will only burst out laughing and thinking of me since then on. Every meeting would be an image of how you will kill me. Hahahahaha.
Try it in boring classes too. Concentrate on hearing the sizzling pop. So cute can!!!!
Why did I suggest this is that I was in a boring talk and just had dumped all the powdered pops into my mouth as I was late. It got so boring that I decided to count the seconds of sizzle instead.
In a boring econs talk, I burst out laughing at myself and got into center of attraction again. :D
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Tell Me How Time Flies
From the day I last messaged my first boyfriend, it's been 8 years.
From the day I last messaged IT Guy, it's been 5 years.
From the day I last messaged Date, it's been 1 year and a half.
How time flies..... Truly, how time just flies.
Friday, March 1, 2013
Let's Take A Look At LOVE
I am still not over the relationship I had with Mr Tang and IT guy.
Both of them loved me like none other. They were the ones who accompanied me through stages of love.
They both share the same traits. I would only consider guys like that to be a husband.
Both noticed that, after my shower, I (now-then-I'm-aware-of) would just be rolled up like a bun in towels during overseas trips, missing places that people aren't aware of. Treated a towel like a tube top.Bundled up and refreshing!
They both scram-ed from me. Indeed, it was my fault. Because the fucking bipolar acted up!!!
And at that time, I wasn't being diagnosed yet. THUS, this leads to failure in paying more attention to my actions and thoughts.
I still stand for the verdict that it is faulty intercommunication!!!
I scare them away! What regrets?!?!?!!!!!!!
I'd do anything to have them back. Somehow, in a way or another, it seems like I'm scaring off all the rich and cool men.
I fucking hate my own misconceptions.. I always see things in a negative light and I'm not a perfectionist at all!!!!!!!!!!!
I thought I had what it takes to make up. I THOUGHT THEY WOULDN'T INTERFERE WITH MY LIFE!!!!!!!!! But they are already too scared and gone. Not that they are scared of me. But it's the whole relationship is beyond salvage condition.
Bipolar, is it a condition that one acted recklessly and then regret?
I, SERIOUSLY, AM BERATING MYSELF AGAIN AND AGAIN!!!
Always remember..... When it's problem solving, it's always a "think-think-think". Think for your future!
From them, I've learnt , I have became a really realistic person. I stopped being "act-cute, naive and blur".
Actions shows everything. But without my fucking attitude at that time when we were to be together, I could have married you both!!!!
When we went on a holiday together, Mr Tang and me, we shared such joyful fun. Not much talking, but a lot of eating and walking. And learning.
When IT Guy and I were in a private hotel room, he'll be so nice and gentlemanly as to turn, so that his back faces me when I change, even though I could use the toilet. I would come out, wrapped in towel and he would go all shy and berates me for being indecent. Yes! He wears singlet inside his T-shirts. And he did told me upfront that he is a man. A man that would get horny. I laughed and laughed and laughed like a little girl and he just hugged me. How lovely that was.
I believed, strongly, that the whole world's men are after my body (I was still quite shapely then, unlike now, fats all over) and all they want is sex. But, fortunately for me, I have found 2 guys who are not after sexual favors from a girl. In fact, they are genuine in teaching, scolding and implementing life lessons and thinking points to make a girl like me grow up to be someone more streetwise and mature.They are boring old men. Not that old, just that IT Guy is 11 years my senior and Mr Tang is like 30 years plus older than me. Boring people they are. But they read a lot and tells me interesting facts and summary of the stories that they have read. Therefore, beside them, I feel safe and secure. I could be naked for all I care and they wouldn't even touch a single hair of mine. However, I am also clear of my line and stay within my borders - try not to let my bad habit of "after-shower" get the better of me. I have a bad habit of wrapping towels around me after showering and then go to a place further from the bathroom to change as it's normally very wet around the bathroom floors.
I think I am the only one having this problem. My sisters can shower and leave the bathroom floor dry. However, when it comes to me, SOMEHOW the tiles of the bathroom would be flooded. The floor mat for toilet users to dry their feet could be wrenched and you'll gain a bucketful of water from it. Every night, after I shower, my dad have to dry the floor mat by wrenching it and squeezing every single drop of water out of it, place it on top of the toilet seat and let it dry.
Back to that, speaking of how Mr Tang showed and proved me right about him not getting disrespectful and try to get me onto bed. Instead, he turned to use his laptop. Very decent dude. I love (yes, until now) him.
I know I am very into "decent" men. I am also aware that my little tests (doing sexy stuffs just to see if they tries to bed me) to see if a man is trustworthy or not, is very dangerous. I could get myself raped. But so far, my big build have not failed me and I am able to fight off and resist.
I love how I can be so free in front of them. Strip or not, they don't look and give me enough respect and even offer to head out.
I really appreciate guys who are in control of their penises. This adds points as they portrays discipline, proper manners and good conduct.
HAHAHAHAHA. To their advantage, I, actually start to pretend and act blur about that topic of , "Birds And Bees".
That's when I started to develop a bad habit.. To GIVE WHITE LIES AND WHITE LIES..... Kept spinning the lines.. For life.
I am too ashamed to admit. But I'm full of white lies.
They both left. Never forgiven.. At least IT Guy gives a chance to correct myself. But Mr Tang shut me up totally. This is how strict I would love my relationship to be in.
I'm still single and young. Got to go pubs more and meet new people! I need to settle down now! (Fuck, man. Now then I realize that my social group are full of money-lenders")
Perhaps setting up a family may put me into proper condition. I have no other requests, other than using In-Vitro-Fertilization. I want IT Guy's genes. They are all meant for success!!! Because they would generally be higher in the IQ factor.
I want his sperms!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Plus, I'd marry the next guy that is attentive enough to notice that i still don't wipe my shoulders. Sometimes deliberately, to those single guys, sometimes it'd just slip off my mind! Just wear clothes and sleep.
Speaking of sleep, I fantasize a smart child to compare with the mother. Gives logical answers while playing with your emotions. Something like that. Tease or nuisance, I love them to be smart! Do readings for hobby! No crying. It's going to be adult talk.
This is how a PERFECTIONIST like me must be..
But then.... he got scared again (am I that fucking scary?!?!?) and ran off. Told him straight in the messages that I sent to him. It's either his sperms, no one else.
Good genes do run in families!
But baby, where they knock you down and out
Is where you're oughta stay