Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating
This Is Me
Me. Magical. Min. Maniac. Monster. Monetary.
"Never let anything known for anyone to stab you in."
FORGIVE BUT NEVER FORGET!
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Friday, March 1, 2013
Let's Take A Look At LOVE
I am still not over the relationship I had with Mr Tang and IT guy.
Both of them loved me like none other. They were the ones who accompanied me through stages of love.
They both share the same traits. I would only consider guys like that to be a husband.
Both noticed that, after my shower, I (now-then-I'm-aware-of) would just be rolled up like a bun in towels during overseas trips, missing places that people aren't aware of. Treated a towel like a tube top.Bundled up and refreshing!
They both scram-ed from me. Indeed, it was my fault. Because the fucking bipolar acted up!!!
And at that time, I wasn't being diagnosed yet. THUS, this leads to failure in paying more attention to my actions and thoughts.
I still stand for the verdict that it is faulty intercommunication!!!
I scare them away! What regrets?!?!?!!!!!!!
I'd do anything to have them back. Somehow, in a way or another, it seems like I'm scaring off all the rich and cool men.
I fucking hate my own misconceptions.. I always see things in a negative light and I'm not a perfectionist at all!!!!!!!!!!!
I thought I had what it takes to make up. I THOUGHT THEY WOULDN'T INTERFERE WITH MY LIFE!!!!!!!!! But they are already too scared and gone. Not that they are scared of me. But it's the whole relationship is beyond salvage condition.
Bipolar, is it a condition that one acted recklessly and then regret?
I, SERIOUSLY, AM BERATING MYSELF AGAIN AND AGAIN!!!
Always remember..... When it's problem solving, it's always a "think-think-think". Think for your future!
From them, I've learnt , I have became a really realistic person. I stopped being "act-cute, naive and blur".
Actions shows everything. But without my fucking attitude at that time when we were to be together, I could have married you both!!!!
When we went on a holiday together, Mr Tang and me, we shared such joyful fun. Not much talking, but a lot of eating and walking. And learning.
When IT Guy and I were in a private hotel room, he'll be so nice and gentlemanly as to turn, so that his back faces me when I change, even though I could use the toilet. I would come out, wrapped in towel and he would go all shy and berates me for being indecent. Yes! He wears singlet inside his T-shirts. And he did told me upfront that he is a man. A man that would get horny. I laughed and laughed and laughed like a little girl and he just hugged me. How lovely that was.
I believed, strongly, that the whole world's men are after my body (I was still quite shapely then, unlike now, fats all over) and all they want is sex. But, fortunately for me, I have found 2 guys who are not after sexual favors from a girl. In fact, they are genuine in teaching, scolding and implementing life lessons and thinking points to make a girl like me grow up to be someone more streetwise and mature.They are boring old men. Not that old, just that IT Guy is 11 years my senior and Mr Tang is like 30 years plus older than me. Boring people they are. But they read a lot and tells me interesting facts and summary of the stories that they have read. Therefore, beside them, I feel safe and secure. I could be naked for all I care and they wouldn't even touch a single hair of mine. However, I am also clear of my line and stay within my borders - try not to let my bad habit of "after-shower" get the better of me. I have a bad habit of wrapping towels around me after showering and then go to a place further from the bathroom to change as it's normally very wet around the bathroom floors.
I think I am the only one having this problem. My sisters can shower and leave the bathroom floor dry. However, when it comes to me, SOMEHOW the tiles of the bathroom would be flooded. The floor mat for toilet users to dry their feet could be wrenched and you'll gain a bucketful of water from it. Every night, after I shower, my dad have to dry the floor mat by wrenching it and squeezing every single drop of water out of it, place it on top of the toilet seat and let it dry.
Back to that, speaking of how Mr Tang showed and proved me right about him not getting disrespectful and try to get me onto bed. Instead, he turned to use his laptop. Very decent dude. I love (yes, until now) him.
I know I am very into "decent" men. I am also aware that my little tests (doing sexy stuffs just to see if they tries to bed me) to see if a man is trustworthy or not, is very dangerous. I could get myself raped. But so far, my big build have not failed me and I am able to fight off and resist.
I love how I can be so free in front of them. Strip or not, they don't look and give me enough respect and even offer to head out.
I really appreciate guys who are in control of their penises. This adds points as they portrays discipline, proper manners and good conduct.
HAHAHAHAHA. To their advantage, I, actually start to pretend and act blur about that topic of , "Birds And Bees".
That's when I started to develop a bad habit.. To GIVE WHITE LIES AND WHITE LIES..... Kept spinning the lines.. For life.
I am too ashamed to admit. But I'm full of white lies.
They both left. Never forgiven.. At least IT Guy gives a chance to correct myself. But Mr Tang shut me up totally. This is how strict I would love my relationship to be in.
I'm still single and young. Got to go pubs more and meet new people! I need to settle down now! (Fuck, man. Now then I realize that my social group are full of money-lenders")
Perhaps setting up a family may put me into proper condition. I have no other requests, other than using In-Vitro-Fertilization. I want IT Guy's genes. They are all meant for success!!! Because they would generally be higher in the IQ factor.
I want his sperms!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Plus, I'd marry the next guy that is attentive enough to notice that i still don't wipe my shoulders. Sometimes deliberately, to those single guys, sometimes it'd just slip off my mind! Just wear clothes and sleep.
Speaking of sleep, I fantasize a smart child to compare with the mother. Gives logical answers while playing with your emotions. Something like that. Tease or nuisance, I love them to be smart! Do readings for hobby! No crying. It's going to be adult talk.
This is how a PERFECTIONIST like me must be..
But then.... he got scared again (am I that fucking scary?!?!?) and ran off. Told him straight in the messages that I sent to him. It's either his sperms, no one else.
Good genes do run in families!
But baby, where they knock you down and out
Is where you're oughta stay