Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating
This Is Me
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Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Recently, or should I say yesterday, I met up with a fan-cum-Internet friend. They (as in my parents) say never to meet up Internet friends. How true... Why, you might wonder. Because I met one who is constantly feeling inferior. And I cannot stand having to listen to him complain about the whole world, like its never his fault that things happen. You reap what you sow, remember? The vibe from your actions or body language would yield your deserved treatments.
We met at my house. Mainly to discuss about my new plan to trash into classes or lectures of different schools and institutes to have a taste of their lives there. Student's life is something that I miss tremendously. More details in future posts. I'm like fucking doing my own reality show here. Haha.
Anyway, before anyone of you starts to pinpoint, i better exclaim it myself. I know I'm like a fucking bitch, okay. Private conversations and all and I'm like just posting it here? This is how cunning I can be. But the aim of me writing posts with real life conversations is not to put people down, but to create reflections and learning lessons from it. Every single thing that people says, every actions that they show, somehow, we as humans, would subconsciously analyze them, thus, reacting accordingly to what the situation is. This explains the "vibe" that one's body language or thoughts is giving out.
Speaking of the above point, I love to learn my life lessons by case studies so that I won't fall into the hole. It builds into character and makes me more street smart! Much more than what people think the bimbo me is. From an outsiders' view, I would laugh at the person who fell, then sympathize with the person and then help the person plan or encourage him to start again. To provide strength and fundamental support is the last step. And it's what I do for everyone. I help to create paths in life. Because I make them shoulder blames. Make them reflect and direct their thinking in the right direction.
Maybe I should ask for "artiste disclosure" before posting. I feel so bad that I have to blog out everything that he said. Good grief!! But I'm fucking mean to share this. The Internet friend had me going, "LOOK AT YOURSELF FIRST BEFORE COMMENTING ON OTHERS".
He said that he messaged a lot of celebrities on Facebook asking if that's their real account. Most just replied a simple yes. Then he complained about them not replying after the acknowledgement.
Do you know that celebrities receive a lot of mails a day? So how can you blame them if they don't reply?! I got my fair share of this situation too - just enough to make you eat up your words about "easier said than done. You aren't in it. You don't understand." talk. I have been through the same shit he went through. Did I complain? No! Why? Because I am a "celebrity" (fuck me! I always feel uncomfortable calling myself a celebrity. I am only human and I don't think that my 'fame' is actually fame) and I also have idols that I admire. People like Eminem! I wrote 4 fucking love letters to him (as a fan) and not a single reply. I wrote in rhyming words, rapping style and cool as fuck, I am. He probably gets like millions of fan mails everyday! Do you expect him to reply to every single one of them? His fingers would be so cramp up from all the writings and replies that he might have permanent tendon damages - something that I wouldn't want him to have.
When you love or idolize a person, you care about them. You wish only the best for them. You don't hurt them. Seeing them well would bring happiness to yourself. That is real care.
Example Xiaxue. Before I rise to fame, I used to drop her little comments. She selectively reply to fans, I guess. Maybe my comments aren't that intellectual for her high IQ brain and witty replies. Perhaps. But I am thankful enough to know that at least celebrities made the effort to read every fan mail written to them. This is how easily contented I am.
But not for him! He expects people to message him all day and night. Somewhat like becking at his call, suppose to serve him like a king. Fat hope! I am nice enough to reply his messages on Facebook, leading on to exchange of mobile number as I have future plans that needs him to be there. He would message me every single second! Like, hello~ I am well known for my ability to laze and sleep on days that I don't have to work or busy myself with reading and online study tests. Like I have the time for you and he actually expects me to reply him every single time he sent a message. Like I don't have my stuffs to do. Like I am that free. However, opposing my thoughts, I told him to "chill and relax because I don't want to be addicted to messaging you". I gave my pride away to prevent hurtful remarks to the other party. Don't learn from me. A lot of people hates it. It's pretentious but sometimes people's heart have to be treated with tenderness. Especially if that guy tells you that he have psychological problems as well. It is actually a known method for psychologist to pacify people and apple polish them till they are confident of themselves. How was I suppose to know that he is OVERCONFIDENT. Guess I failed in my analyzing of psychological thoughts when I read his messages. He actually said that "why do you dote on me more?". (-.-") Answer: No. I treat everyone the same way. I begun not to care about his fantasy or little bubble once I parted with him at the bus stop. He is so shallow. Elaborate later.
I am thankful for the pathetic group of fans that I have and would try to reply to them. Well, before you start calling me loose, I would like to say that to those whom I've replied to, it's either potential jobs or psychological problems and stuffs. I can give fucking loads of advice. If I sense wittiness in you, I'll drop you a witty reply. If it's as serious as life and death situations, I would give proper answers too, mostly calming people down and handling them to the professionals. My one year in Polytechnic, studying psychology, is not comparable to psychologists who holds a degree.
I know, I know that there's nobody in the world with the same common sense. But I don't see why he can't see like I do. Be more understanding towards other people's feelings and thoughts! Of course celebrities cherishes their fans but they have their lives too! They may be busy. Not everyone is as free as him to message all day long. We have our work to do. Portfolios to send, money to earn. Most celebrities have to do everything themselves. It's like having their own business whereby everything have to be attended to, personally, like auditions for roles in whichever movie, short film that we are given the chance to act in. Casting calls are not that easy. We don't have time for all these replying and shit. We don't even have time to eat, shit or play majong!
For me, it's different. I only started to look for more modeling jobs and opportunities in the previous week. So far, it's people coming up to me, offering me the chances. I don't look for deals. Deals come to me. But short of funds, I have to begin being proactive in finding jobs and castings. So don't bother messaging me messages that are nonsensical. I am very practical. If you are of no help to my finance or future, I wouldn't even befriend you.
I stop reaching out to people since very long ago. I have friends that a palm could count. And that is more than enough for me. Being a huge spender, people can tell that I have money. Money to buy necessities and things that I want. Which is why ninety percent of my "friends" ended up being debtors. Debtors that didn't even bother to return my money until now! Till date, my whole life of lending money to people in need, only one person returned my money. And I still treat her as my best friend. The rest can just fuck off and die. I have already learnt to forbid myself from listening to people's sad stories. My heart melts easily. I have been through hardships and am that sort of person who wishes that the whole world wouldn't have to go through what I have been through. After believing in mankind again and again, lying to myself that the world is not so cruel, I have finally come to terms with the fact that once a sum of money is lent, one should consider it spent. If it comes back, then it's a bonus.So don't even think about telling me your sad stories about how your grandmother died and you are in debt and mountain of bills. I slapped myself twice and heartlessly decided to face reality.
I got out of topic. My Internet friend actually commented on Paige Chua, saying, "You know la, those celebrities". Paige Chua was the victim that I mentioned in the situation earlier. She was the one who acknowledge the fact that her Facebook account was a genuine one, opened by the girl herself. She didn't reply to any of his messages after that. Actually I was fooled into replying. His Facebook name was "Typewriter *******" (confidential as I am not out to pinpoint whose at fault. I'm just trying to bring across a lesson). Typewriter got me thinking that I may land myself with some movie deals or short films and all that jazz.
Fucking practical I am. Curse me not. I know it myself. I don't befriend people who are of no use to me. I mean, come on. What do you expect (Don't even ask me why I became this way. From someone full of love and naivety to someone so grown up, cold and heartless)? Singapore's standards of living is getting higher and higher and my part time job only earns me a hundred and eighty plus dollars a month. Can you imagine? Surviving on two hundred bucks (maximum) a month? It's barely enough to cover my ass. But a job is a job. And a job I got to do. Hand me something and expect nothing but perfection and full responsibility from me. This is how serious of a worker I am. Not a good leader but definitely a good worker.
I never would expect that Mr Typewriter ******* would be a person of my age and a student in ITE. Even though he had been through army (army makes most boys into men due to their training and forcing those pampered kings to maturity), I must say, he have not seen the light yet. Yes, it's a known fact that boys mature later than girls. Maybe it's my life experiences that made me so grown up. But look, I am now a whooping age of 23. It's time to throw away all the childish fairy tales of Disney princesses that I have shelved and replace with books related to political science and economy, pseudo inventions and history. History - best books to read as there's millions of things to learn. Biographies of hookers, druggies, close-encounter-with-death survivors, politicians and even psychologists. But he? He only berates the whole world. Blaming his luck on losing the role of class representative and lack of popularity.
See what I mean? If you were to talk to others with the same politeness, minus the pestering and "obligations to reply" attitude, with the same calmness and attitude, I don't see why people won't be friends with you! He have the face to tell me that the whole class dislikes him. If it's just a person, I would have said that it might be just problems with attitude. But the whole class? Time to reflect on yourself, boy. Of course I wouldn't rule out the possibility that he might have offended Mr Popular in class and therefore, turning the whole class against him. From what I know, ITE students often hang out in groups. You see the Malays mixing with their own race only. And the Chinese Ah Bengs of different gangs group themselves accordingly. Wondering how I know? My workplace is near to an ITE and it seems like there's no way a class would all gang up and turn tables on someone. There's bound to be a girl or two with sympathetic heart and would reach out to befriend him. Agree with me or not. Singapore is unlike America. In America, you see people bullying the weak outcast. You get class bullies. Singapore is more disciplined and strict. Try class bullying and expect your ass to be whipped, expelled, down and out. I'll then see if there's any homies with you then. I got a friend who sees "brothers" more importantly than his family. But when he is in trouble, who is there for him? All the "brothers" run away, leaving me to help him financially. This is how practical the world is. So, rule out class bullying. Only left with the possibility that he is the one with issues.
I am well known in my secondary school, as well as Polytechnic and MDIS. I am never in the "in" crowd but me and my best friend earned our spotlight fair and square. As much as I love others to shine instead of me, somehow I rose to fame too. You might think it comes easily for us. Why? Beauty? First impression is the most important one. But what sustains the popularity is our personality. By being friendly to others. Give a helping hand to those in need. Go to school earlier and give tuition to those who are too busy playing sports (talking about you Hui Shan). Apparently, I stopped typing for an hour for my brain to cool down and also to find Hui Shan's Facebook account so that I can inform her that her name appeared on my blog and she should read it. I ended up leaving around ten posts on my secondary school friend's wall. Hahaha. My focus is back now.
He complained that he couldn't get the class to like him as a class representative. First, it's not easy to be a presenter. I wouldn't call "class representative" a "leader" as their job is not to lead. But to present complains and problems that fellow students faced to authorities and in some situations, be able to counsel classmates. To get in touch with them. He talks too softly. How can you talk softly when you are suppose to stand in front of the class to do a speech? *Slaps my head* How I wish that stupid people could see their own qualities. If one knows his own strength and chooses tasks that requires that specific strength, then he is smart. If one is given a task that requires a certain trait that he don't have, a person like me - fucking service standard A star, would improve and change my entire character to suit the role. Even if it takes hours of non-paid (I am fucking money-faced) self training and looking ridiculous in front of the mirror. This is how a responsible person reacts.
Instead of doing the best after getting the position of class representative, he did nothing at all. Not a single communication with the classmates and even quarreled with one of them. Did you know that I don't even want to tell him off because I think he is so hopeless? It's like he is seeing faults with everyone but his own!
He lost the rights to represent his class after half a year. The class re-polled for someone more worthy. Someone whom people would listen to. Someone who is firm enough to make a change.
Mind you. In order for my and my best friend (in Secondary School) to be popular, we have to be humble. It's not that I am saying that we are the most beautiful ones in school. I never considered myself pretty but my best friend is. She is gorgeous. With the most dazzling smile too! Even my younger sister is obsessed with her "D" shaped mouth and wide smile. For me, I am more down to earth, shy but friendly. She is outgoing and I am more quiet. You can say that I got my popularity because I hung out with her. It's only then that people recognizes me.
But then again, I was the girlfriend of the biggest gangster in school. No one dares to offend him except me. I was the only one who can twist him around my little finger then.
I remembered when I cried outside the teacher's room, a class of students walked by and the hottest and most popular guy in school actually know my name and asked me what happened. Yes, Yao Rong, you are Mr I-Want-Him-To-Be-My-Boyfriend. That guy is so tall (already win a lot of women's heart) and the star of the basketball team. He actually talked to me. I was caught aback but too sad to reply him.. All I did was cry.
So, imagine I had bad attitude. Stuck up. Turn my head away from people. I may be pretty but people would be calling me names like "bitch", "slut" and etcetera. Like I always say, I love to blend into the shadows but often the outcome would be the adverse of what I want. We earned our popularity, fair and square. That's it. It's not about whether you have what it takes or not. It's about your attitude and outlook of life. How you carry yourself and smile at strangers. Me and my best friend have natural smiley faces so it sort of comes easy for us. But there is always hardship.
A real life example. I have a classmate who thinks she is pretty. Well, she cheated because she used foundation when in school. What's the point of putting make up in school? I tried once and was exposed by my best friend and the same night, I realized that my cheeks lost it rosy color and got so freaked out that I swore never to put on foundation again. My swear lasted till date. Until now, you will never see me in foundation. Not in my upcoming movie nor on streets or at work. But sometimes professional modeling has to have it's way and make up cannot be avoided. It's only due to work that I would go against my habit of having a clear, foundation-free face. Back to the girl who used foundation even in school. Alex Wong Bong Yap (hahaha. I can remember his full name) went to swipe a finger across her face and expose her real skin. All she did was touch up. If it's me, I'll cry of embarrassment because I am exposed!!!!!!!!! Hahah. Not so serious la. Just joking.
This girl, she hangs out with some very hot and pretty ladies who are not from our school. I know it because during Flag Day, instead of helping with the donations for the needy, she went to meet this hot girl at Orchard, Ngee Ann City. Her confidence builds when she is with make up, making her think that she is actually gorgeous. She is tall, no doubt, a plus point when it comes to catching attention. But she got her nose too high in the sky that I cannot see her eyes. She have no friends except for the ladies outside of school. That Flag Day, me and my best friend won the class highest amount of money donated. I was geeky looking and without make up, so don't say that looks helped me in getting people to donate. We didn't have to travel around. All we did was to stand at the Jurong Point Interchange (which is also the meeting point) and ask for donations. We were both proactive. As much as we like to stay together with Suthasini D/O Morgan, we have to go on separate routes to cover more areas and get more donations. Our aim is clear. The whole cohort of Seconddary Three students were there. Imagine the competition, especially when students prefer to loiter around the meeting point instead of going elsewhere. Most students take this as an opportunity to sneak out and shop around. Only me and my best friend kept smiling at every single person who walked by, asking politely for donations. Ask and you will have it. It's the most fulfilling moment of my life. Now wait a minute, I shall sign up for volunteering work after this blog post. Yes, at earlier than 3.15am in the morning. People must be thinking that I am crazy.
He, the Internet friend (in case you guys forget), doesn't make the effort to smile and know people.
From the information I gathered from him, he is always adding celebrities on Facebook, then messaging them, asking if they are the real person whose using the accounts and bitch about them if they don't reply. Sour grapes, I call him. I chided him today, telling him off about how he should be more realistic and stop trying to befriend celebrities. We as entertainers have a certain standard when it comes to friends. You cannot expect me to mix around with people who are of lower standards right? Reality is that I do hang around all sorts of people. High class, middle class and low class. I am friendly by nature. I still get shivers down my spine whenever I recall him saying that he is the special one who got my attention. No. No, no, no. Whilst messaging you, I am messaging other 4 fans too and a few guy friends. You are not special. I don't do favoritism.
Seriously, why can't he be more real and befriend with people around him? Numbers make up strength. A strong army can knock anyone down. Can't he be more down to earth? It really disgust me a whole fucking lot.
What's worst is that he invited me to go out on a day whereby his friends would be around. To play paintball. I wanted to join in the fun but he had to pour a huge tub of cold water and said that he don't play paintball. Then what is the fucking point of going?! Be more sporting! I know as someone who is constantly exposed to public's eye, I should be selective in my "sporting" acts (yes, the Vivian and me kissing scene). But what's the fun in life if you don't live it to the fullest? He is like dampening the spirits of other people. It's either you join in the fun or don't appear at all. People might feel guilty for leaving him out and end the game earlier. Selfish guy, isn't he?
What angers me the most is that he said I could hold his hands when we go out together. He is pretending to "protect me from his evil classmates". So far, I hadn't had anyone who dislikes me after knowing my outgoing and chatty personality. I felt like an ornament - something for him to show off so that he can scoff at the classmates and smirk creepily with the eat-your-heart-out-fuckers-because-I'm-the-one-who-ends-up-with-a-celebrity underlying message. I am definitely more than smart to see through that - I think. His cunning offers seems innocent. But I am not stupid. I can tell what's going on. When we went out, he didn't even bother to check if I can catch up with his speed of walking. I was panting all the way. Hungry too! But at least I am polite enough to accompany him and do his errands together with him without complaining. Hinted to him that I am famished but he didn't even listen to a word I said. I had to resort to telling him straight to the face that I want to eat as our meeting is suppose to be a lunch meeting and my stomach is empty!!!!!!!!! Only then, we ate.
The impression he left on me is really bad. I NEVER IMAGINE MEETING A PERSON SO SELFISH! I HAD NEVER COME ACROSS A SELFISH PERSON IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. This is my first time facing such a jerk! Life lesson to learn? You bet. Seriously, I had to end the whole date abruptly.
Lucky for me, my lifesaver sister forgot her keys and I had to rush home to open the door for her or she'll be roasted under the sweltering afternoon heat. I just took the bus and left. I cannot stand another minute being nice to someone who only thinks about himself. It's all about him... All credits go to him. All the faults go to the world. He is like the only perfect one. *Fucking roll my eyes a million times*
Until now, my disappointment in him still remains. He portrayed himself as a problem teen in Facebook messages. But in face-to-face meeting, he is actually the one with issues. Complaining all day and night. Not even concerned if the heat was too much for me to take or not and I got roasted after walking ten minutes under the sun. My skin is sun burnt now and it's peeling. That's how much I cannot expose myself to afternoon sun. It's fucking obvious because as soon as I hopped on the bus, I whipped out my pocket mirror and look at how *prettily* flushed my cheeks were and feeling the heat on my shoulders. Nobody could have missed that. People don't turn red suddenly for nothing. He failed to see that.
I told him to bug off nicely and said that from the conversations we had, I can only foresee that this friendship is going to turn out sour. He is just an inferior guy who fantasize about knowing celebrities, add them as friends and try to use them to help himself shine.
There's is no such thing as a free lunch in the world. People work hard for it. They deserves what they get. My life story as compared to his, I can only conclude that he wants something without working for it. Unless you are born with it, there is no way one could get their hands on something without paying with hardships and effort. Wake up, boy.
He replied me and said that he won't do it again (which is to pester me every single minute of the day, sending up to 23 messages when I don't reply him). I didn't reply. Reason being: I am not your girlfriend. You don't have to apologize to me. Actions would show. And right after he said he won't do it again, he sent another 3 messages. RIGHT~ Trust me to listen to him huh... I am busy.
I told him it's either Tuesday or no other days (for the date) and he played hard to get, replying that Tuesday was out for him. Then TOO BAD! And he ate up his own words because he knows that I am playing my cards my way. I would be too busy for the rest of the month! Tee hee. And I am eating into my sleeping time blogging this. Blogging a post about him and answering to his inquires to why things aren't going well for him, may it be school or relationships with people. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS FAN OF MINE DON'T EVEN READS MY BLOG! How shallow can a man be?
Tell tale signs:
1) Play hard to get by turning down the date I had set for the meeting or date (if you wish to call it). And when he knows that things aren't going to be his way, he exposed his own lie of being busy. He was free that day and wanted to walk around with me till god knows what time.
2) He have a very different personality in Facebook and in real life. Tell me more about you thinking that he is innocent. My fucking foot. More than cunning I would say.
People don't compliment themselves. I don't go around saying that I am the one whose being dote on the most. Truth is actually I said that to every single person I know... But in a very joking way, more like a little girl who is seeking attention. But for him, he is too overconfident. Just like the girl in my class. If one person says something, it's natural for one to doubt if the words are true. But if all says the same thing, does it mean something?
Even a perfectionist like me dare not be overconfident. I am confident that I deliver the best service and quality of work but I am humble. I do not raise my nose. I cannot stress more about humbleness. People only teach people who are humble - which is why I am learning till now. One got to empty his cup before filling it up with more water. If you think you are that perfect, no amount of life lessons would make you learn. Why don't you try emptying your cup and listen to what others have to teach.
This sums up my blog post for today. I still haven't ate my medications which is why I am up so late. I've been sleeping like a normal person for weeks, waking up in the morning and sleeping by 9pm at night. But for this post, I stayed up past my sleeping time just to make him (if he even reads this) see what's wrong.
To me, he is just faking the fact that he is a weak person inside. Come on, your tone and voice betrayed you. You could go on and on about others. People who are such strong complainers don't belong to the weak-hearted. I bet he just refuse to come to terms with the fact that he is the one who should change. Got so much energy to complain, why not convert the energy and use it for self reflection? Fucking sickening...... Damn. I feel like it's fucking useless blogging it out for he doesn't read it. For other self-centered people out there, FUCKING LOOK AT YOUR OWN ACTIONS BEFORE PROCRASTINATING ABOUT THE WHOLE WORLD. YOU MIGHT AS WELL GO LIVE IN A CAVE WHERE THERE'S ONLY YOU ALONE SO THAT YOU WOULD BE HAPPY AND NO ONE TO BLAME. SAVES YOU MORE SALIVA FOR DIGESTING FOOD!
FUCKING HELL! I shall take my medication now. Tomorrow have an audition for a hair event. Ten out of sixteen, hell, I need all the luck in the world to be chosen among other gorgeous models out there.
Muacks (been forever since I used this term). Wish that I get the job though. It's worth two hundred bucks. At least it's worth me exchanging my job shift for... I need more money.
If my boss is reading this, I am sorry. But reality of life is that money comes first. I am actively finding more jobs to cover up the wound I got from mountains of doctors' bills. I had promised to put the workplace in first priority but I had already eaten into my school funds for this month and need the extra money to cover up. Luckily they had found someone to take over my shift. So I guess no harm done? Thank you for your understanding.
It's freaking 4.19am now. I must head to bed. Set my alarm, returned from toilet and I'm off. Nights/Morning Singapore (if only so many people reads my blog).
But baby, where they knock you down and out
Is where you're oughta stay