Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating
This Is Me
Me. Magical. Min. Maniac. Monster. Monetary.
"Never let anything known for anyone to stab you in."
FORGIVE BUT NEVER FORGET!
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Saturday, April 27, 2013
Finding A Job Is Hard
I always wonder what path or how did celebrities end themselves with proper job and a normal life.
People like Dawn Yeoh who quit the scene. What is she working as now? And people like me, not even well-known to that extend, already have problems finding work.
Anyway, I have been out meeting new people in life. Quite a lot of nice men - but all married. Left out are those that are trying to get into my pants OR mobile number. I am old enough to judge who is worthy to be kept as friends or who is not. However, sweet talkers always score. Who don't like to hear sweet nothings? But I prefer guys who can draw the line and friend-zoned themselves. These guys are more of a female-magnet. They tend to be the one who scores with females. Female can confide in them more, I guess. I think females can know their emotions better.
The most interesting thing is that I manage to make a friend with someone when I wanted him to interview me. Lol. It sounds weird having someone who reads my blog to see this.
Oh.. I seriously think night life isn't the life for me. After the first week, when I am still newly there, I find it a true joy. But I love what I do, which is to chit chat and show the more outgoing me. Cosplay is a plus too, having to dress up differently every time. BY THE WAY, I WORK IN 63 BOAT QUAY, FACING THE RIVER SIDE, AT T-ARA COSPLAY BAR & CAFE /K-ARA MUSIC BAR.
By the second week, I got a bit bored. And about my love life? It's pretty much going okay, having me left to love myself. I guess it's back to square one.
I think fate hates me. But choices are the ones that decides your path in life. For me, I work too much on my emotions and feelings. Things like curiosity. It gets me into trouble more than love. Oh, and since the start of my first courtship, it always seemed like I am the one being cheated on.
And work wise. I, either gets my pay late, or get cheated off my pay. Since I've ditched my full time job to pursue part times, managing my schedule very properly with an hour interval for travel, I thought I could earn more from that but it got lesser. Timings would somehow clash and I would be rushing from left to right.
But I wanted to go for further enrichments and upgrade myself to a higher level. Actually, I need not have the certification. I am already doing the same thing as what they are. But a certification would perhaps convince employers more. Do you think so?
With more than 5 years of experience in the same field, I have already mastered most stuff. I have bankers (they are the strong in efficiency and accuracy), engineers (they have strong analytical minds), fellow colleagues (same field) telling me different things. But one smarty-pants told me a wise quote which is to do what the society wants. Not what you think.
It's your actions that matters. You may have the weirdest thoughts, the wildest dreams, the darkest desire BUT that is your own problem. The one that truly matters is, firstly, honest answers but answer tactfully and try to be politically correct to sensitive people or your bosses. Secondly would be your actions.. An action proves what you say proves all.
I am good at body language. I have always been self-conscious and since the day I "borrowed without permission" my elder sister's "Master Your Body Language", I realize how true they are. The tell-tale signs and all. I practically do them ALL.
Creepy right? How accurate the research nowadays can be. I have the tendency to look away, with my eyes staring left diagonally upwards when thinking. Not a good thing to show in front of cameras. Which is why I would swirl my position away from the camera and only allow a side view of me. I always keep strong eye contacts to make sure that I can "hear" properly to the words of the speaker. I must have listened to too much music and therefore, affecting my hearing. I need people to speak louder. Some times the environment does play a part too. In an empty room, there's so much echo (tuition centers) and in a large room, you can barely make out the words (lecture halls and concourses). I need to read the lips.
What is worse is the fact that there are pretty lot of "ang mohs" in the bar. I can never hear through their thick accent. Some times I just nod my head and frown as though I've heard. Most of the time, I would be asking them to repeat. If I still fail to hear by the third time, I would totally give up and smile cutely.
From the bar, I have met (and more still to come) all sorts of people. From different industries and a lot of foreigners who would backpack. As mostly are bankers, I get to learn a lot more about the banking industry. There's like loads of things to more to know. I love it whenever guys end off with smartical quotes like, "Apple polishing can only get you so far. How you manage is the thing which brings you higher" or things like, "A beauty can land herself in a job by having a lasting impression. But what brings more is quality of her work". Most people think I have both! Something that I am really proud of. But talk is cheap. Even though my portfolio of the amount of new things I've tried and got good testimonals are lost, I have no regrets. Working is a hobby for me. Somehow, this year, economy's going a bit slower. And I have nothing to do.
Bored to tears. I am looking for jobs. Please don't ask me to do retails or sales. I may be a really good talker and a sweet and honest one (I would never point out someone's fault because I always fail to detect any), but no thank you. Been there, tried that, had bad experiences and no way I am putting myself there. Unless there is really no other routes that I can take.
Now I am regretting the fact that I thought finding related jobs would be easy. With the past current odd jobs, I could earn about two thousand Singapore dollars a month. Now, the agent had went on with his life because I rejected him on the day. There was a massive rain that night, somehow me feeling nothing when he said his tears were pouring more than god of rain. The same old line, " Sweets, you deserve someone better". But I saw this quote and it warms me as much as I think it would warm others, "If you are single, don't be afraid. God is saving you for someone special". How sweet right?
I am tactful like my manager. But being tactful and mature at these kind of places brings you less lady's drink (we earn from commissions). They want sweet looking, innocent girls that are cute and all. I ADMIT to be doing the wrong things at the wrong time.
I am awfully cute and naive when it comes to love. But at work, I have stereotyped all men to be tikopehs. But yesterday I met these two guys who are perfect gentlemen. Very proper attitude of a friend-zoned man. They may look really "bad boy" but are surprisingly nice. I don't judge people, whether race or sex. I would talk to every table. In some cases, when you tell that they aren't interested in getting lady's drink so for polite's sake, I'd just sit for another 15 minutes or so before heading off.
Men always give excuses like, "maybe next time", "later" or "ignore you totally". Come on. Girls who work in places like these have already gotten used to rejections like after the first day of work? Be more straight forward rather than wasting our time with your "later". Don't even think about psycho-ing us with the "I'd rather give you cash and you'll get more than just a percentage of what you have sold..."
First, girls that are reading my blog, we got to be fair to the company for hiring us.
Second, there's no free lunch in the world. They are out to devour you, for all you know. We aren't that cheap nor stupid to be eaten up by hungry hyenas. He who uses this reason are out to hint that they want you either in bed or something. Which is why our manager is right - we are classier than ktv girls. We stay a distant. By making sure that work, is work.. Why would a guy give you $36 for nothing? Plus, our manager is not stupid. No lady's drink then move on. There are tables more to serve.
Third, would they even give you the money in the end? Hardly.
Fourth and the last, we can face ourselves and tell ourselves proudly that we build up a reputation for being a clean bar. Both women and men can feel safe when we are working there. No random pick up of girls to know unless the customers (both parties) are okay with it. Or else, patrons just sit at their respective table and eat or drink.
Anyway, talked on phone with Mr B two nights ago when he is in Malaysia. I moved on and so did he. Happy ending for both adults.
Adults do cry to their pillow at night sometimes. ADULTS MEANS BOTH GIRLS AND GUYS SO PLEASE DO NOT STARE AT ME IN PUBLIC.
And I know that people can never picture how I cry. If you want to see, watch "Justice Devil" (the movie is suppose to be out by April but has been postponed). By the way, in real life, I don't open my mouth like in the movie. In the movie, I had to copy youtube videos of some award winning show of how actors cry, from their eyes to their mouth to the angle they face the camera to the actions of their hands, how they tremble.... I think I had added on thousand and one plus views to that video I watched alone. Lol.
I don't cry. My nose just gets stuffy and my tears just drop. So if you really want to picture (a nice guy online requested it to be out) then think of me using eye drops while getting my nose piercing. I tend to feel nothing when I cry. Maybe a little heartache but that's all.
Got to write my other blog. Got to go.
Friday, April 26, 2013
When I think of all the moments, full of love and tenderness
Shivers running down my spine, feeling your caress
And I linger in the memory of a love that's so devine
You're everything that I desire, I wanna spend my time
In heaven with you, in heaven so true
From the very start and heart to heart, a love I never knew
In heaven with you, in heaven so true
How I wanna see us walking hand in hand
(You and me in heaven)
Every hour, every minute I pretend that you are near
With the love that you're givin', it's almost like you're here
From a distance I can touch you, the wonder that we share
I want you here to stay with me, yes I'll be there
[Chorus] x 4
Thursday, April 25, 2013
I AM CORRECT ALL THE WAY. I AM RIGHT. I ACTUALLY DON'T HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER AT ALL. IT IS ALL DUE TO OBSESSIONS ONLY.
When I heard that, I jumped in joy.
Because no matter how many medications they gave me, it doesn't work. I still feel no difference. I am really glad that after suspecting myself of my disorder for so long, I am right!!!
Told you guys that I love to read. But reading is reading. Everything is in words and how could one diagnose themselves? The law of relativity.
Says for example: I want a cup of tea and I'm in a rush. And the auntie gave it to me 5 minutes later. To me, it felt like 1hr.
Compared to when on a relaxed day, my coffee takes 5 minutes to come.
Some people, when they read brochures and stuffs like these, the would go like， god, all the signs and symptoms shows on me.
Isn't it obvious here that everyone by the of 12 would have been through all kind of emotions before?
Instead of writing brochures in a negative manner, why not ask them questions that are more relevant? Kids, adults - all alike, would normally walk into the doctor's room and talk. Before that, they must've already known about psychological issues right?
And I made that mistake. Instead of letting a proper, private doctor re-access me again, I told him I was diagnosed with bipolar. And he skipped the assessment.
I suspected that long enough. Finally, I'm off the drugs and am a NORMAL GIRL AGAIN!
Doctors can give you medications to help with problems like anger, happiness, sadness - all sort of moods. So if you have problems controlling temper, please do ask for help
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Love Or Not
To be a slut or not.
One who is attached but interested in me. Should I give it a try, especially when he lied to me on the first date. Should I continue with courtship or should I take my tears and leave. It's the same guy, the one that I said we broke up.
Friends with benefits? Maybe.... But a third party?
I believed that honesty is the best policy. But I love him too much to let him go away now. I mended my broken heart when he still calls me "girlfriend".
What should I do? Accept a two timer guy with kids? How could I? Especially when I love kids and wanted to IVF (something like test tube babies) myself and be a mother when I still have the money.
I am out of job since my workplace found out that I worked in pub (by the way, it's T-ara Cosplay Bar & Cafe - SO COME AND SUPPORT ME) and the management said that I am ruining their reputation! Those that goes to pubs and bars know that it's impossible to do ANY thing hanky panky there. We would throw you out immediately. That's how strict we are. And I stand by that rule.
No one can get me for free. Not even a thousand Lady's Drinks. We have quota so support me as much as you can! Come down to the bar and show my hosses that they had the wrong perception if night life. Our work time is only 8pm - 1am. How sleezy can it get,right? Sure, some girls went ahead to party after work but I PREFER MY HOUSE TO ANYTHING ELSE.
I am sad after losing my job but well, since the case, I decided that night life ain't for me. I'm looking for a part time job.
Any doctors reading me can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Super duper fast learner (as I am told) and the holder of "Miss Courteous" and "Service A Star" as my reward.
I am a diligent student and would go the whole mile to serve others right. Only satisfaction from my employers or clients make my day.
So tell me when can I start work...
Tee hee, he sang this to me:
Coldplay: The Scientist
A smartical quote says that a men would choose the last mistress that they had because if they were to love the first love, they will never fall in love with you.... But for him, it's a total different show.
It hurts me. Especially when I have to smile and cry at the same time. I smiled because I hate people to worry or know, unless they read my blog. I thrash every single thing here. All I did was to smile, comment that he is brave and honest with me. I don't care if I am the third party. But I know that there's more that meets the heart. I have chemistry with him. But fate played a cruel test to us.
I don't blame anyone but myself as I have eyes to see and judge for myself...
What should one do when one can't let go of love? I can't. If one person can do it, so I can.
I am determined in that sense.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Crying Loudly, I'm Crying Out Loud
Dated 1st April
It's suppose to be a jolly day - April's Fool.
But my day ended in tears. I went to panic attack and was desperate. Desperate for someone to hear me out! WHY NO ONE LISTENS?!?!?! WHY ARE THEY IN DENIAL?!?!?!? ARE MY FOLKS' SO AFRAID OF THIS TECHNOLOGY THAT THEY HAVE TO GIVE THEMSELVES EXCUSES TO SHUN FROM THESE?!?!?!
I am so close to going crazy. I grabbed all the medications there is in this house and consumed it. That fucker just said to wash her stomach inside out. FINE! Then I tortured myself using a penknife. I slit my wrist and threatened to self-harm. They think that I'm joking. If it wasn't for responsibility of my life, I WOULD HAVE JUMPED MORE THAN ONCE ALREADY! I CANNOT STAND A PLACE WHEREBY NOBODY LISTENS TO ME. AM I LIKE FUCKING DUMB OR WHAT?!?!?!
Can someone do a proper diagnosis on me? By the way, I am off being a bipolar, as said by my Psychaitrist. I'M WELL AGAIN!
Working And Working
My working hours now are like from 8pm till 1am, nearly everyday at T-ara Cosplay Bar & Cafe. It's located at 63 Boat Quay Road, the side facing the river. Come find me and get me Lady's Drink if you can.
I stopped my day job and am looking for a new one. It's going to be tough, especially when I have to land myself in one by August when school starts.
Money, money and cash flow problems. Need more Lady's Drink to cover up my lost expenses over these few months.
I AM CASH HARD AND I DON'T WANT TO DIG INTO MY SAVINGS!!!!!!!!!!
Fuck my life permanently.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
The love ended briefly in tears. I was right. Again.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
It's time to ditch my sweet tenderness felt in the past and move on in life. I am finally seeing someone new. Well, in this sense, it sounds so weird because I always reminisce the past but I have already let go of the people involved in the sugary-sweet moments with me.
It's kind of a special feeling when someone compliments you. In a very delightful way. Sweet talker? Too much in love to notice a potential liar? Maybe... But now, I am feeling the light, floaty bubbly love.
Very, very sweet talker - him. Somehow I just feel so comfy with him. I doubt that he'll never lie to me. I mean, what's there of me that benefits him, if he were to lie. So, as I was saying, all those exchanges of strangers messages in Facebook have to come to an end. It sounds like (this particular one or two guys) a stalker on the move. I hadn't been replying because I don't want to make any sort of relationships with people with unrealistic dreams of knowing "celebrities" as their friends only. And they dare accuse people of being rude when they don't reply!
Back to my beau. All I did the whole day since Sunday, was to fantasize about him and me being an item and to smile foolishly at how super nice and attentive he is. And he is a great guy who is willing to see a lost girl all the way to her destination and was daring enough to sit with her parents throughout the dinner. I dared not express this in public as I'm afraid of him reading my blog, but here goes nothing.
YES! I'M THAT ATTRACTED TO HIM SINCE I FIRST SAW HIM, ASKING FOR DIRECTIONS TO THE OCEAN RESTAURANT IN RESORTS WORLD. AND I AM THAT INSANELY DRUNK THAT I DECIDED THAT I'M NOT GOING TO LET ANOTHER GREAT LOOKING AND HAVE AMAZING PERSONALITY AND TALENTED GUY OUT OF MY GRASP! I'VE LET TOO MANY POTENTIAL NICE GUYS OFF AND REGRETTED MY ENTIRE LIFE, even though I have no problem letting go, BUT STILL! I HAVE TURNED INTO A HUNGRY CANNIBAL AND STARTS TO POUND ON ALL MALE SPECIES. Okay la, not so bad la. At least I have my own standards to abide.
Just because I'm bursting with joy everyday, that's why I needed an outlet to scream my thoughts into before I go crazy thinking about him and die of overjoy!!!
But baby, where they knock you down and out
Is where you're oughta stay