Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating
This Is Me
Me. Magical. Min. Maniac. Monster. Monetary.
"Never let anything known for anyone to stab you in."
FORGIVE BUT NEVER FORGET!
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Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Feeling Kinda Bad Today, So Just Hear Me Rant
Have you ever loved someone so much, you'll give an arm for?
My mom was up and I heard the door opened, so I went out to greet, thinking it was my sister that I am going to meet.
The lady of the house.
The strict structure that formed this place called home.
She was the support.
She was the pillar.
And I was the child who smashed the whole place down.
Yes, I am crazy.
I am the one.
The one who got the fucking guts to pull off the fundamentals off the place.
She just got back, clad in a simple top and shorts.
She looked worried.
And all I did was talk back.
Seconds later, someone vomited outside my window.
Yea, my room window opens up to a corridor.
Yea, I sleep on the first floor of this muthafucking HDB which claims to be the last.
Since the day I moved out, three years had passed.
No one in the family EVER needs me anymore.
I was sad the moment I walked into the house.
Everything moved on.
I was the only one living in the muthafucking past.
I wanted to carry my stuff and go out again.
My dad went down on his fucking pride and asked me to stay;
And I did.
I hated them even though I was caught trapped in this place called home!
Never a place I had
Coming home in the midst of the midnight light
Pissed ass drunk as I am mostly out working
Falling all over the place
Shuffling for keys loudly while clipping a cigarette tightly with my lips
Falling all over the place as I entered the door
My dad made homemade stew every night for us - three sisters
When I reach home every night at like a fucking 2 am in the morning,
I would stand right in front of the stew maker,
Drinking every single ounce of the soup that was in it,
Chewing every single meat that was added as a base - whether or not it still contains flavor
Many a times, when drinking,
I feel like emptying my digestive system by hurling things out.
But I swallowed,
Partially due to the fact that it's a stew made from love.
Who am I kidding?
Partially? The fucking reason being PARTIAL?!
Admittedly, YES, it's all the reason I had.
Partying wasn't my style.
But to piss their muthafucking ass off, I did it everyday,
Making sure that I only got home with the stench of alcohol so thick that I almost faint upon sniffing it.
This is me.
I forbids anyone I care to read the blog.
Because other than my weakness and me, a queen, being susceptible to emotional pain,
I see nothing more.
Me, I am more than human to feel pain..
I am strong.
I am the world.
But when people used my family against me,
I fell on my knees and beg.
In a fight,
I showed no sign of weakness.
Try coming near me - for an instance.
Prepare yourself for a downfall.
But why the feel of pain whenever people threatens me with my family?
The hurt that they can bring.
The pain that I'll bring to them when I predict when I'll die.
The sorrow that they will feel when they lose this daughter that they had never communicate for 3 years.
I slash my wrist to neutralize the pain.
I self inflict pain when I know I am feeling challenged.
I brace myself for fights that would never occur.
I laughed when I am about to cry.
I smiled when I am in pain.
I giggled when I feel empty.
My facial expression and it's ability to lie
No one can tell.
No, not even me.
I am scared stiff
When I see myself smile in the pictures people took.
You often see me walking around like nothing's bothering me.
What's in my mind?
As my mother's face appeared through the door,
I was stunned.
But all she did was reprimand.
And I nodded my head like the ornament that you get from 7-11.
It just goes on nodding and nodding.
Nothing went through my brains.
I heard no words.
It's usual - no surprise.
And I am blogging with half my brain in paradise.
Drank a little too much,
Though still very sober
But my right brain got the better of me - emotional.
I started to use my left hand more.
People challenged me in Mathematics in the bar.
With both hands down,
I won with ease.
But is that all to life?
I am more than proud to tell people that I am a Mathematics Whiz.
That is all to life that I had.
And it's really just certification and awards or medals to show my worth.
Other than that,
I am just an empty shell.
Don't talk to me about love.
Don't talk to me about me being attractive.
99% of the people in the bar ended up falling for me due to my sweet tongue and the honest love that I portrayed, the moment you listened to me brag.
But what's my life about?
People find enlightenment in things that they do.
All I did before was to end up in tons of mess and then, irresponsibly walk away from it all,
Leaving all mess for the ones around me clear it up.
I bury myself in books and cartoons to hide from reality.
I love cartoons.
Then my dad got both Disney channel and Cartoon Network cut off.
Then I began to sleep long hours.
You'll never find me awake unless I am at work.
I got 200% of my heart and soul at work but none when it comes to life.
What have you got to say now?
Fucking hell, you're right!
I am the sort who used to throw 200,000 into your face and ask you to get a life.
Do some business and make me proud.
Then I come face to face with another liar.
I walked away, wasting all the earnings I had since I was 15.
Put me to the shrink,
All I did was lie through my eyes and body language.
Then either the shrink or the psychologist would go like,
"Hey, you are worrying too much! She is fine!", to my parents.
Then I just gave a last triumph smile and walked out of the door,
Knowing that my parents or the doctors failed to get into my mind.
My mind is screwed up.
I convinced myself there is a situation when there's none,
Just to motivate myself to be heartless and fearless.
Then I would start fantasizing about things which were never there.
And I laughed myself to sleep every night,
Thinking that if the world were to run my way,
There would be no such things as tears.
I really laughed out loud every night because my "world" have only funny jokes and things or situations that you'll never see.
Nothing called "embarrassment".
Nothing called "sadness".
No such things as "tears".
That is my fantasized world.
And fantasizing is not the correct thing to do.
I am more than aware that it is a medical condition that needs to be stopped with medication for an overactive imagaination.
Look at the amount of pills I popped per night.
They are large and oval.
And bitter too.
But they are of no help.
My favorite uncle said, "Go get help. Only you can have the determination to help yourself"
And I did.
Opened up to shrinks to find myself in a deeper mess than I self-diagnosed that I did.
Tell me there is more to life.
Tell me more things to numb myself with.
I've tried on everything but suicide.
Must be the vodka today.
I must get my fucking brain to turn to sleep instead.
Fuckers out there, I love you.
But baby, where they knock you down and out
Is where you're oughta stay